Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

Keep Your Enemies Closer

Late, breaking news into the A2Y news room.  Our interns on loan from Saginaw’s Delta College have been conducting exhaustive research all day.  The kind of research that must have been required to compile an in depth power point book report on the 2003 draft? 

Of course not. But good damn research anyway.

Here’s what they found.  There are bloggers out there who don’t like you.  Do I mean the Wings? No. I mean you.  Personally.

Here’s what we know.  Bloggers in Denver, St. Louis, Denver and maybe a few in Nashville aren’t happy with The Proof of Dynasty.  And the South?  They’re not too thrilled down yonder either.

What you’re about to read may make you sad, because I know the hatred of rival fans hurts you deeply.  But I feel it’s my responsibility, as an objective blogger, to bring you all opinions.  Are you ready?

I knew you were.

Joe at Mile High Hockey

I’m not going to talk much more about this.  Detroit winning the Cup is the finishing touch on a season I’m glad is over.  The quicker we can all put 2007-08 behind us, the better.

My advice to you: stay clear of Red Wings blogs and/or fans for a while.  They’re going to be pretty intolerable for some time.

Now, Joe, that’s just mean.  Us? Intolerable?  How?  Heck. I’ll bet we stop mentioning the Stanley Cup altogether after a week.  It will be an afterthought, certainly not the main topic of conversation here.  Intolerable…dammit man.

Let’s stay in Denver.  What a horrible phrase that I never thought I’d write.  But let’s do it anyway.

Gobbles was a virtual Wing-hating machine the last three days or so.  It had been nearly a month since I visited that blog, around the time Detroit disposed of the Dive in like 8 minutes, so when I checked it out last night I was frightened by all the words and sentences.

5 June with Gobbles

It’s a very bittersweet day for Avs fans, well at least for this one. On the good side the Stanley Cup Finals were one of the best series I can remember for a long time. On the Downside the Red Wings are the ones in possession of the cup until next year.

So here’s some ways to celebrate a great hockey season and trying not to focus on the team that won. Here’s some things I enjoyed:

*The Beige Wings: I’ll say it now, if it weren’t for the hiddeous Winged Wheel on the front the Red Wings play one hell of a beautiful game of hockey. In Soccer the Dutch’s style of play is called “Total Football"because they just hold onto the ball until it forces the other team into a mistake. The Beige Wings play “total hockey”

Not bad.  Started out with the obligatory “my life is less happy today because the Wings won”, but ends up with some flattery. Overall, a classy post.  The whole “Beige Wing” thing?  Whatever man.  Have at it.  Stay strong.  Hasn’t really caught on, but hey…if that’s your deal, keep it up. 

Sticking with Gobbles on 3 June

For a team with so many Bandwagon fans (and trust me the Beige Wigns fans are like BoSox fans all over the country, without the ESPN acting as a fan club) who love to throw their tradition and excellence in everyones face, the Red Wings couldn’t even fill every seat. To see this boastful, arrogant, franchise, with the overconfident, boisterous and frankly downright annoying fanbase not even sell out their own building for a Finals game well that’s just ammo for years to come.

Wow.  “Boastful, arrogant”.  “Overconfident, boisterous”.  “Frankly downright annoying”.  Hell yes.  Every one of them.  The only description I take issue with is “overconfident.”  Hard to be overconfident when your team is the Stanley Cup Motherfu**ing Champions, I’m thinking.  Now, had our team been swept away like a crushed Hamms can, right past the recycling bin and straight to the street where transvestites like Darren Garcia can pick it up and cash it in for mascara money?  Yeah, I guess we’d be overconfident.  But, the Cup’s kinda, I don’t know, home.  So…doesn’t really apply.

One more stop in Denver then we move on to a couple places where “despise” is a mild term.  I want to show you this from In The Cheap Seats because I respect the hell out of the way it’s presented.  It’s blogging at its best.  They’ve mixed their burning hatred for the Dynasty with a grudging respect.  The result is a damn good post. 

I’m going to pull bits and pieces from this, just to give you a taste.  But you really have to read the whole thing.

It was inevitable. No matter how long the inept league suits stretched out the postseason, this was going to happen eventually: the stupid Red Wings won the Stanley Cup. Again.

Oh, how I hate them. I hate their cocky fans. I hate the Joe. I hate the stupid octopuses (Octopi? Ocotpussies? Whatever). I hate the Hockeytown moniker. I hate their Original Six status and long sense of tradition. I hate the timeless logo and the classic uniforms. I hate that when someone mentions the number 19, the first guy most people think of is not Joe Sakic.

I hate that the Wings had to lop $37 million off their payroll the year after the lockout and still finished first in the Western Conference. The Avalanche dropped $22 million and took 3 years to recover.

I hate them because they are better than us. Of all the frigging teams…

Go back and read the whole thing.  It’s just a damn good post.  I’ll wait here while you do.

