Usually I spend all Draft Day sitting on a small stool, my knees up to my eyes, rocking back and forth, hanging on every word because nothing beats the anticipation of this day. Nothing.
Actually, I've never watched a single moment of the NHL Draft and I have zero intention of doing so today, or ever.
Because it's never meant a thing to me. Not a single stinky thing. Oh, I'm jaded. I'm cynical. I have ADD. My snowmobile suit is wet but the snow isn't so how'd that happen and why didn't you just go home Billy?
It's because my team has never swallowed its own soul and tanked two consecutive seasons for number 1 picks. It's because discussion about who to pick with "the 2" or the 3 or the 5 or whatever has never taken place in Detroit, not since Steve Yzerman was like 17. In Denver? It's annual, actually daily, discourse amongst the 5 people left there who actually give a shit about their hockey organization. Oh, you hired Joe Sakic and Patrick Roy to right the ship? Awesome. We look forward to seeing them in the Finals in year 20NEVER. All year long they talk about it...the number 1 pick, the lottery, the youth movement. All year. Every year. Just like the Pens used to until Gary.ass promised them their fancy "captain".
Us? Never. It's never discussed because the Wings haven't sucked their way into that discussion. We've got the 18 and it's a yawn. Trade it. Trade it for...negotiating rights, for a Wockenfuss rookie card, a Schwinn Scrambler, or a Dio album. Trade it. Who cares.
Draft Day stress is for losers. Draft Day stress is for Denver. Our stress is in May and June. Always has been. Always will.
I'm not saying forfeit the 18th or the whatever, the 50th, the 78th, the ginger snaps or the booty. Draft 'em all, sugarfoot. Do your diligence. We trust you. All of you. Kenny and little Ryan, all the Euro-savants and Rain Men. We know for a fact you've prepared for this so that we don't have to. Your sacrifices are appreciated.
Whoever we draft we won't see for five years anyway. It's The Wing Way and it's proven. It's why the Wings are who they are. More home-grown talent on our roster than any team in hockey, and more sustained success by a long mile. That system has made it possible for us to sit back and drink a warm one while we watch the wives mow and put shit together because Ikea is like a FUCHING MAGNET that just keeps pulling them in.
So, you know. Enjoy your Draft Day...by doing other things. Set up an alert on your cool phone and read up on the picks tonite because George and the other smart kids will give you plenty of stuff to digest. But leave the fretting to the losers in Denver. Their saviour is just moments away. Seriously. Just like every year.
Dear Kenny: Thank you. Thank you for making sure we never have to look forward to this day like it's Christmas. It's not. It's...Arbor Day. It's a meaningless day for everybody but the tree huggers.
With the 18th pick, the Detroit Red Wings select...a brat, a PBR and a good deal for an underachieving Fin.
Enjoy your draft day by ignoring it completely because that's what winners do.
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