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Flames Fans Fantastic! Oiler’s Fans? Not So Much…

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I was really hoping to wait and save this mind dump for a more opportune time. That time being after the 1st game of the year and the steaming pile of Oil is doing their best to secure the 2012 1st overall selection. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to differentiate a Calgary Flames fan from an Edmonton Oiler fan. Please let me give the causal observer a run down on the differences.

Calgary fans are renowned for their hockey knowledge. They realize that it’s polishing a turd when one continues to brag about being the worst team in hockey and getting a better 18 year old to help your team’s fortunes in 4 or 5 years, if ever. These congenial fans also realize that there is no reason to make fun of their weak sisters to the North. (Thought it should be noted that pseudo-journalists are exempt from any such guidelines while explaining to the eyes and ears of society.) Have you ever put a picture of Brad Pitt next to Danny DeVito? Well that’s about what you see when a Flame fan has the misfortune of standing near a bank machine when the Oiler fan thinks he’s playing the VLT’s. My apologies to Mr. DeVito for the character assassination.

Flames fans don’t need to get window stickers, 4 window flags, barbecue covers, and tattoos with names like Pisani, Moreau, Penner, and Plante and other stars of the future. Flames fans are filling the Dome every night expecting to see a First Class event with great atmosphere and numerous stunningly gorgeous women in the stands, deliciously aired for your enjoyment across the

Bimbotron

Jumbotron. In the piss-stench-adorned Rexall Place you are treated to a 75% chance of a drubbing and a 95% chance that the person next to you is missing 6-8 teeth. The best part of the Oilers’ games are that they do indeed end, and you can head back to your van, down by the river. (Chris Farley). Let’s just hope that Murderville can slow down on its nation-leading murder rates soon. As for the Oilers’ Dance Troop that the citizens were so against having dance and tush shake, well guess what…they have become a welcome distraction to the on ice product.The Oil brass is even thinking of dressing Hemsky and Horcoff in tutus and maybe keep them healthy in 2011-2012. They deserve a chance to shine.

I would love to explain how female Oiler fans present themselves but I fear I may insult the cattle industry, something we Calgary fans hold dear to our hearts. Another silly idiosyncrasy of Oiler fans is that they blow their proverbial load with every 2 points. I even had the pleasure of hearing a smelly Oil fan tell me how the Baby Oiler prospects crushed the Baby ‘Nuck.s in Penticton recently. Really…..I’m at a loss for words that don’t rhyme with Plumb Flastards.

I’m very proud to say that all the Flames fans I know and see at the beautiful ScotiaBank Saddledome are well mannered, Flame-jersey wearing, beer drinking, extremely intelligent, and aesthetically pleasing individuals. In 2004 when the USA government threatened to stop taking our energy stockpiles unless their team was allowed the Stanley Cup (see TBay Lightning, Martin Gelinas disallowed goal) the fans didn’t destroy their city like those ding dongs in B.C, they went for a leisurely stroll and had their big breasted gal pals share their gifts with the many onlookers. I think if the Oil were even .500, the city would be pale faced with shock. Ugly pale faced I might add..

The Calgary Flames will always have an exciting product and will never have to be the embarrassment of the nation. The sad sack Oil can’t even get players to show up or stick around. See Matthew Lombardi (stud at one point), Michael Nylander, Chris Pronger, Dany (I’m an All-Star) Heatley, and every other decent Free Agent.  BUT I can agree with these vertical family-treed fans, they indeed have a bevy of talented former junior players. The only problem is that they do their time and VOILA their 3 years are up and off they go! Just like their typical fan’s sense of fashion and hygiene; the plan was solid, but in reality they just plain stink.

Feeling the Love,
Scooter Saprykin

P.S. That’s Hockey, another group of hockey experts, picks the woeful Oilers to finish as strong as ever…30th place coming up!
P.S.S. More of these fact filled essays are available at Kukla’s Korner on the web or, @kuklaskorner or @scootermario in the Twittersphere.

Filed in: Scooter Kelly, | KK Hockey | Permalink
  Tags: calgary+flames, edmonton+oilers, scooter+kelly, ugly+humans

Comments

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Wow Scooter.

How insightful.

Not only is your article atrocious and badly written, but now you are back peddling and saying it was all a joke?

...um yeah.

Great conviction…lacking a spine comes to mind, even if it was a complete atrocity,

Paul, I know you have already had your say about this, but your blog is absolutely above this. Not much else to say really. I am not going to lie and say I won’t come back because I will, but this was absolute trash. Ditch this pile and replace him with a Flames fan that will actually talk hockey.

Not to compare the two cities, but have a look at what Lisa is submitting for the OIlers and hockey fans as a fine example…

Posted by KDM on 09/15/11 at 08:38 PM ET

OlderThanChelios's avatar

Hello commenters- as a veteran of 5 blogs, I didn’t realize that the community would be so thin skinned. It was meant as a joke.

If your post was meant to be satire, humor or just silliness, it was an epic fail. It just came off as jerk calling another team’s fans jerks.

Try reading some of the Master Chief’s posts about the Bitter Blues Bitches or the loser Avs fans if you want to see how to poke fun at a fan base while actually being, you know, funny. After five blogs, one would think you’d be better at something like that.

...within the next 48 hours. KK members will be able to block any KK blog from their home page.

And to that news, I can only say this. smile

Posted by OlderThanChelios from Grand Rapids, MI on 09/15/11 at 09:51 PM ET

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I dont see why you all can’t find the non-serious potential chuckles, perhaps if the shoe was on the other foot?

Perhaps if the entry was funny?

