Kukla's Korner

All Things Flaming C

What’s Up In Flames Country?

Yeehaw, and Howdy Partner! Thankfully those euphemisms are gone for another 11 and a half months from the Calgary vocabulary. Of course I refer to the Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth, The Calgary Stampede which has recently concluded. Thankfully J-Feast didn’t field any calls for his prized D-Man Jay Bouwmeester as he was crushing copious amounts of lager while donning his cowboy hat and assless chaps. Perhaps this visual is too much. But his mastery of the game they call the off-season does continue…

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Flames Sign Studs…Yet Haters Hate.

Jay Feaster and his team of clandestine wiseguys have pulled off a couple major acquisitions in the past week. Dennis Wideman came aboard before the draft for a 5th rounder and a spare part (they needed a roster spot.) He was compensated with a $26M/ 5 year deal. I’m thinking his number would have been higher on the open market once one views the hype de resistance of the Ryan Suter deal. 13 years/$98M for a very good defenseman that tallied 46 points. There is another player that we’ve talked about that had 46 points last season. That player is Dennis Wideman.

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Flaming Draft; Day 1

Dearest Flames Brethren,

Please be kind to the Flames management with regards to tonight’s draft. They are the experts. (Tongue in cheek? Nah, they’re solid.)

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Flames Update…Ready to Be Inspired?

The month of cleansing the mind of the Flames 2011-12 demise is coming to a close. Copious amounts of malt liquor and other fermented elixirs have passes into the gullets of the faithful, yet incensed fans. There have been some notible changes thus far in our increasingly elongated post seasons we’ve become accustomed to…..like our Northern friends, the 1st Overall Draft Pick Experts.

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Nothing Nice to Say. Effing Flames.

As my aged and wise mother once coined “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all! Well all ye Flames brethren have plenty to say, but very little that can be construed as nice. The 2-4-4 string of turds the crimson brothers have put together has shown us what we probably all knew before the season started….they are a long way from being serious contenders, and I dare say, the passage to greatness is gonna be rife with pitfalls and Indian Jones-style rolling rocks.

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Circling the Drain-Flames Style!

As time marches on, your Flaming C organization continues to hang on to delusions of grandeur and the possibility of playoff time. The 4 straight losses clearly show the non-medically placate that they are not that good right now. As deep as they are with Iggy, Tangs, Gio and Kipper,.........(Jokinen has fallen to levels seen only by Jokinen) the team’s efforts show us some insight into what they are thinking right now. They are using body language as they are discouraged from active interaction with the pee-on consumer we call fans. Let’s discuss.

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Standard Flames Abortion

Rick Santorum hates abortion and birth control. The Calgary Flames don’t like to take the easy gal home from the sock hop. Where these 2 entities parallel is that they both are in bitter fight for survival and they both need major successes to improve their chances at making it to the next stage. Please enjoy the political reference as you may never see that again.

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Svensational Flames?

The injury bug has given rise to a pleasant little Flames footnote. Not only are the local yokels right in the playoff melange, they are showcasing their 2012 prodigal son Sven Baertschi. The Swiss stud has 3 snipes in his 4 games including a beauty 17 seconds into tonight’s 4-1 victory over the Phoenix Coyotes.  Sooner than later this love-in will end as Lee Stemp and Lance Romance Bouma will be deemed healthy and our new eye-apple will be returned to Portland of the WHL…with a boatload of sweet stories including the tale of the fans chanting his name late in the 3rd period. Yes folks, that is the sad reality, he won’t be around for long. Drink him in while you can.

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Sven Baertschi to Zee Rescue?

The desperate disease requires a dangerous remedy- Guy Fawkes, 1605. Please be careful when attributing this quote as some may say you have a potty mouth. The Flaming C have recalled the exciting Sven Baertschi from Portland on an emergency basis. Tim Jackman is the most recent fallen warrior as he sustained a malady against les Habitants Tuesday night. Calgary held on to a 5-4 victory but were felled with another roster void. As the number of Abbotsford recalls is kept to a certain level, the summoning of the Winter Hawk stud seems like a no-brainer.

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Flaming into the Abyss?

Congratulations to Jarome Iginla on his 13th season of 25 goals or better. Even better is the fact that he has achieved that in consecutive seasons on a team that many may deem subpar.  This season’s version of the Calgary Flames leave us questioning many aspects of their game. The debate is over. The team is horrible at shootouts. They are 3-7 in these sordid affairs and have lost another 5 games in overtime. Pee-yugh. They have been kind enough to let teams back into games enabling the extra time, and inevitably they may be letting those teams into the playoffs, a sort of “holding the door” mentality. Very Canadian indeed though their passionate fans are more of the ” Flee the burning building” kind of operation. The shame spiral continues, yet the excuses still fail to materialize.

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