What defines a rival? And which teams qualify for consideration? I’ve broken it down into categories, assigned numeric value, Excel’d those bitches and come up with the definitive answers you’ve been asking for. Here’s how we’re going to do it. Because none of you naysayers and ivory tower shouters have come up with it, I’ve designed a formula. We’re not using yours, so don’t propose one.

And we’re not going to do this all in one shot. I’m too lazy for that and we have to make the summer go by quicker and this is my solution. One team per week, vying for the illustrious Number 1 Rival spot.

And we have to be scientific about this. It’s how we roll here. No matter the temptation we mustn’t go off the cuff. It’s too important.

Five categories, each with a 1-5 numeric point value.

Quality of team (QT). Depth of hatred the fans of that team have for us and the Wings (HF, for “hate factor). Past playoff adventures (PPA). Quality of bloggers who may choose to say bad things about us (BQ). Opportunity that team has to make us sad during the regular season (RSSF, for “regular season sadness factor”).

Colorado. St. Louis. Chicago. Pittsburgh. Nashville. Columbus. Toronto. Dallas. Anaheim. Carolina.

Ten teams. All vying for the vaunted number 1 spot. Each with good reason to consider themselves our top rival. It’s a glorious competition and by the second week of the season, we’ll have an answer. I know how badly you want to skip to the end right now. You want to start hating. I can feel it. But I won’t let you.

The Colorado Avalanche. The one and only time I’ve typed that phrase in that form at A2Y. My stomach curdles. There is nothing I like about that team and it would be natural to consider them our Number 1 Rival. But we have to let the numbers determine where they fall out. We have to stay true to The Formula.

QT: A mediocre team at best. Suspect goaltending. A defense that was consistently shredded by every line we threw at them in the second round. A core of forwards that did little, although severely hampered by injury. A bad team that will most likely miss the playoffs, causing little to no hurt feelings in Denver because nobody cares. Our science affords them a QT of 2.

HF: When we consider the hate factor we must look at it as a reciprocal equation. Do the fans hate us, and is that a shared hate? This will be important when we invite the BBB’s into our little arena of fun. The Dive? It’s a level of dislike that is shared. It is beautiful in its simplicity. The teams despise one another. The management refuses to deal, discuss trades or even consider a relationship that would allow it. Of course, it’s not like there’s anyone in that organization we’d consider tainting our lineup with, so that doesn’t really matter. Peter Forsberg hates the Wings so much that he’s spurned three separate offers to join The Dynasty. Bloggers and fans can barely type or speak when the subject of the other team comes up. Our science affords them a HF of 5.

PPA: Clearly, this will be the criteria that separates the men from the Crosbys. Only so many of the teams on our list can point to a playoff series that left each side with the kind of sour-milk taste to create a rivalry. Fortunately for the Dive fan, there have been many that fit that description between Detroit and Denver. For us, ‘96. For them, ‘02. We remember Lemieux’s hit on Draper. They fondly recall Patty’s failed SOL and the beatdown that followed at the Joe. Our science affords the Dive a 5. Round two last season was such a mismatch that it almost affected the perfect score, but we let it slide.

BQ: If nothing else, the Dive have their fair share of blogs. You’ve got the hyphenated guy. The accented guy. Gobbles. Thhom…oh, that’s right. He quit. Shane and Joe. Even Adrienne. Different in their own ways, but consistent in their downright hatred of The Dynasty. It’s a quality bunch, in that respect. I’d give them a strong 4, but they tend to whine a bit when the unraveling begins.

Case in point, from Gobbles.

Yes the rivalry is over, but that doesn’t mean Detroit fans have calmed down and become less of assholes. No in fact the end of the rivalry has only emboldened them to be bigger assholes. When we Avs fans turned our cheek and quietly didn’t respond they started sulking, like the pathetic leeches they are.

Golly. Our science says a BQ rating of 3.

RSSF: We’d like to be able to look back at the regular season with a tinge of bitterness, maybe a split. Just to keep the rivalry alive. But..no. Aside from little Ian’s blatant attack on the league’s greatest defenseman, if not player, there’s just nothing there. The domination was just that complete and the playoffs proved it was no fluke. Our science shows us an RSSF of 1.

Misc: And here is where the Dive make a run at the upper half of the Rivalry Depth Chart. Darren Garcia. Biting the heads off of domesticated birds. Humiliating defeats in the Denver courtrooms. So much fodder. So little space. Transexual drug abusers in Dive jerseys. Bitter Pepsi Center rentacops trying to stifle innocent Wing fan traditions. Wine cooler’d Dive fans taking a defenseless live duck’s head in its mouth and ripping it off its body out of a deep-seated frustration with a bland, garbage hockey team. Our science says that in the area of misclelanivity: 5.

An overall rivalry factor of 21. So much potential to be higher. But, some teams just don’t have the staying power. It’s almost unfathomable, but with a score like that the Dive are destined for middle of the pack. A mediocre rival and a mediocre team. Too bad.

Next week? The Triple Bravos. The BBBs.

Updated!!: 1232 EST. For the love of sweet baby…Carolina was included for a specific reason and you’ll just have to take my word on that. It came down to them and one of the provincial squads in Calgary or Edmonton. When we get to the Canes, you’ll see why.

Updated!!: 1217 EST. Good god. A quality suggestion. rdwingscup19 wondered why we didn’t include a few of the many tales of transplants and less than savory Denver residents who have made this “rivalry” what it is. I’m shamed, and I’ve included a “Misc” category.