Canucks and Beyond
The North American press and hockey blogs have spent months analyzing the possible return of Peter Forsberg to the NHL (and often with the kind of reverence usually attributed to the devout contemplating the resurrection of Jesus Christ) but their hopes were sadly interrupted yesterday with the news that
... err… Foppa… hurt his ankle.
But while those same analysts seriously ponder how this travesty could happen—studying the various miscues of Forsberg’s recent career as he’s attempted to regain his health and strength—the Swedish newspapers haven’t been nearly as preoccupied with all the accepted jargon.
They have their own theory about how Forsberg’s career ground to a halt:
Having taken some crap from an Avalanche fan the other day for this embarrassment, I was delighted to see an opportunity to return the favor this morning.
As my friend said, “sometimes the jokes just write themselves.” Indeed. But if we’re really lucky, the Denver Post’s Adrian Dater will write them for you:
Title: C’mon Avs Fan, You’re Better Than That
A lot of Avalanche fans lost their hats for nothing the other night.
When Ryan Smyth scored in the shootout, hats rained onto the Pepsi Center ice, but they shouldn’t have.
C’mon now, Avs fans - you knew that goals scored in a shootout don’t count toward a player’s official overall goal stats. Right?
While everyone else has been doing team previews of their favorite clubs, I’ve sort of been feeling left out. So I’ve decided to rectify that.
However, being limited by the fact that I don’t possess any qualifications whatsoever to share in-depth, complex team previews, I thought I’d prepare my own version instead. Which brings me to NHL Summaries for Dummies. Not team summaries so much as random information and/or fake slogans for all 30 teams in the league.
I figure that in a world where Maggie the Monkey has as much of a chance at being right as anybody else, in-depth, complex NHL analysis is probably highly overrated anyway.
In the world of college sport, Michigan and its neighbors enjoy their trash talk. And even if it traumatizes a nice Canucks boy -- as was the case last weekend -- I'm always in support of Michigan getting trashed. The papers are reporting Brendan Morrison's distress as he witnessed his alma mater - the University of Michigan - get defeated in the NCAA football championships (whateverthehell, Brendan. college football? snooooore...). Regardless, it upset Mo, hence fun for others who sent him taunting text messages to amuse themselves after the defeat. Particularly Ryan Kesler:
"I called him the day it happened," Kesler said. "I couldn't stop laughing. It was pretty funny. Mo was pretty rattled about it." Morrison may have been rattled at the time but he has since recovered, at least based on his response Tuesday. "I received a lot of text messages but I couldn't read Kesler's because he can't spell," Morrison retorted. "He went to Ohio State, so..."But GM Dave Nonis, who attended college in Maine, gets the final word: "I never have a hard time seeing Michigan lose no matter what sport it's in." Amen. I was looking at the Detroit Red Wings' schedule today, and I say they go 3-5-1 in the pre-season. By the time Vancouver plays them home and home on October 24th and 28th, their confidence should be shattered and their souls hollow, making them easy pickings for Canucks' scoring machines like Jeff Cowan and Brad Isbister. And besides, that should be around that time that Crazy Hasek and his groin decide to take a month off. That boy's equipment is living on borrowed time. __________________ *photo credit to zianet.com
With the new Vancouver Canucks jerseys unveiled yesterday, it’s clear to me that I won’t be buying a new Canucks sweater anytime soon. But I recently purchased a vintage-style Luongo jersey, so I’m all set for hockey clothing at the moment anyway.
However, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to lavish some of my hard-earned cash on other hockey toys, so I decided to check out the NHL Shop website today and browsed the merchandise. I finally settled on 8 products that are probably under-appreciated by the fans of Vancouver, Colorado, Detroit, Minnesota, NY Rangers, NY Islanders, Nashville and Toronto. It occurred to me that they were just being marketed all wrong, so I made a few minor changes to their promotion.
note: as will become immediately clear, I have no future in the advertising world.
The boys at Facewash provide an Ode to the Coach Some highlights:
-Coach should have at least 19 coffee cups strewn across his desk, all with varying levels of liquid.
-Coach should have to replace the strap for his whistle at least once during the season because he keeps ripping it from his neck.
-Coach should NEVER have naturally colored hair. It should be either grey and falling out, or shoe polish black…and falling out.
-Coach should smoke at least a pack a day. He HAS TO because your stupid ass can’t backcheck!
-Coach should know the names of all the bartenders near the rink, so that when they call to tell him “you know who just showed up” he can then locate the bar, go to the bar, down the player’s whiskey, then haul him by the collar back to the rink where he will take shots at the kid.
Here are some more flashbacks to your former—or current—hockey coaches.
By now, I assume Steven Colbert’s schtick with the term “Truthiness” is familiar to most people. The notion of “these are the facts because they’re the facts I like” is my own quick definition of Truthiness. And I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Wikiality: The Encyclopedia of Truthiness had an entry for “hockey”. Here’s a small sample…
Creation of Hockey
Hockey was invented by godless communists from Canada who needed something to do while freezing their butts off in the middle of winter, besides ice fishing or clubbing baby seals to death. Also, as an excuse to beat up French-Canadians. It provided Canadians something to listen to on the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation radio network [...] as at the time of the invention of hockey, all the CBC had on were Polar Bear reports, some guy named Ed the Sock, and a program about maple syrup.
While Wikiality provides a few cheap laughs, truthiness is serious business. (It is, dammit!) We all indulge in it, and those of us who love hockey do it on a daily basis as a tool of survival.
Being August 14th, one would think hockey news is at a standstill… and they’d largely be right. But hockey bloggers and fans don’t ever really shut up and there’s still plenty of trash talk and analysis going on.
Here’s a random look at the game today, from fans all around the league. From the serious to the stupid… as it should be.
Despite the lack of hockey action in Canucks land (and from me lately) there still seems to be a lot of buzz going on around this team. Nothing all that serious, but each requiring a short rant or a few smart (or not so smart) remarks.
As usual, I claim no responsibility for accuracy while discussing today’s topics.
1. John McCaw in handcuffs. (not really)
2. Brian Burke still entertains. (me, if no one else)
3. We don’t care what the new team logo is anymore. (just SHOW us and be done with it)
Wow. The middle of summer and an opportunity presents itself for me to exploit the horrors of Denver... I feel like it's hockey season already! It's not often that Deadspin nails a hockey story I care about, but geez, did they surprise me today. The back story itself presents some seriousness, but who cares; that picture is worth a thousand words of my frequently- snarky, obnoxious commentary on the subject of the Avs. From the Rocky Mountain News:
A 27-year-old man who was posing as a woman when he was arrested by Denver police during a prostitution sting has been charged with prostitution with knowledge of being infected with HIV or AIDS. Darren Garcia is being held in lieu of $50,000 bond on the felony charge. [...] Garcia climbed into the officer's car and offered to perform a sex act for $30, police said. Garcia had long hair and makeup and was wearing an Avalanche jersey, according to authorities.
About Canucks and Beyond
Alanah McGinley has been blogging hockey since 2003 (with a notable gap in time through 2010, kicking it with new baby Lucy while living knee-deep in chaos while reading "parenting for complete idiots" during every spare minute) sharing opinions, rants and not-so-deep thoughts with anyone who will listen.
In addition to writing Canucks & Beyond and helping manage Kukla's Korner, Alanah was one of the founders and co-hosts of The Crazy Canucks Podcast. She has contributed pieces to FoxSports.com and the New York Times Slapshot blog, as well as other stray destinations in cyberspace.
So that's me. Who the hell are you?
Alanah's Twitter: [@alanah1]