C&B: How did you handle the weight this season?

Left Skate: Good, good. Sundin’s foot felt right and the whole body was very gradual about amping up the speed and energy. Nothing moved too fast much of the time and it gave me time to get my bearings.

C&B: You needed time?

LS: Christ, yes. I’d been laying about in a closet for about 7 months. You try hibernating for over half a year then shifting to 30mph without any warning.

Slow and steady wins the race, that’s what I always say. I was so glad to stick with Mats, not get donated to some psychotic speed demon like Mason Raymond.

C&B: You’re not a fan of Raymond?

LS: Well, I got nothing against the guy, but I talked to Left Sockster all the time this season (The Socksters are what Mason named his skates) and lefty was ready for the infirmary almost every f&#king night.

I’m telling you, there was NO skate in that locker room that wasn’t terrified of being accidentally left at that locker. We’re going to have union meetings about it this summer, lady.

C&B: Alright. So how do you think you performed this year, overall?

LS: Oh, I was a star, fersure. Nothing happened to the guy’s left ankle, did it? No, nothing. Secure and supported every step of the way. But I had a job to do, and I know my job. That Sundin character has a tendency to lean left and I’d say that more than $5 million in hockey-superstardom was cramping my leather most of the time.

C&B: $5 million? You really think most of Sundin’s value came down to his feet?

LS: Well, it’s a factor. Not speed, but he can be bastard in the crease. Once he gets in there, idiots like Ben Eager end up sprawled all over the place, and the next thing you know, I’m dealing with bleeding tootsies and screaming babies.

C&B: Yeah? Where do the screaming babies come into it?

LS: Oh, sorry. I was thinking about when we played the Avalanche. The Pepsi Center has this endless high-pitched, screechy quality…

C&B: Right. So what’s in your future? Another season with Mats and the Canucks?

LS: Oh, hell no. We’ve talked and decided to move to a team more at our speed. Where people worship us and don’t really expect much.

C&B: Oh, so you’re going back to Sweden?

LS: Nah. Back to Toronto.

Many thanks to Matt Sundin’s Left Skate for this interview.

More equipment and body part interviews to come in the near future. Next week, Roberto Luongo’s mask talks about how he deals with panic attacks during hair growth spurts.

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*hat-tip to the inspiring & far more entertaining work of John Scalzi :)