Abel to Yzerman
by VooX on 08/16/10 at 05:55 PM ET
Ahoy, bitches, it has been a long time since I’ve had a chance to post an entry. Between the Chief shotgunning entries and Malik, the showoff, blogging at Kukla’s Empire now, there won’t be much pressure on your bartender to post. Which is good, because the bar business has been very busy these days and I’ve been redolent in not posting.
The Emperor decided enough was enough. If he was to justify my extremely high salary as a faux-fessional journalist, he wants me to get to work. So Paul is sending me on a roadtrip… to Traverse City. Wait… that’s the Showoff, not me.
The Emperor has other plans for me, and somehow he’s convinced the NHL that I am a legitimate blogger and not merely an enabler to a train car full of drunks and reprobates. Their folly is our opportunity.
Carpe fuching diem, bitches.
As you may already know, the NHL is holding a second Shanahan Summit this week. You may remember the first Shanahan Summit during the lockout where our good Irish buddy did more to help the NHL in one week than Li’l Gary has in more than a decade.
Paul and the Chief asked if I wanted to attend. And I was very redolent at the idea.
You see, much like the Chief, I never want to be a journalist. Being a journalist means sitting on your hands in the press-box watching the game quietly. Being a journalist means writing unbiased articles and fact checking. I don’t want to do any of those things. I’m a fan, and a damn loud one at that. No one is going to make me tell the story with the Bitter Brittle Bitch Blues, the Vagalanche, or any other team’s perspective in mind. Not going to happen. Ever. And I am proud of that.
As I told my former journalism professor during radio college, I don’t want to sit around waiting for news to happen and report on it, I want to be the one making news happen.
I wasn’t going to attend the Summit. Until I called the Emperor, that is.
You see, I won’t be going to the Shanahan Summit as a journalist. I’ll be going as a blogger. Paul has given me permission to ask the questions no journalist would ask. So it’s game on, bitches.
In addition to top prospects attending, the Shanahan summit will also have most NHL clubs represented along with Li’l Gary himself.
As I’ve come from the world of imaginary friends on the internet to world-wide notoriety and the target of loathing among MSM, I decided that I would ask my imaginary friends for questions they would like to have answered during the Shanahan Summit.
If you could ask Li’l Gary, Tick Tock, The Captain, Jimmy D, Jim Nill, Shanahan, the propsects, journalists, etc., any questions what would they be?
I will select from among the best questions (bonus points for funny/insightful ones) and try and get the answers no one else dares to. We all know the Deep Diggers are afraid to ask tough/uncomfortable questions. I, however, am not a Deep Digger. I’m a real fan with a really big mouth.
Speaking of big mouths, you know how long has it been since I’ve had a chance to sit down and write a post (and I’ve wanted to)? Long enough to let this awesome Dangle quote get a bit stale from waiting on the shelf:
Q: Why are people so fond of Ovechkin?
Datsyuk: Well, like some of his girlfriends, his compatriots paid tribute to his talent.
That comes courtesy George Malik who has finally decided to stop propping up Khan(!)‘s website with actual journalism, the stuff the Deep Diggers hate doing, and join Kukla’s Empire. More on that in a minute.
Back to Dangle, if there is an interview where he doesn’t say something entertaining, I haven’t found it. Contrast that to Rosby who has never said anything entertaining in his entire life. Also contrast the Ovechkin comment to Rosby as well.
Ovechkin is a stud. Apparently on and off the ice. While Alex’s girlfriends pay tribute to his “talent”, I have never heard Rosby ever associated with a woman of any kind. Not even one of Happy Hudler’s hookers. Maybe if Rosby could get laid he wouldn’t be such a redolent punk who punches guys in the yambag from behind or takes cheap shots at classy NHL players in the dying moments of a game.
If Rosby would learn how to use those over-inflated lips to munch some carpet, maybe he’d be happier and he wouldn’t come off as such an incredible douche bag. Unless of course he prefers smoking poles to eating carpet, in which case I completely understand his girly hissy-fits. It’s not his fault, he was born that way.
Moving onto bigger fish (see what I did there?), the Kovalchuk decision has been beaten to death by journalists desperate for a hockey story since the CBA effectively killed summertime free-agent deals to discuss. Instead of flogging the dog any further (a Rosby specialty), I just wanted to add something from our genius fisherman, Hakan Andersson.
Once again, showoff blogger Malik brings us this story:
Wings European scouting director Hakan Andersson tells Aftonbladet’s Mats Wennerhol that he didn’t worry himself about such a review ever taking place:
“No, I simply think that our General Manager, Ken Holland, was a little smarter,” says Detroit’s Swedish scout, Hakan Andersson. “He invented this way to bring down the salary cap hit and others followed. But at the same time, they went a step further. So I’m not worried.”
Bea-u-ti-ful. Notice the subtle humility in there? Ken Holland was a “little” smarter than other GMs. Hakan didn’t have to say that. He could have said what we all know. Tick Tock is not just a “little” smarter, he is full blown Mensa to the NHL’s typical shortbus GMs and executives. Saying that Holland is only a “little” smarter than everyone else is like saying Lindas1st or Claude from Colorado are only “little” douche bags. We all know that adjective is only there to smooth over feathers that may be ruffled when compared to others.
Ken Holland is far smarter than anyone else managing a hockey team or the NHL itself. Remember that as you debate this off-season’s roster moves, bitches.
Adjectives like “little” piss me off. Here at A2Y, we don’t care about ruffling feathers, which is why the MSM hate us. We don’t say that Dater or the Delicate Genius have “little” hockey knowledge, we say quite confidently that they have NO hockey knowledge.
Just like saying that having Malik, our favourite showoff, on the KK roster is a “little” addition is bullshit. It’s fuching huge. Puppies, firetrucks, and Happy Hudler’s hookers all rolled into one. Between the Showoff and the Chief, this (semi-)humble bartender may just sit back and let the giants do their thing. There is always enough glasses to wash, draft lines to maintain, and vomit to cleanup in the Hasek Club Car to keep me busy.
Until then, I will be at the Shanahan Summit to ensure that juvenile deliciousness is appropriately represented.
Please submit your questions for Li’l Gary, the Red Wings’ braintrust, Stevie “Fuching” Yzerman, any of the prospects, or other NHL executives/journalists attending the second Shanahan Summit below. I will do my best to represent my imaginary friends in a most unprofessional manner, which is exactly what you bitches expect of me.
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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org