Kukla's Korner

The Malik Report

A theoretical conversation between a Red Wings fan and a Blackhawks fan

It's getting to be a running joke. Ahead of Sunday evening's game against Chicago (7:30 PM EDT, on NBCSN) and this week's games against Toronto (on Tuesday), Pittsburgh (on Thursday) and back-to-backs against Minnesota (next Saturday and Sunday), if a Red Wings fan and a Blackhawks fan were to have a conversation about the team's respective personnel issues, it'd be painful to listen to.

Blackhawks fan: "Hey, we're getting Hossa back for the game! Are you guys ready?"

Red Wings fan: "Uh, sure. Yeah, we can shut him down."

Blackhawks fan: "You guys'll have Datsyuk and Zetterberg ready for Hossa, right?"

Red Wings fan: "No."

Blackhawks fan: "What happened?"

Red Wings fan: "Datsyuk's shut down for three weeks. Left knee issue. Zetterberg might be back if the Wings make the playoffs."

Blackhawks fan: "Ha ha what do you mean 'if.'"

Red Wings fan: "Have you looked at the standings?"

Blackhawks fan: "Naw, I don't worry about that, we'll finish second or third in the West at worst."

Red Wings fan: "Well things are a little different in the East."

Blackhawks fan: "Yeah, it's weaker."

Red Wings fan: "Um..."

Blackhawks fan: "Anyway, we've got Toews and Kane on different lines right now. How're you gonna deal with that?"

Red Wings fan: "I guess put Legwand, Franzen and Nyquist against one..."

Blackhawks fan: "What is that, your third line?"

Red Wings fan: "First..."

Blackhawks fan: "Who's your shutdown line?"

Red Wings fan: "The kids."

Blackhawks fan: "Kids?"

Red Wings fan: "Sheahan, Tatar and Abdelkader."

Blackhawks fan: "Isn't that your fourth line?"

Red Wings fan: "Second, and Jurco was on it till a thug on Columbus broke his ribs. Out for a month."

Blackhawks fan: "What about Helm? Did his back heal?"

Red Wings fan: "Yeah, but now he's got a concussion. *#$%@& Jared Cowan again."

Blackhawks fan: "Who the hell's Jared Cowan?"

Red Wings fan: "Concussed Datsyuk. He missed almost a month."

Blackhawks fan: Well, Weiss is gonna be in tough against Bickell and Shaw then."

Red Wings fan: "He's still hurt. Don't know when he'll be back."

Blackhawks fan: "Still hurt? I thought he had hernia surgery?"

Red Wings fan: "He did."

Blackhawks fan: "Well Shaw and Bickell can be tough, who can you put up against them?"

Red Wings fan: "Probably Glendening and Alfredsson. With Miller, I think."

Blackhawks fan: "That's a weird fourth line."

Red Wings fan: "Third."

Blackhawks fan: "What happened to all those old guys? Bertuzzi, Cleary, Samuelsson?"

Red Wings fan: "Hurt."

Blackhawks fan: "So where's Eaves and those guys you put in Grand Rapids?"

Red Wings fan: "Eaves is in Nashville. For Legwand."

Blackhawks fan: "You guys got Legwand?"

Red Wings fan: "Yep."

Blackhawks fan: "And what else?"

Red Wings fan: "Jarnkrok. And a pick."

Blackhawks fan: "Are you kidding me?"

Red Wings fan: "I wish."

Blackhawks fan: "But if we rough it up, you don't have Tootoo..."

Red Wings fan: "On the fourth line, with Emmerton and either Miller or Pulkkinen."

Blackhawks fan: "Hey, I remember Pulkkinen, he got suspended for hitting Kostka."

Red Wings fan: "Yep."

Blackhawks fan: "But you guys had cap trouble. Who's left in Grand Rapids from that?"

Red Wings fan: "Nobody."

Blackhawks fan: "Where'd you guys get all that cap space?"

Red Wings fan: "Injuries."

Blackhawks fan: "Well Howard hasn't been great against Crawford. Are you gonna start Gustavsson?"

Red Wings fan: "He's hurt."

Blackhawks fan: "Groin again?"

Red Wings fan: "Yup."

Blackhawks fan: "Geez. So who's healthy?"

Red Wings fan: "Quincey. He's played in every game. Been better of late, too."

Blackhawks fan: "Ha ha ha, yeah, right. Who do they got him with, Smith?"

Red Wings fan: "DeKeyser."

