Kukla's Korner

The Evoluion of BlackArmor (TM)

Big news in Sharkland yesterday. No, not the crazy 7-6 shootout win against Philadelphia that featured countless turnovers and no defense from both teams. Nope, the even bigger news was the announcement of the Sharks 3rd jersey. And guess what, folks? They’ve given it a corporate sponsorship and a ridiculous name: BlackArmor (TM).

(I’m guessing it’s black. And that’s what the leaks out of Icethetics say too.)

So, what is BlackArmor (TM)? Is it a revolution in materials, kinda like how the whole RBK jersey was supposed to make sweat fly off a jersey rather than soak in? Maybe it’s voice commanded, like the way the Batmobile armor goes up when Batman says, “Shields up,” or when the Bionic Six say, “Bionics ON! (on on on on).

Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like BlackArmor is any of these things. It’s just a lame cross-promotion with a hard drive company. How Silicon Valley is that?

On the good side, I’ve come across some leaked documents that have the previous 3rd jersey ideas. Unfortunately, they didn’t have big money involved with them, so you’ll never actually get to see these anywhere but here.

The first idea was to incorporate the armor theme—literally. KnightArmor (TM) was a literal translation of the idea into knight armor.


Pros: Blocking shots doesn’t hurt, checking an opponent hurts him, like, real bad.
Cons: Can’t move.

The Sharks like to cash in on popular trends, so they decided to keep with the knight them, but go a little darker. Presenting DarkKnightArmor (TM).


Pros: Blocking shots doesn’t hurt, cape can block shots, blades on forearms can cut a goalie’s head off when crashing the net.
Cons: Can’t turn head, skates get caught on cape.

Hmm…if you can’t skate, guess you can’t really play hockey, huh? Some of the Sharks development crew are sci-fi geeks and they decided to try a different twist by introducing electro-mechanical functionality. I don’t want to know what the R&D price tag was on this, but I’m guessing it’s at least Alexei Semenov’s value. Here’s BorgArmor (TM).


Pros: Eye piece feeds back live game data and web content (including the ability to check email and view online pornography inbetween shifts), blade mechanism on hand can skewer puck, block shots, or cut defensemen’s sticks in half.
Cons: Shooting with one hand is difficult, until Todd McLellan can install parental controls, eye piece’s web viewing is a distraction

Finally, here’s an idea that combines the best of both worlds—freedom of movement with body armor and bad-ass helmet technology. And it comes in two versions, so the Sharks can sell even more merchandise. Presenting JangoArmor (TM) and BobaArmor (TM):


Pros: Chest armor to block shots, multi-gadget functionality built into forearms, helmet feeds back real-time data (with appropriate parental controls)
Cons: None! This is awesome!

Unfortunately, the Sharks bowed to the pressure of their corporate sponsors and allowed the third-jersey design to be “inspired” by Seagate’s new BlackArmor hard drive. Here’s what you’ll be seeing come November 21:


Pros: When hard drive runs, spinning Sharks logo hypnotizes the opposition.
Cons: Stupid corporate sponsorship.

If only the Sharks went with corporate sponsor Applied Materials, maybe I could have given some input since they’re a subcontract client in my writing business. If only.

Filed in: San Jose Sharks, | Mike Chen's Hockey Blog | Permalink


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