Kukla's Korner Hockey
by IwoCPO on 08/03/06 at 01:49 PM ET
How's your summer vacation been, Kenny?
No, really...I want to know. Have you found this relaxing, stimulating, stressful, challenging, emotionally destructive?
Because, I'm no GM...just a Sailor who likes hockey. But, man; this summer's frigging killing me.
I have to assume, Ken, that you're feeling the heat. I'm looking at the issues you've had to deal with and I can tell you I would have been in the fetal position around mid-June.
Your team got punched in the face by the 8 seed, after which your starting goalie said he just may go ahead and string himself up. You told him to leave and we agreed with you.
And your Captain? Well, The Captain was going to retire any day.
But then he didn't. Back to that in a minute.
You made some comments early on Kenny. You told us there were changes on the horizon..."a seven skater turnover", "more grit", "improving the blueline." And a new frigging goalie, Ken. You promised us a new goalie. You said it. We believed you. And then they started disappearing.
Gerber...gone. We wanted him, Ken. Roloson...stayed in Edmonton. That's ok. A few of us weren't sold on him anyway, despite the repeated kidney punches he gave us in April. Names started popping up Ken...Giguere, Nabakov, Brysgalov, Biron. We thought any of them would do. We weren't greedy. No we weren't...stop interrupting.
But the summer drug on Ken, your summer, the summer of Ken. The summer where you would prove to the world that you aren't just a rich kid with money to throw around.
Then the defensemen started to leave. McKee...ours. Mitchell...ours. Jovo and Blake...pretty expensive, but we certainly would have welcomed them. Heck, Witt?...ours. We wanted all of them Ken. But, we didn't get any and we started to get sad. We wondered about you Ken. I'll admit it.
Then we started hearing about a young man in Florida that you were trying to acquire. We don't know, Ken. We have no idea if that was true, if you were trying to bring us our Franchise Goalie. But, yeah...we got our hopes up. We started telling you to trade little Pavel, to hold on to Kronwall, to trade Robert and his flowing hair. Anything to bring us our Franchise Goalie.
But then...he was gone, too. And, Ken...I'll admit it. We started to panic. We threw things and stomped our feet. We demanded answers Ken. We wanted you to tell us just how you were going to spend some cash, and spend it soon, but not too much because of the cap, just enough to get us back to our rightful place in the Finals.
Then the Captain left. Man, right or wrong Ken, that sucked.
Then Shanny left. Ken? Ken? Shanny and the Captain both left Hockeytown. No Franchise Goalie, no Stevie Y, no Irish Jig.
It made us forget that you re-signed our boy Nick to a bargain deal...well, a bargain by your standards. Insane, obscene money to us. But a bargain for you.
Then a picture showed up on the internet Ken. We had to minimize it in case the kids walked by. It was horrific...you and Eddie Belfour, together, in the basement of the Joe...walking.
We revolted Ken. We lost it. And, well...we feel silly. We know courting Edward was a ploy on your part. We know now you would never bring that sociopath into our quiet, happy homes.
But we still didn't have a goalie and that made us nervous. Yes, you signed our little pal Ozzie. We smiled and said "good for him." But, he's not the guy you promised us Ken. You told us in May that we'd have a goalie through trade. Then you said through free agency. Then they were all gone.
In July you got us some grit. And you got him cheap. We like the Markov signing Ken. We look forward to watching him hurt bad men. But he can't hipcheck pucks out of the net, Ken. We wanted that goalie.
And then you turned up the heat Ken. On the day the Tigers were certainly going to deal for their own Franchise Player, you jumped back in time and came back with a brittle legend. Your boy across the way, Double D, didn't get his guy Alfonso, but you woke us up with Dominik.
Now some of us are confused. We don't know what to think or say. One minute we're happy, the next we're not. Can he stay healthy Ken? Is he going to disrupt that happy Wings lockerroom, the same room that's been home to first-round losers and underachievers?
It's been a long summer Ken. Your summer. The Summer of Ken. How about closing it out by spending a bit more of that 4.2 you have left over on a power forward? That'd be cool. I know there's really none out there, but hey...make it happen.
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