All Things Flaming C
by Scooter Kelly on 09/15/11 at 10:00 AM ET
I was really hoping to wait and save this mind dump for a more opportune time. That time being after the 1st game of the year and the steaming pile of Oil is doing their best to secure the 2012 1st overall selection. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to differentiate a Calgary Flames fan from an Edmonton Oiler fan. Please let me give the causal observer a run down on the differences.
Calgary fans are renowned for their hockey knowledge. They realize that it’s polishing a turd when one continues to brag about being the worst team in hockey and getting a better 18 year old to help your team’s fortunes in 4 or 5 years, if ever. These congenial fans also realize that there is no reason to make fun of their weak sisters to the North. (Thought it should be noted that pseudo-journalists are exempt from any such guidelines while explaining to the eyes and ears of society.) Have you ever put a picture of Brad Pitt next to Danny DeVito? Well that’s about what you see when a Flame fan has the misfortune of standing near a bank machine when the Oiler fan thinks he’s playing the VLT’s. My apologies to Mr. DeVito for the character assassination.
Flames fans don’t need to get window stickers, 4 window flags, barbecue covers, and tattoos with names like Pisani, Moreau, Penner, and Plante and other stars of the future. Flames fans are filling the Dome every night expecting to see a First Class event with great atmosphere and numerous stunningly gorgeous women in the stands, deliciously aired for your enjoyment across the
Jumbotron. In the piss-stench-adorned Rexall Place you are treated to a 75% chance of a drubbing and a 95% chance that the person next to you is missing 6-8 teeth. The best part of the Oilers’ games are that they do indeed end, and you can head back to your van, down by the river. (Chris Farley). Let’s just hope that Murderville can slow down on its nation-leading murder rates soon. As for the Oilers’ Dance Troop that the citizens were so against having dance and tush shake, well guess what…they have become a welcome distraction to the on ice product.The Oil brass is even thinking of dressing Hemsky and Horcoff in tutus and maybe keep them healthy in 2011-2012. They deserve a chance to shine.
I would love to explain how female Oiler fans present themselves but I fear I may insult the cattle industry, something we Calgary fans hold dear to our hearts. Another silly idiosyncrasy of Oiler fans is that they blow their proverbial load with every 2 points. I even had the pleasure of hearing a smelly Oil fan tell me how the Baby Oiler prospects crushed the Baby ‘Nuck.s in Penticton recently. Really…..I’m at a loss for words that don’t rhyme with Plumb Flastards.
I’m very proud to say that all the Flames fans I know and see at the beautiful ScotiaBank Saddledome are well mannered, Flame-jersey wearing, beer drinking, extremely intelligent, and aesthetically pleasing individuals. In 2004 when the USA government threatened to stop taking our energy stockpiles unless their team was allowed the Stanley Cup (see TBay Lightning, Martin Gelinas disallowed goal) the fans didn’t destroy their city like those ding dongs in B.C, they went for a leisurely stroll and had their big breasted gal pals share their gifts with the many onlookers. I think if the Oil were even .500, the city would be pale faced with shock. Ugly pale faced I might add..
The Calgary Flames will always have an exciting product and will never have to be the embarrassment of the nation. The sad sack Oil can’t even get players to show up or stick around. See Matthew Lombardi (stud at one point), Michael Nylander, Chris Pronger, Dany (I’m an All-Star) Heatley, and every other decent Free Agent. BUT I can agree with these vertical family-treed fans, they indeed have a bevy of talented former junior players. The only problem is that they do their time and VOILA their 3 years are up and off they go! Just like their typical fan’s sense of fashion and hygiene; the plan was solid, but in reality they just plain stink.
Feeling the Love,
P.S. That’s Hockey, another group of hockey experts, picks the woeful Oilers to finish as strong as ever…30th place coming up!
P.S.S. More of these fact filled essays are available at Kukla’s Korner on the web or, @kuklaskorner or @scootermario in the Twittersphere.
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