Canucks and Beyond

Fortune Telling the Canucks/Kings for Game #2

04/17/2010 at 6:58pm EDT

I suppose getting some pre-game post-season predictions from a chick who has spent most of the last 6 weeks cleaning up radioactive baby goop, and no time studying the state of the Canucks in recent months, is probably not too productive for the average reader. But for those readers, there’s always Jim Hughson, so if insight, intelligence and actual facts (yikes, it’s starting to sound like I have a bit of a crush) are your poison, be sure to listen to him and his brethren (though completely ignoring Mike Milbury, it should go without saying) talk turkey before the game starts.

But of course, I see no reason to let my own lack of “insight, intelligence, and actual facts” stop me from sharing, so here’s tonight’s game in a nutshell:

1st Period:

Daniel Sedin and his Wonder Twin head into the offensive zone, play chess for a while, then pop the puck back and forth like they’re looking to replicate a badminton game, then pow! Henry puts the puck in the net.

Darcy Hordichuk is suited up for some reason and gets a miraculous and unexplained 72 seconds of playing time halfway through the first frame. Cleaning crews spend the next 18 minutes cleaning up the blood.

2nd Period:

Kyle Wellwood manages to score two goals in quicks succession, eyes closed while spinning in circles and screaming “IN YOUR FACE, BITCHES” at the entire hockey blogosphere.

Roberto Luongo makes 7 saves in a row while simultaneously talking trash with the refs, spearing Jack Johnson in the face, and eating a plate of manicotti. (Also while screaming “IN YOUR FACE, BITCHES,” but at pretty much everyone.)

Anze Kopitar manages to score while Luongo is busy asking the refs for extra cheese, understandably distracted as he is, due to laying on his belly in the crease and screeching about foul play. Sh*t happens.

3rd Period:

Jarrett Stoll gets to the bench late, delayed as he was busy chatting up ice dancers in the hallway, looking for a post-game date. Unfortunately he couldn’t find any supermodels in their 40s to early 50s that might fill the bill.

Mikael Samuelsson finishes off the night with a nifty goal shot from behind the blue line. The whole thing looks suspiciously like he was just dumping the puck at the same moment Alex Burrows was punching Jonathan Quick in the face, but what the hell. Vancouver’s mayor descends on the ice to quickly offer him a key to the city.

Game Over.

Department stores throughout downtown Vancouver prepare to defend their storefronts with riot gear as happy Canucks fans decend on the streets. A good night for all and the Canucks lead the series 2-0.

But of course there’s always a chance the whole evening goes down an entirely different road. That is, Luongo gets lit up like a fu$#ing Christmas tree, while the rest of the team takes enough idiotic and pointless penalties to genuinely crush your will to live.

Alas. But that’s why there’s beer, people.

Go Canucks!


P.S. And in case you came out just to check on the latest adorable baby picture (and why wouldn’t you?!) here’s one of my recent favorites.


Cute, right? And yet somehow this sweet little creature is still perfectly capable of bringing a grown woman to the edge of her sanity at 4am, with screams like an effing banshee.

It’s like living with a tiny and highly caffeinated Marc Crawford.

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