Hi.  Glad you came back.  I’ve been waiting, considering what kind of 2007-2008 Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings: A Frigging Dynasty Bitches shirts, flags and hats I’d buy.

But I’ll do that later.  Now?  Yeah, now.  Let’s head to the Bitter Bitch Blues fans in St. Louis.  I’m literally laughing as I write this.  Partly because I love alliteration.  Secondly because I find fewer things funnier than the absolute, rock bottom, no holds bars hatred Blues fans have for Wing fans. My god they frigging despise you.  And, I’ll speak for the 19, we wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Let’s, without further hesitation (you thought I was going to say “adieu”.  Nope. Not here.), move on to St. Louis Game Time. (rather than asterisk out the consistent F Detroit references, I’ve replaced them with phrases a Blues fan will appreciate.  It’s going to be confusing to read, but satisfying.  Stick with it.  My replacement phrases will be in quotes.)

And still you want to know why we continue to say “we’re the Wings’ bitches”? Ask any Blues fan why they hate Detroit and you’ll get one of two answers: 1) their fans are “laughing at us because we’re Blues fans” or 2) their fans are “still laughing at us because we’re Blues fans”.

It’s tough to figure out which kind of Detroit fan you’re dealing with, but here’s your handy-dandy guide to picking out which version is currently annoying you:

Step One: ask it, “how long have you been a Red Wings fan?”

If the answer is later than 1997, they are “probably younger than 11 and still more literate than your average Blues fan”. Any answer from before 1997 leads you to Step Two.

Step Two: ask it, “Really? Other than Steve Yzerman, who was your favorite player on the team?”

Thanks for the ‘97 reference. It leads me to mention the 4 Cups we’ve won in that span while the Blues have been bending over the prison sink.  Every single year.  If you want to read the original post at SLGT, the way it appeared before my creative editing, here it is.

But wait. There’s more.

This is priceless.

We don’t care about you and we’ll never care enough about your team to bookmark your team’s derivative bloggers at any point, much less when our team is good and yours is not.

Hell, I guarantee the content co-opters at Abel to Yzerman were about to link this article under the heading “Bitter Blues Fans” again right up until they just read that last half-sentance. Thanks but no thanks, you Kukla hangers-on. Keep your unoriginal commenters over in your own unoriginal domain.

Meanwhile, you all can keep focusing on us and simultaneously pretending that you couldn’t care less about our team as a rival, but that’d be playing right back into us, wouldn’t it? If we’re not your rivals, then why do you care what we think about you? Are you busy combing the Nashville Predator blogs too, just to ensure that their Saturn plant workers aren’t getting over on you and your GM asses? I bet you’re not, but if you are, well, that’s even sadder.

Go “start the DVR again and watch the Cup presentation…again”, Detroit. We hate your team, but only because we hate you, the fans, somewhere around 100 times more.

Oh. No he din’t.  Little Brad or Bitter Sean, whoever the genius author of that post is, isn’t going to bookmark us?  I’ll try to recover.  Which half-sentence would keep us from the BBB reference?  This?  “when our team is good and yours is not”?  When exactly will that be?  I’m just kinda wondering.  If you figure that out, will you let us know?  Because, well, we’re kind of looking at two or three more Cups, maybe before your team makes the playoffs again.

Stay Classy St. Louis.  Remember, because you hate us, we keep reading.  It’s the funniest stuff we can find.

Time to wrap it up.  But before we do, Acid Queen.  AQ’s been a Wing hater for a long time.  A long time.  She’s never been shy about it at her place or here in the comments.  We’ve pointed to her more than a few times when Detroit was her subject of scorn, and now it’s time to show you that while she makes no secret of how she feels about you or our city, she’s got enough class to congratulate you when the situation calls for it.

As much as I hate that team, as much as I think that their fans are (with a few exceptions–three of whom are bloggers) a bunch of drooling moronic n00blets with no class who know exactly dick-all about hockey, as much as I was hoping for them to get pwned a la 1995, I must speak truth here:

They–the Red Wings–are consummate professionals, and in these Finals they gave a clinic in how to completely and totally dismantle a team that had become–and let us be honest here–a disorganized gang that at times in this series could barely find their own nutsacks with a flashlight and a sat-nav unit. I must applaud that.

Anyone who is a fan of the sport must, in my opinion, rise above their hatred and applaud the skill and professionalism shown by the Red Wings. Valour of course doesn’t enter into this equation, not this time–they didn’t have a captain who willed himself to play on one functional leg. They didn’t have to overcome any great adversity or even have to battle back from being on the ropes. They were simply given a task, and like the band of trained assassins that they are the Red Wings terminated their target with extreme prejudice.

I must raise a glass to that. As a fan of hockey, as an admirer of individual skill, I must salute that. I must admire that.

I never said I had to like it, of course. But I must–and I do–respect it.

Right back at ya AQ.

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com