Canucks and Beyond

Not Bitter, Just Stressed Out

01/20/2009 at 5:46pm EST

Shortly after Roberto Luongo was first injured—beginning a new era I shall henceforth refer to as Our Tragic Miserable Journey Into Darkness—I erected an on-the-fly guessing game for readers to speculate on his return date.

Looking back at that contest, I see the winner was Max Cekota of Victoria. I hadn’t decided what prize I would offer initially, but I’m thinking I might send a book. Last I looked, I think Gallowglass Books had an old Mark Messier biography hanging around—and I’m feeling bitter enough to send it, so watch your mailbox, Max. :)

Why bitter?

No reason at all. None. Nothing to worry about. Certainly not Clod freakin’ LeMoo.

Tonight, Vancouver will be reintroduced to the

talented and graceful

stylings of Clod. We’ve all missed him so much. Clod harkens us back to an era where Men were Men, Ladies were Ladies, and Hockey Players were… Insufferable Psychos? Something like that. The good ol’ days.

But now, onwards and upwards. History is afoot and it is my fervent hope that LeMoo is simply history. The San Jose Sharks may spank Canucks’ asses with wild abandon every time they meet up in the same building, but one thing I have faith in: LeMoo won’t be spanking anything. (Clod, please meet penalty box…)

Now, on a more serious (and less jackassy) note…

All of this might sound like I don’t respect Lemeiux for returning to the NHL, and that’s not true at all. Aside from the fact that I know it’s an impressive accomplishment to return after so many years away from the game, I find it particularly gratifying that he’s doing so at the age of 43. There’s not a lot of players who have a few years on my own old age, and every time one of them steps on the ice (guys like Shanahan, or even the Evil Chelios, god help me) my heart sings a bit.

I long ago decided I can’t really ever be “old” as long as there are professional NHL players out there who have a half-dozen years on me. I love the Grumpy Old Men. They’re my insurance policy for youth!

So I respect Lemieux for his conditioning and the determination that has returned him to the ice again, but as for what he brings to a game against my own favorite team, I have nothing but smartass comments, dumb jokes and secret hopes of his failure.

So I sincerely wish good luck to Claude Lemieux in resurrecting his career in the NHL. But to Clod LeMoo: May you fall flat on your ass tonight.

Go Canucks! (she yells, weakly, clinging to her bottle of tequila…)

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