But you? You don’t know do you? You think you know when you’re aboard the Stress Train. You think you know the symptoms, the causes, the smells and the nausea of it. But if you haven’t been aboard during the playoffs then you really have no idea if that sensation is something Penicillin could take care of, or if it’s a sign that you feel the train moving under your feet.

So, I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna help us all. We’re going to do a little Q and A. A Stress Train Eligibility Quiz. Here are ten questions. If you answer “yes” to 8 or more, you’re aboard. Less than 8 and you’ve got a ways to go. And don’t get me wrong here…don’t be ashamed if you’re NOT on the Stress Train. If you’re not, that just means you’re more confident, secure and well-grounded than the rest of us.

Here we go bitches.

1. Do you feel that our goaltending is going to make you climb a tower with an assault rifle sometime during the month of April?

2. Have the last four games made you realize that the Red Wings aren’t tough enough to withstand a playoff series? In other words, do you believe the “grit factor” has reared it’s disgusting head again?

3. Are you concerned that team defense will not improve, that this shroud of boredom and malaise will be too thick to recover from come playoff time?

4. When it’s dark and you’re sitting on the couch by yourself with a bottle of Mad Dog and some sunflower seeds, do you let yourself consider just for a second that the players may be tuning out our Uncle Mike?

5. Did you ask yourself this question last night: Will we ever beat Marty Turco again? Actually, that’s too drastic. Did you ask yourself if maybe Marty’s not our Huckleberry Bitch anymore?

6. Do you believe that Todd McClellan really meant THAT much to this team?

7. When you were making breakfast this morning, did you put butter on your forehead because you were so worried that our 72 million dollar man has a back problem that’s worse than we’re being told?

8. Did you wake your children up this morning at 0300 and demand that they, “Name a leader. Name me a frigging leader in that room who can put a stop to this. Tell me one player who has the frigging SACK to get this team to play up to their capability.” And when your children began to sob did you hug them and say, “Disney world will burn down if the Wings don’t win tomorrow.”

9. Have you started worrying that if the Wings don’t win the Stanley Cup this year then convincing Franzen or Hossa or Oompa to accept a hometown discount will be nearly impossible?

And finally…

10. Did you begin your day unwilling to read anything but the comments from last night’s Live Blog because you realize no one else anywhere understands the kind of pain you feel when there’s even the slimmest chance that we’re viewing a sick reality show called Wasting The Dynasty?

So. How’d you do? Well, yes. A grain of salt is required. I understand that I may be the only one among us who actually applied butter to my forehead. A better question to ask yourself for number 7 is simply, “are you worried about Zetterberg’s back?”

The Hasek is open my friends. It’s stocked. Re-upholstered and the stains have been, mostly, cleaned up. The walls are adorned with images of Red Wings of yesteryear and Darren Garcia. It’s a home to many of us already, and it will be again for the rest of you. The only question is when. When will you be ready to board the Stress Train and make your way to the back, way back, to the last car, the one almost glowing with anxiety.

Well? Is it that time yet?