Abel to Yzerman
by IwoCPO on 10/23/10 at 11:10 AM ET
Oh, the quandary Corey Perry finds himself in now. The last time he faced the Detroit Red Wings he was beat down by the four-time Lady Byng award winner. Perry, who considers himself an agitator and even a tough guy, is literally the only player in the NHL who can be described in this fashion: he lost a fight to Pavel Datsyuk.
From what I understand, or what I assume, on-ice and in-room conversations between NHL players can be blunt, sarcastic and brutal. I assume, then, that Perry has been hearing about the ass-kicking levied upon him by the softest of all Euros since the minute that game ended more than two weeks ago. Opponents have been bringing it up at every opportunity, reminding Perry what a bitch he must be to (1) have gone after Datsyuk and (b) to have gotten his rough and tumble Western Canadian ass kicked by Byng.
His teammates have, and I’m guessing here of course, been riding him even harder. Reminding him daily of how many games until he sees Datsyuk again. Grinding that kabob a little deeper, twisting it. Seeing him seethe and sputter then grinding deeper. “You almost had him, don’t worry. It was close.” Datsyuk in a week….five days….2. Datsyuk tomorrow. “Are you scared Corey? Are you afraid Pavel might take a run at you again? Flu’s going around…you might want to sit this one out.”
He’s getting it good, and you know he is. Now…we don’t know this little bitch personally. We don’t know if he actually acts like a hostess from The View when he’s in the room. We just don’t know. But I’m betting that he’s easy to get to…and you know what I mean. He’s had his buttons pushed for fifteen days now, and oh you can guess it’s been building and building. But he’s got himself a dilemma now.
If he goes after Datsyuk again? The worst kind of form. You don’t develop a reputation of trying to fight Lady Byng winners. Even for bitches, it’s just bad form.
But what if he ignores Datsyuk and just plays hockey? Well, the demons won’t go away will they? The buzzing won’t stop, and the memories of losing a fight to a player he and his very special friend Don Cherry both scoff at so easily…those memories are making him crazy. He’s sad in his head and he’s got the itches. The bad thoughts keep coming back and the bastards just won’t shut up. Pavel with a left. Pavel with a left. Why am I falling? What’s happening? How is this happening? I’m losing, losing, losing. Corey Perry is on the brink of outright insanity right now and he’s got to fix it tonite. He’s got to make the fuzzy men stop. The rats are circling and he’s got to make them just go. Away.
And there’s only one solution. He knows what it is, probably known for a few days now. It has to happen, so that the volcanoes just go away from where his brain used to be. Fighting Datsyuk won’t help anything because he’ll just get laughed at some more, even if he wins. And if he loses? Well he can’t even think about that now. Plus, he’s kinda strong eh Corey? Didn’t really expect that…he was kind of sturdy, couldn’t get a grip, and he punched you, didn’t expect it..hurt you.
It has to be someone else, somebody tough but there aren’t any fighters on the Wings. If Downey was there? Easy. Even if you lose, Corey (again)....even if you lose, you make a statement. But there is no Downey. No Shanny. Janik, with his slow motion roundhouse? Ummm, no. Accomplishes nothing. It has to be someone it would take courage to square off with. And that leaves only man. Corey Perry has to do something that is so unsavory, so frigging terrifying that most of society and all of Denver gets the pee shivers just imagining. Perry has to fight Saddam and it’s gotta be tonite. Corey Perry, who lost a fight to Pavel Datsyuk, has to redeem himself. He’s gonna try and dance with Todd Bertuzzi.
Nobody wants to fight a serial killer. Nobody. No one knows when or how he’ll snap. But, good Christ, it’s got to be him and Perry knows it.
If Bertuzzi plays, and depending on your favorite Digger…that’s still up in the air, Perry’s going after him. And it’s going to happen early on. And because Bert is coming close to being a Houlihan family favorite? Bert’s going to punch Perry in the face and he’s going to do that a few times while he laughs at him with that psychopathic toothless grin.
Corey Perry’s got herself a quandary tonite, bitches. It’s a delicious one for us. A lose-lose for him. And the best part is, it never had to happen. It didnt have to be this way Corey. But you had to do it, didn’t you? You had to go after Datsyuk. Lesson learned, eh?
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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: email@example.com