Canucks and Beyond

Goodbye, Windy City

08/09/2011 at 6:38pm EDT

Here in Vancouver Canucks land, we have a stalker and it’s starting to get out of hand.

It didn’t used to be so bad. After all, she was smoking hot for a couple years, and the Canucks—truth be told—had a hard time keeping up with her game.

But then a few months ago the Canucks finally had enough and roundly dumped her.

But ever since, the girl—let’s call her Chi-Chi—just cannot seem to get over it.

Every time the Canucks open a newspaper or blog these days, there’s one story after another with Chi-Chi and her various PR wags talking trash. Even Chi-Chi’s newest boyfriend, on his first trip to a media podium, started in with the “OMG I’m so gonna kick Vancouver’s butt!”

Seriously? Dude. Y’all need to get over this. We tolerated your bitchy outbursts in the past, but this is getting a little sad; even a bit desperate.

And it makes us sad.

Look, we respect you. We do. But the relationship? We got over it. We’ve moved on. We struggled a bit with the breakup, we’ll admit, but we did finally get it done.

And at this point, the truth is that we’re just not that into you.

You see, we met this other chick from Boston back in June. Let’s call her Brin.

Of course, as everyone knows, Brin stomped our hearts into the ground. But we’re not going to give up making a play for her, so we’re probably gonna be waaaaayy more obsessed with Brin for the next year.

But we do wish you well, Chi-Chi. We know you’ve had a hard time lately, and it’s always easiest to hate the ex. But we also trust you’ll do well. There’s a few Sharp guys committed to hanging out at your house for this year and beyond, plus we always had a secret fetish for your Toews (as do many others).

Not to mention that hot new boyfriend you’ve added to your stable of admirers. I mean, knowing that Dan Carcillo plans on singlehandedly protecting your goodies... well, that virtually guarantees you’ll be drinking out of a big silver chalice again next summer, right?

But if not, don’t despair, Chi-Chi. Just remember the good times, and move on. This bickering obsessiveness really doesn’t become you. You were hot once; I’m sure you’ll be hot again.

Meanwhile, Brin is the only girl for us.


Update: The comments on this post and links to it around the ‘net reflect some negative reactions that I never intended in the slightest. This was meant to be a light-hearted little jab at a few members of the Chicago media and a couple players who have continued to trash-talk the Canucks, long after the season ended. It was never meant to be a “my team is better than your team” sort of thing. Ironically, I genuinely like the Blackhawks.

But I do find it a bit disheartening that so many of their fans took what I intended to be a humourous look at these post-season jabs (against my favourite team) and got all defensive about me pointing them out. I guess I should never assume that strangers (a) get my humour, or (b) follow the links in an article so they could fully understand what I’m referring to.

Anyway. Blackhawks fans: I wave the white the flag. Relax. No harm was intended.

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