In a stunning decision from the NHL front office in Pittsburgh, midget commissioner Gary.Ass Bettman announced just moments ago that Sidney Crosby has been named Cosmopolitan Magazine's Man of the Decade and that the NHL playoffs will start this evening. First round matchups will be announced thirty minutes before game times. If any visiting team can't make it to their scheduled game, that round will be postponed until the new glossy Crosby posters have been completely reviewed in Bettman's private office, with soft lighting.

None of that is true, except the part about Bettman being a midget, the Cosmo award for Rosby, the poster thing and the soft lighting. So, the playoffs aren't really starting tonite.

But if they were?