Blackhawks fan: "So what's your third pairing? Ours is Leddy and Brookbank."

Red Wings fan: "Smith...And Kindl or Lashoff. Lately Kindl and Lashoff have been playing like it's a race to the press box."

Blackhawks fan: "Sucks for you. At least Kronwall and Ericsson are steady, right?"

Red Wings fan: "Not since the Olympics. Sweden rolled 4 defensemen and 3 lines throughout the tournament. Kronwall, Ericsson and Alfredsson all look gassed. It's been rough."

Blackhawks fan: "So your power play must not be so good."

Red Wings fan: "Couldn't shoot a puck in the ocean. We'd try to pass it in."

Blackhawks fan: "And you guys are where?"

Red Wings fan: "Six points behind Montreal and Tampa Bay in the Atlantic. Third in the Wild Card race, two points behind Philly. One ahead of Washington. Two ahead of New Jersey. In the mix, I guess."

Blackhawks fan: "And you're playing us, Toronto, Pittsburgh and Minnesota twice? Then who?"

Red Wings fan: "Columbus, Montreal, Toronto again, and Tampa. Every other day for the rest of the month, except for the back-to-backs on Saturday and Sunday."

Blackhawks fan: "So who's gonna go after that dude in Columbus when you play them..."

Red Wings fan: "Nobody. We can't afford it."

Blackhawks fan: "How many guys are hurt in total?"

Red Wings fan: "Ten."

Blackhawks fan: "How many games left? With no Zetterberg, no Datsyuk, no Helm..."

Red Wings fan: "Andersson, Bertuzzi, Cleary, Jurco, Gustavsson, Samuelsson, Weiss..."

Blackhawks fan: "Andersson, too? What happened to him?"

Red Wings fan: "Broken foot. And sixteen games left."

Blackhawks fan: "How the hell are you gonna make the playoffs? I mean, there's no way in hell you can beat us with that lineup..."

Red Wings fan: "I don't know. And there's always a chance."

Blackhawks fan: "Good luck with that."

Red Wings fan: "We're gonna need it."

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Comments

gowings's avatar

That is hilarious!!!!! Wait…..then why am I crying?

Posted by gowings from MTL on 03/16/14 at 06:24 AM ET

drimo's avatar

Very creative, thanks, George.

Posted by drimo from Cincinnati, OH on 03/16/14 at 06:48 AM ET

WingsFanInBeanLand's avatar

What’s the largest nut in the world?

Because that post is the Wings season placed into its shell.

Posted by WingsFanInBeanLand from where free agents no longer dare. on 03/16/14 at 08:50 AM ET

Figaro's avatar

I have a lot of Blackhawk fan friends. Very few of them are able to name anyone that doesn’t play for Chicago and aren’t named Crosby, Ovechkin, or are ex-Blackhawks.

Posted by Figaro from Los Alamos, NM on 03/16/14 at 09:12 AM ET

Vladimir16's avatar

Red Wings fan: “Yeah, but now he’s got a concussion. *#$%@& Jared Cowan again.”

Blackhawks fan: “Who the hell’s Jared Cowan?”

Red Wings fan: “Concussed Datsyuk. He missed almost a month.”

Blackhawks fan: “But you guys have a player who cleans that nonsense up, right?”

Redwings fan: crickets….

Posted by Vladimir16 from Grand River Valley on 03/16/14 at 09:57 AM ET

stonehands-78's avatar

thanks, GJM.

... I think ...

sick

//sigh//

L.G.R.W.

never
never
never
give
up

Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/16/14 at 10:10 AM ET

Rumbear's avatar

Reality…..sucks.

Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, with 3 fingers of rum & a cigar.. on 03/16/14 at 03:44 PM ET

TreKronor's avatar

Similar conversation to one I had after the game with a relative who is a BHawks fan, except he was trying to rub it in my face that the Hawks won last night.

Honestly, I’d be embarrassed to have been the Hawks and only score 3 or 4 goals on THAT Wings team.

Posted by TreKronor on 03/17/14 at 09:23 AM ET

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About The Malik Report

The Malik Report is a destination for all things Red Wings-related. I offer biased, perhaps unprofessional-at-times and verbose coverage of my favorite team, their prospects and developmental affiliates. I've joined the Kukla's Korner family with five years of blogging under my belt, and I hope you'll find almost everything you need to follow your Red Wings at a place where all opinions are created equal and we're all friends, talking about hockey and the team we love to follow.