Kukla's Korner

Phoenix Coyotes: The Movie

All this talk about the Phoenix Coyotes and legal documents and lawyer arguments is making my head hurt (though I’m not free of blame as I’ve written about it quite a bit both on posts and comments). I think we all need to take a step back and look at it from a slightly lighter perspective.

Presenting Phoenix Legal, a new dramatic interpretation of the real-life courtroom battle unfolding in front of us starring Patrick Stewart, Bruce Campbell, William Shatner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the dudes from Office Space. It’s kind of like when E! had actors re-enact the Michael Jackson trial in semi-real time, except with movie clips.

First off, let’s hear from Gary Bettman. In this performance, English actor (and greatest starship captain ever) Patrick Stewart plays Bettman explaining why he can’t stand Jim Balsillie or his constant attempts at buying a team.

Now it’s Jim Balsillie’s turn to respond. Balsillie’s been at this whole buy-an-NHL-team thing for a while now, and you know what? He’s just a little sick of the legal-ese being thrown at him. Balsillie’s going to shut up the NHL—in any way possible. Here, Balsillie is played by Bruce Campbell and the NHL legal team is played by Bruce Campbell’s hand.

Where’s Wayne Gretzky during all of this? The Great One may be the public face of the franchise, but it sounds like potential buyer Jerry Reinsdorf doesn’t want any of #99 around. Here, Gretzky is played by Stephen “Milton” Root and Reinsdork if played by Gary “Lumbergh” Cole.

Poor Shane Doan. The dude’s nothing but a good trooper and he hasn’t made the playoffs in a billion years, the team around him is managed poorly, and his new contract extension is keeping him with a team-in-limbo for pretty much eternity. This scene is a dramatic representation of a phone call between Doan (played by William Shatner) and his agent (played by Ricardo Montalbon) once Doan found out about the bankruptcy. Little did he know, Doan’s agent had it out for him and was plotting revenge this whole time for a lifelong vendetta. Here we have Doan’s agent revealing his secret motivation behind the contract extension that will keep Doan with the Coyotes franchise, wherever it winds up.

Finally, here’s Judge Redfield Baum as portrayed by multi-faceted actor and terrible governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. In this scene, Bettman and Balsillie are played by a bunch of screaming children. Fitting, huh?

Filed in: | Mike Chen's Hockey Blog | Permalink
  Tags: gary+bettman, jim+balsillie, phoenix+coyotes, wayne+gretzky


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