Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

Well Corey?  What Now?

Oh, the quandary Corey Perry finds himself in now.  The last time he faced the Detroit Red Wings he was beat down by the four-time Lady Byng award winner. Perry, who considers himself an agitator and even a tough guy, is literally the only player in the NHL who can be described in this fashion: he lost a fight to Pavel Datsyuk.

From what I understand, or what I assume, on-ice and in-room conversations between NHL players can be blunt, sarcastic and brutal.  I assume, then, that Perry has been hearing about the ass-kicking levied upon him by the softest of all Euros since the minute that game ended more than two weeks ago.  Opponents have been bringing it up at every opportunity, reminding Perry what a bitch he must be to (1) have gone after Datsyuk and (b) to have gotten his rough and tumble Western Canadian ass kicked by Byng.

His teammates have, and I’m guessing here of course, been riding him even harder.  Reminding him daily of how many games until he sees Datsyuk again.  Grinding that kabob a little deeper, twisting it.  Seeing him seethe and sputter then grinding deeper.  “You almost had him, don’t worry. It was close.”  Datsyuk in a week….five days….2.  Datsyuk tomorrow.  “Are you scared Corey?  Are you afraid Pavel might take a run at you again?  Flu’s going around…you might want to sit this one out.”

He’s getting it good, and you know he is.  Now…we don’t know this little bitch personally.  We don’t know if he actually acts like a hostess from The View when he’s in the room.  We just don’t know.  But I’m betting that he’s easy to get to…and you know what I mean.  He’s had his buttons pushed for fifteen days now, and oh you can guess it’s been building and building.  But he’s got himself a dilemma now.

If he goes after Datsyuk again?  The worst kind of form.  You don’t develop a reputation of trying to fight Lady Byng winners.  Even for bitches, it’s just bad form.

But what if he ignores Datsyuk and just plays hockey?  Well, the demons won’t go away will they?  The buzzing won’t stop, and the memories of losing a fight to a player he and his very special friend Don Cherry both scoff at so easily…those memories are making him crazy.  He’s sad in his head and he’s got the itches. The bad thoughts keep coming back and the bastards just won’t shut up.  Pavel with a left. Pavel with a left. Why am I falling? What’s happening?  How is this happening? I’m losing, losing, losing. Corey Perry is on the brink of outright insanity right now and he’s got to fix it tonite. He’s got to make the fuzzy men stop.  The rats are circling and he’s got to make them just go. Away. 

And there’s only one solution. He knows what it is, probably known for a few days now.  It has to happen, so that the volcanoes just go away from where his brain used to be.  Fighting Datsyuk won’t help anything because he’ll just get laughed at some more, even if he wins.  And if he loses? Well he can’t even think about that now.  Plus, he’s kinda strong eh Corey?  Didn’t really expect that…he was kind of sturdy, couldn’t get a grip, and he punched you, didn’t expect it..hurt you.

It has to be someone else, somebody tough but there aren’t any fighters on the Wings. If Downey was there? Easy. Even if you lose, Corey (again)....even if you lose, you make a statement.  But there is no Downey.  No Shanny.  Janik, with his slow motion roundhouse?  Ummm, no.  Accomplishes nothing.  It has to be someone it would take courage to square off with.  And that leaves only man. Corey Perry has to do something that is so unsavory, so frigging terrifying that most of society and all of Denver gets the pee shivers just imagining.  Perry has to fight Saddam and it’s gotta be tonite.  Corey Perry, who lost a fight to Pavel Datsyuk, has to redeem himself.  He’s gonna try and dance with Todd Bertuzzi.

Nobody wants to fight a serial killer.  Nobody.  No one knows when or how he’ll snap.  But, good Christ, it’s got to be him and Perry knows it. 

If Bertuzzi plays, and depending on your favorite Digger…that’s still up in the air, Perry’s going after him.  And it’s going to happen early on.  And because Bert is coming close to being a Houlihan family favorite?  Bert’s going to punch Perry in the face and he’s going to do that a few times while he laughs at him with that psychopathic toothless grin. 

Corey Perry’s got herself a quandary tonite, bitches.  It’s a delicious one for us.  A lose-lose for him.  And the best part is, it never had to happen.  It didnt have to be this way Corey.  But you had to do it, didn’t you?  You had to go after Datsyuk.  Lesson learned, eh?

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Comments

42jeff's avatar

lolz….just lolz

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 10/23/10 at 12:14 PM ET

J.J. from Kansas's avatar

I wouldn’t be surprised to see him try to get Howard to drop his blocker.

I’d laugh forever if Jimmy Howard beat up Corey Perry.  Of course, that would never happen, because Brad Stuart would end his life before he got a chance.

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 10/23/10 at 12:21 PM ET

AndrewFromAnnArbor's avatar

Yeah, that punk-ass bitch will find it hard to make threats while mic’ed up when he has no teeth left because the Unabomber wanted to give his wife a new necklace.  Friggin’ nuclear.  Remember what Tuzzi did to Phaneuf in those same playoffs?  He didn’t fight him…he just picked him up and dropped him to the ice.

So, Corey Fairy…are you tougher than Elisha Cuthbert’s uglier half?  That’s what you’ve got to be asking yourself right now.  Feeling lucky, punk-ass bitch?

Posted by AndrewFromAnnArbor from Fortress Europe on 10/23/10 at 12:24 PM ET

Trish's avatar

you guys all crack me up . . . .

Posted by Trish from PalmBeachCntyFL on 10/23/10 at 12:42 PM ET

Guilherme's avatar

That was beautiful.

Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 10/23/10 at 01:33 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Anyone remember last time Bert had a fighting major?  Damn I must be getting “sometimers”.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 10/23/10 at 01:34 PM ET

Sullyosis's avatar

No shit, Perry reads this and goes “meh, I’m going to fight Hudler.”

Posted by Sullyosis from A hateful lair in Post Apocalyptic US (or Arizona) on 10/23/10 at 01:39 PM ET

stonehands-78's avatar

So, Corey Fairy…are you tougher than Elisha Cuthbert’s uglier half?  That’s what you’ve got to be asking yourself right now.  Feeling lucky, punk-ass bitch?

Posted by AndrewFromAnnArbor from Fortress Europe on 10/23/10 at 10:24 AM ET


“Well, do ya punk?”

Good stuff, Chief.

L.G.R.W.

Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 10/23/10 at 01:39 PM ET

Behind_Enemy_Lines's avatar

Why am I falling? What’s happening?  How is this happening? I’m losing, losing, losing.

Ahhh how insane this blog makes me look at work. That shit was too funny man.

Posted by Behind_Enemy_Lines from Evanston,IL on 10/23/10 at 02:01 PM ET

WingsFanInBeanLand's avatar

For some reason I see him flinching every time Datsyuk goes near him.

Posted by WingsFanInBeanLand from where free agents no longer dare. on 10/23/10 at 02:08 PM ET

Bhernhard Bhudznev's avatar

If our boy home keys cracks the lineup tonight,  look for him to display his new boxing skills,  Uncle Mike knows Gator would love to have him some Perry.

However sweet a Sparty Party beatdown would be,  I must admit,  Id prefer seeing the Unibomber issue a manifesto.

Go Bert.

Go Wings.

Go Pav.

Its Saturday Night at the Joe.

Posted by Bhernhard Bhudznev from Traverse City, MI on 10/23/10 at 02:20 PM ET

calquake's avatar

Nobody wants to fight a serial killer.

Or sob like a little bitch… but everyone has their role to play.  Kudos to you Corey for playing yours so very, very well.

Posted by calquake on 10/23/10 at 02:21 PM ET

Osrt's avatar

Gold. Pure gold.

Just like the turds I lay when I do my magic goose walk.

If Tuzzi fought Perry and left him a bloody mess, we’ll have a new folk hero in town. Lazer goal to seal the previous game. Great work ethic all around. Team point leader so far. And ManEater (whenever there aren’t kitten around).

Fuch. Yes.

Please please please let this happen.

ProTuzzi. Everyone else can eat the gold crusts entangled in my taint.

Posted by Osrt on 10/23/10 at 02:53 PM ET

bdos's avatar

Chief, you win the internets for this post.

Posted by bdos from Columbus, OH on 10/23/10 at 02:58 PM ET

calquake's avatar

ProTuzzi. Everyone else can eat the gold crusts entangled in my taint.
Posted by Osrt on 10/23/10 at 12:53 PM ET

Goldschlonger?

Posted by calquake on 10/23/10 at 03:25 PM ET

monkey's avatar

most of society and all of Denver

Awesome.

Oh, and…

Haha Chief, Okie got you back.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 10/23/10 at 03:28 PM ET

Red Winger's avatar

Just think, if the Ducks had any fans they would be on here now fighting with us.

If.

Posted by Red Winger from Sault Ste Marie on 10/23/10 at 03:34 PM ET

Gabriel's avatar

This post earned me not one, but two looks from the wife which said “Oh great, he’s going to just have to tell me what thing Bill said this time…” But I didn’t.  She wasn’t worthy.

With the potential for for sheer awesomeness tonight, I have a request for the Hockey Gods:  mic up #13.  I want to hear him taunting Perry in broken English every time he skates by the Ducks bench.  No way Corey makes it through three periods of that before the twitching and screaming sets in and he starts smearing poop on the glass.  C’mon FSD…that’s just some good TV right there.

Posted by Gabriel from San Diego, CA on 10/23/10 at 03:48 PM ET

GrahamWIIM's avatar

With the potential for for sheer awesomeness tonight, I have a request for the Hockey Gods:  mic up #13.  I want to hear him taunting Perry in broken English every time he skates by the Ducks bench.  No way Corey makes it through three periods of that before the twitching and screaming sets in and he starts smearing poop on the glass.  C’mon FSD…that’s just some good TV right there.

Best idea I’ve heard so far today.

Posted by GrahamWIIM from Chicago via Toronto on 10/23/10 at 04:28 PM ET

Jennemy of the Skate's avatar

This post earned me not one, but two looks from the wife which said “Oh great, he’s going to just have to tell me what thing Bill said this time…”

Lol… I get that from Lee, too. Though, thankfully, he humors me.

Posted by Jennemy of the Skate from the bar car on the stress train on 10/23/10 at 04:39 PM ET

SYF's avatar

LMAO.  Oh man, I love that.

Posted by SYF from the team that re-signed KFQ and DFC by KFH on 10/23/10 at 04:45 PM ET

Avatar

excellent stuff.

Posted by Moose Moss on 10/23/10 at 05:12 PM ET

chloefpuff's avatar

Heh, heh, heh….........puck drop in 30 minutes.  Gotta look up Corey’s number.

Posted by chloefpuff on 10/23/10 at 08:35 PM ET

chloefpuff's avatar

OH CRAP I just remembered - **%&&%^0!!!  Perry’s on my fantasy team!!!!

Posted by chloefpuff on 10/23/10 at 08:39 PM ET

WingsFaninCO's avatar


OH CRAP I just remembered - **%&&%^0!!!  Perry’s on my fantasy team!!!!

Posted by chloefpuff on 10/23/10 at 06:39 PM ET

Hope your league counts PIMs

Posted by WingsFaninCO on 10/23/10 at 08:54 PM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com