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Abel to Yzerman

I’m Placing The Stairway To Suck Off Limits

No more Zeppelin.  It’s simply not working and, honestly, it may be an idea that has doomed the first two months of the season.  I’m man enough to admit that I may have contributed to the bad things that have happened.  That, et al, is no act.  I’m fauxing serious.

Until further notice, I’m going back to an old standard.  A Michigan man. 

This post is not going to be filled with happiness. I’m just warning you.  I’m feeling depressed.  How depressed? Well, here’s the cereal I ate this morning.


I called Adrian Dater a biotch on Twitter this morning.  Not sure what his recourse could be.  Will need to consult with the A2Y Squad of Attorneys and see if I’m in danger of litigation.  I can’t afford much more than a six pack of PBR if he elects to sue.

But, hell, first Oprah announces that her shove it all in, lose it, eat some more, lose that shit too, then screw it I’m fat and I dig it farewell tour has begun.  And we were sad.  Then her sister @adater calls it quits too? How much am I expected to take in a span of a week? Huh?

So I won’t be sticking up for the Unibomber anymore.  While we’re on the subject of talk show divas and candy-ass Denver “journalists”, Todd Bertuzzi looked like a hostess on The View last night.  He avoids contact at all costs.  He doesn’t “engage.”  Drew Miller went to the net and the very sight of it made Bertuzzi queezy.  I said last night that he was playing like J. Edgar Hoover.  Not because he has an astute crime-fighting mind.  But because there’s a good chance he may have been wearing a broach and maybe even fishnet socks. 

My comparison was idiotic and insulting.  I apologize to the Hoover family.  But know this:  Todd Bertuzzi looked like absolute, taffy-stuffed garbage last night.  I’ve been saying it since 2007.  The only way this works is if he regains some of the hatred, or at the very least some passion for the game.  The only time I saw a spark of energy out of him was when he was lamely arguing an offensive zone hooking call in the third fauxing period. 

Uncle Mike can say all he wants about his backchecking and whatever else he’s complimented J. Edgar on but I’m starting to think the whole Bertuzzi experiment is coming to an ugly end.

Speaking of ugly…dammit, I can’t remember who said it last night but it was so very awesome.  If you hate Bertuzzi you can blame the Oompa Loompa. Yep.  If Happy Hudler hadn’t taken off for Russia and the land of happy spankers and pliable hookers?  We wouldn’t even be talking about this.  WTF Happy? W. T. F.

We’re decimated and it’s time we came to realize just how bad this is.  The defection of Hossa, Happy Hooker and William Tell left us little room and we all knew it.  Now the absence of Franzen, Wally and Willie has crippled the offense.  Add in Kronwall, who was looking better and better…and you just feel like tasting gun oil.  But hey, you shouldn’t fret.  We’re not even in the top five of teams affected most by Sweet Baby Jesus and his sick obscenity of an injury joke.  Ready?  I knew you were.

This year there has been lots of injuries just like seasons of past, but every year a different team is affected. Below are the top five teams that have been largely affected by key injuries for this season:

#5: New York Islanders:

The Islanders are yet again at the bottom of the table amongst management and stadium problems. Will the Islanders move, it really doesn’t matter at this point because they are in last place in the Atlantic Division and not because of their talent. The Islanders have six players out with injuries, most notably their big money goaltender Rick DiPietro. That 15 year contract is looking more like a problem since DiPietro has yet to have an injury free season since signing. So, what’s more important having a healthy expensive goalie or keeping the Islanders in Long Island?

#4 Edmonton Oilers:

There isn’t much to say for the Oilers, except that they have a league high eight players injured. All are key players and all are costing the team key wins. Granted, the Oilers weren’t expected to have great season but they do look very disappointing thus far.

#3: Vancouver Canucks:

Canucks need not to worry, that broken foot of Daniel Sedin seemed to be healed. Three days ago, he seemed to be out four to six weeks but the announcement was made yesterday that he would most likely play today at Chicago. So, either the foot wasn’t that bad or Sedin is one tough twin who wants to be out there with his brother. The other key loss has to be the often injured Pavol Demitra. If he could only stay healthy he could be huge for any team.

#2 Washington Capitals / Pittsburg Penguins:

Both teams are in first place in their divisions and both are the top two in the East. However, both seem to be stacking up injuries. Washington has seven players out and Pittsburg has five and both seemed to still be playing well, but for how long? The Penguins will most likely continue to play well, despite losing Chris Kuntiz. However, Washington has looked a little sluggish without rookie Quintin Laing, Alexander Semin, and Mike Knuble.

#1 Carolina Hurricanes

If there is any team that is having a disappointing season due to injuries it’s the ‘Canes. Not only are team leaders Cam Ward and Eric Staal still out with injuries from last season but they have yet to find answers or replacements for them. They have looked dismal this year and I wouldn’t look twice if I see Toronto pass them in bottom cellar.

The long term injury of Franzen outweighs every one of them, in my opinion.  But…WTF do I know? I only watch the Wings. I’m not a pharmacist. My blog’s “just an act” and I don’t know how to use “et al” in a sentence.

Thankfully, and as a result of last night’s suck fest, Uncle Mike has a plan.  I’d like to show it to you.


“...we’ll almost have an eight-man block with six players,’’ Babcock said. “It’s way too complicated to explain, but it’ll be simple.’’

Interns from Grand Valley State said Ansar allegedly nodded his head like he understood a fauxing word of that.  Then he explained it this way.

The top two pairs will remain the same (Nicklas Lidstrom-Jonathan Ericsson, Brian Rafalski-Brad Stuart). They’ll play against the opponent’s top two lines. Then he’ll pair one of those players with Brett Lebda and another with Derek Meech to use against the third and fourth lines. And he’ll rotate.

Somebody somewhere said something silly about Chris Osgood. It’s in the live blog and you can look it up if you want.  Chris Osgood was far from the problem last night.  Far. From. The. Problem bitches.  He played awesome.  Goaltending is not our issue.  Goaltending is not going to make or break this season.

Goaltending is not why we’re fighting for a playoff spot and it’s not why the only team beneath us in the Central is the Bitter Bitch Brittle BlowmeGameTime Blues.  Injuries are.  And as long as the Wings keep it close until the studs come back, all will be well for all the same reasons we’ve discussed….adversity, experience, blah, blah, blah.

Unless, of course, more injuries are coming down the pike and who the hell are we to say they’re not?

Then we’re boned again and again, like a Dive fan. 

Ugliness awaits.  More of it.  I sense it and so do you.  We’ve reached a stage where we don’t even look forward to the games anymore.  But it will pass. 

Having said that?  J. Edgar’s got to go.  I’m sick of his pansy ass.  Another astute comment from last night? Bertuzzi ruined two careers when he went Bundy on Moore.  He’s a shell and a fraud when you compare him to what he used to be.  I’m tired of defending him.  Floating, avoiding, escaping, giving pucks away like candy at Christmas, letting little itty bitty hockey players push him around when he should striking fear in their rooster hearts. 

Time to move on big guy.  Your nuts are somewhere else, and they’ve been there for half a decade. 


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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com