Canucks and Beyond

The Hockey Gods Are Ruthless

03/26/2008 at 6:04pm EDT

Vancouver vs Calgary: a.k.a. How to Lose—With Style

First: Build a 2-Goal Lead
Make it heady and fun (2 goals in 12 seconds!). Make the Flames fans go mute. Make the Sportsnet West announcers sound so depressed you want to send them a gift basket later. Good times!

Second: Flirt with Disaster
Get outshot 672 to 3 in the second period. Let in one goal. It’s now 2-1—you’re just keeping it interesting!

Third: Believe in your inherent, God-given ability to Completely Fu&$ing Implode
Let it all hang out! This is the right time of year for heart failure—make it work for you. Make it work for the fans. Don’t let this be too easy: You are CANUCKS! This is how it’s gotta be!

Tonight

:

Vancouver vs Colorado —a.k.a. Biggest Game of the Year ™

First, Second, Third? Fill in the blanks—I’m open to new ideas. Perhaps they can play for 60 minutes? Just for fun.

From my own bit in the New York Times yesterday, the Q&A that the Hockey Gods want me to eat:

NYT: Will your team make the playoffs?

Alanah: Yes, because (a) they control their own destiny, with all their last games against other Northwest teams, and (b) to miss the playoffs would end my suffering quickly, and the hockey gods are never merciful to Canucks fans. (I buy my heart medication in bulk.)

NYT: What team is it vitally important to have miss the playoffs?

Alanah: Colorado. Embracing the failures of the Avalanche is simply good karmic policy! But more importantly (and less obnoxiously), leaving the Avs out may give Vancouver the most room to screw up over these final games. And knowing the Canucks, they’ll need it.

Life is hell. Hockey is worse. I think there’s a lot to be said for Hockey Atheism.

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