I’m all for bagging on shitty organizations like the Oil (and the Flames), but you could try being clever and/or funny and you might get a better response.

Posted by Garth on 09/15/11 at 11:32 PM ET

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To all the upset Oilers fans out there. I am very happy to see Oiler fans are excited and passoinate about the upcoming season. But I feel the need to come to the defence of Scooter. As I am a true Oiler fan I realize that this article may take offence to a person who doesnt know scooter. Unfortanally I work with this guy everyday and hear him talk about all things flaming C. which in the last two years has been alot of what IFS and shoulda coulda woulda. So boys and Girls of Oil country he is pulling at straws what do the flames have to cheer about. They have more issues then a blogger trying to take the atention off a team that is A Cup contender that hasnt made the playoffs. So really guys jokes on the flames, only positive scott and i share about the flames is a mutal friend that suits up with them. Which as a oilers fan is tough to swallow but hey hes a friend.

Thats where this leads me in my comments. Scotts a friend with extremly good hockey knowledge and inside facts with the flames. Scotts also a very commical and entertaining personalty. Although some might take offence like i said to this post but Scotts just starting the early season battle between the two teams which should be taken in fun. Yes its a joke scooter is a joker. And when i saw his comment this morning I laughed which I hope others did as well. We will be seeing interesting articles from him this season and as he posts more you will be able to understand scotts mind set as the year goes on. So i am coming to a co-worker/friends defence tonight asking us oiler fans realize this is all in fun and well lets just pray for the flames sake THE CUP contender makes the playoffs and we beat them in first cound of playoffs if they make it (flames of course) Because like i point out to scott everyday at work they played 82 games last year same as the oil. but they are older headed in a bad direction and the oil is filled with young talent and special years ahead. So Oilcountry the good years are ahead of us.

Last but not least I will take full fault for this article as it was proberly gear towards oiler fans dur to the abuse Scott takes daily from myself so give him a break as he is a good guy good friend good hockey mind just cheers from the wrong team. Look forward to scooter next post and the next time he trys to make himself feel better as a flames fan LOL

Posted by Sean Checkley from Fox Valley, Sk on 09/15/11 at 11:50 PM ET

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The Chief’s not as bad as this. This is, like, a big article of nothing. It would be like if Metzer(? took over for Tony?) wrote 1000 words about how Philadelphia smells, with such witticisms as ‘Man your streets…how do you live with yourself lol! City of brothers on drugs lol!’.

That idiot who was filling in for the chief for a while was worse than this guy, though. Voxo or whatever. Didn’t read the blog enough to know if anyone ever stopped taking pity and told him that.

Posted by steviesteve on 09/16/11 at 12:31 AM ET

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Lets face it flames 30th this year. Remember all things gay cough** flaming sorry!!

Posted by Karl on 09/16/11 at 12:45 AM ET

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LOVE IT!!!! Refreshing and great for the AB rivalry. Hey hockey town Overhaul shit head! Go read the Hockey News if you want the same old boring hockey stats and typical interview crap day after day. Get over it its one blog with some hilarious content that you obviously don’t get!!!

Scotter keep it up I join you beating the typical oil fan that still believes that the calendar is stuck in the eighties as all they can talk about is the good old days!

And Hockey Town Overhaul…... tune out Flame vs. Oil game days so I don’t have to listen to you whine and cry .... go purchase a hockey news that day.

Posted by Decker on 09/16/11 at 01:30 AM ET

OlderThanChelios's avatar

Last but not least I will take full fault for this article as it was proberly gear towards oiler fans dur to the abuse Scott takes daily from myself so give him a break as he is a good guy good friend good hockey mind just cheers from the wrong team. Look forward to scooter next post and the next time he trys to make himself feel better as a flames fan LOL

Well, Sean, if you work with “Scooter,” I sure as hell hope your job doesn’t involve writing. You came close to making EvilPens look smart with your post.

Seriously, folks, what the hell is going on in society these days? Is anyone learning anything in eighth-grade English anymore? If what we’re seeing in blog posts is any indication of the level of literacy in today’s workforce, it’s no wonder the world is in the mess it’s in.

Posted by OlderThanChelios from Grand Rapids, MI on 09/16/11 at 02:00 AM ET

HockeytownOverhaul's avatar

Haha and I thought I was the most constructive of the descenders..  clearly you have a tenuous grasp on the english language and I imagine and even harder time actually understanding comprehensive conversation… never said that’s what I wanted but if you need to take out some frustrations I understand.. being a flames fan and all.. so take your shots at me but in all fairness I think im more an *#$%@& than a *#$%@&… thanks

Posted by HockeytownOverhaul on 09/16/11 at 02:58 AM ET

HockeytownOverhaul's avatar

Dissenters* autofill a bitch wink.. like slamming a door then coming back for your keys haha

Posted by HockeytownOverhaul on 09/16/11 at 02:59 AM ET

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Scotter keep it up I join you beating the typical oil fan that still believes that the calendar is stuck in the eighties as all they can talk about is the good old days!

Well first it’s Scooter, not Scotter.

Second, shouldn’t your team at least make the playoffs before you can make fun of ANYONE?

The Oilers suck now, but they’re absolutely going to get better through drafting, and I think you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who thinks the Flames are going to be anything other than completely mediocre for the foreseeable future.

Posted by Garth on 09/16/11 at 02:23 PM ET

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This is just garbage journalism comming from where….................you guessed it, Calgary.
Its a good thing breathing is an involuntary reaction.

Posted by D from Nanaimo on 09/17/11 at 05:46 PM ET

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Paul Kukla founded Kukla’s Korner in 2005 and the site has since become the must-read site on the ‘net for all the latest happenings around the NHL.

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