Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

Why I Deserve 7 Million Dollars

What?  You take issue with that?  A certain Nigerian prince keeps emailing me. He says I’m worth it.  He says he’s going to put it right in my frigging account for me.  Not only that, but my talent seems to have transcended continents. I’m big in Britain too baby.

Congratulation you have won and You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £253,437.00 in cash credited to KTU/9023118308/03.please contact AGENT:SONIA HILTON

Email: agentsoniahilton@yahoo.es

So if the prince and Sonia Hilton see it, why doesn’t Kukla?  Why shouldn’t the Empire fork over 7 mil for A2Y?

Oh, I know what you’re thinking.  Where does he get off demanding that kind of cash when he hasn’t done squat in the playoffs?  All he did was whine about Legace, whine about Rexall, make up a few nicknames, turn a phrase or two.  Fun to read, but nothing of substance, really.

But I work hard, I’ll tell Paul.  When I practice blogging, I practice hard.  When you finally put me with other quality bloggers I produced.  Yes, my performance dipped during the postseason, but, but I had this Carpal Tunnel thing going on. I had to blog with one of those cool wrist, bowling brace things.  Don’t you see? 

Yes, he’ll say. We see.  We see that your contract is up over the summer and all of a sudden your productivity has increased.  A few more posts per day than usual.  A ramp-up in sarcasm.  But a true hockey blogger proves himself with consistent wit and content during the playoffs.  When his team is losing, he’s still there tip-tap-tapping away.  You have but one playoff under your belt.  Show us something.

Show you something?  Show you more than I have?  My god. During the last two regular seasons I’ve given you The Enigma, the MBCQOD, the A2Y Glossary, the Deep Diggers…all for you, all in support of The Empire.

We appreciate that, Kukla will say through the press. We do.  The fans like it, the readers enjoy it.  But until I see a spike…a big traffic spike…during the playoffs?  It’s wait and see.

I’ll go back to Saginaw, I’ll threaten.  They love me there.  Oh, not everyone.  But most.  Well, some still like me there. And I’ll get paid.  I’ll get my 7.  If not Saginaw, there’s always free agency you know. It’s right around the corner. 

The Kukla PR machine will ramp up.  Press releases will start showing up at Off Wing.  Quotes leaked to Mirtle and Benjamin.  “Saginaw?  That’s blogging obscurity. Practically Siberia. But, if that’s his choice…we support him. We appreciate what he’s done for The Empire.” 

Man, I want that 7. I want my 7 mil.  But, I have to wonder…if The Empire’s not going to give it to me, will anyone?  Oh, I could become a Ranger blogger. You know they’ll pay.  Or I could go the sensational route and make up a few rumors, label them e5’s, re-create myself as a burned out rocker with a made-up bio.  Easy money in that.

Or, Kukla will say, you can blog like you’ve never blogged before…but during the playoffs…and earn those big blogger bucks.

Oh, the pressure.  The strain of living under the label of a regular season hockey blogger.  Somehow, I’ve got to turn it up in April.  Somehow, if Hasek’s groin snaps like a wishbone, I have to persevere.  If Babcock refuses to speak, I have to muddle through.  If AlanaH slumps, I’ll have to carry the Empire…during the playoffs. 

And you all see the genius in The Empire’s strategy.  The evil bastard is holding that 7 mil in front of me like a big block of cheddar cheese.  “It’s yours in July,” Kukla says.  “But only if you show us you can blog in May like you do in December.”

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com