Above the Glass
Hockey can be a sport of uncommon grace and staggering beauty when played at its purest, highest level: think Evgeni Malkin’s no-look backhanded hat trick into the Carolina net during the 2009 playoffs. Or Jordan Eberle’s first NHL goal. Sometimes the things that make it ugly can be beautiful in their own sort of way: like Sidney Crosby dropping the mitts with Matt Niskanen. And sometimes it’s just plain ugly: like it was Thursday night in Portland, where one thing led to another and the Winterhawks fell to the Kelowna Rockets 5-1. Nobody said it was fair and nobody said it was pretty. But it got me to thinking: what if hockey rules applied to life? What if you could punch that annoying boss at work and all you got was a five minute penalty? What consequence would you suffer for getting out of the car and high sticking the turd who slips into that prime parking spot at the last minute, knowing full well you were sitting there waiting for it? If you don’t know by now, sometimes I have thoughts. And they’re way more entertaining than reality.
Now, I know playoffs are upon us and there’s still plenty of hockey to be played, but it’s never too early to prepare for the inevitable. I know this because Friday night found me on the loose in Portland with nary a hockey game to attend and I used my precious non-hockey time to plan a scintillating evening that involved a bottle of wine, pizza, chocolate peanut butter organic ice cream and the latest issue of InStyle magazine. If your answer to the Whole Foods clerk who asks “you got any fun plans tonight?” is “no, just chillin” and you front it like it’s a good thing, your sad, slow decline to the off season has already begun. Therefore, to help my fellow fans avoid the same fate, I offer an early installment of the anti-expert’s guide to surviving this most dreaded time of year.
I was attempting to cover the first home games of the WHL playoffs this weekend when I realized it was time that I learn some basics about the types of shots the Portland Winterhawks were laying down during a 7-2 victory over the Everett Silvertips in game two. I’m still trying to figure out how you know a player just made a wrist shot when his wrist is either inside his glove or under his jersey and hence you can’t see it, why you can’t top shelf a shot when you go five-hole and how players can tell when Shea Weber is about to wind up on a slapshot so they can get the heck out of the way. But I have figured out something else much more interesting: a player’s signature move can tell you a whole lot about what kind of person he is.
Clearly, the inventors of the Western Hockey League playoff format were on a class of drugs that we haven’t even heard of in the United States. And that’s just one league. The team that takes the Ed Chenowyth Cup (given to the playoff champion of the WHL) still has to negotiate a labyrinth of standings, seedings and rules that make no sense en route to the Memorial Cup. But that’s ok, because it also means that the Portland Winterhawks finished on top of their division and conference for the regular season. So I can’t really complain, but I can try to understand it. Emphasis on try.
The WHL playoffs get underway this weekend, and the NHL playoff hype machine is whirring. Now would be a good time for bears of very little playoff brain like myself to figure out how this whole deal works. Mainly: 1) What drugs were the inventors of this highly scientific system doing when they created it? 2) How much of said medication do I need to take to understand it? 3) How the heck did Tampa Bay fall out of contention for a division title? Wait, don’t answer that. I think I figured it out. Sort of.
On Saturday night, the Portland Winterhawks became the WHL’s U.S Division Champions and they finished first in the Western Conference, giving them the number one seed for the playoffs. This weekend was the key to clinching those honors. A big win against Everett kept the team in the number one spot, and it was either some magic math on Saturday or a nailbiter on Sunday that would decide things for the team. The Winterhawks did their part by beating the Seattle Thunderbirds 5-4. But for the magic math to work, the Tri-City Americans had to beat the team that was one point behind us: the Spokane Chiefs. It may be the only time Portland fans rooted for the Ams, who beat the Chiefs 6 - 4. And just like that, the Portland Winterhawks return from the road trip to Seattle as the conquering heroes. Tonight they will play the Spokane Chiefs in a sold out game to close out the regular season. But it wasn’t that long ago that the story had a very different ending. In 2009, the Winterhawks ended the season dead last in the Western Conference and the U.S. Division, with 19 wins and 48 losses. So you see, here in the Pacific Northwest this weekend was about far more than the banner that will be hung in the Memorial Coliseum for the first time since 2002.
Many thanks to Paul for connecting me with the guys over at the “War Room” on NHL Home Ice, where I literally had my 15 minutes of fame this morning. We talked about all things hockey, and I think hosts Mick Kern and Peter Berce might be bigger Winterhawks fans than I am. There is no better way to start the day than a little chat about my hometown team. I think I made some new friends in the fearless hosts, as we talked about the Winterhawks, my local prospects to watch, whether the NHL could be successful in Portland and my early bet for this year’s Stanley Cup champion.
I myself choose not to, but I was so amused and inspired by Paul’s fan email and Pierre LeBrun’s responses to his readers that I was moved to write an entry about the only thing fans love to do more than watch the sport. Sure, I’m a little perplexed by why the Edmonton Oilers, with all its young talent and Captain Cutie Pie Sean Horcoff, can’t get its act together and put together a few huge wins in a row. But if the Oilers up and moved to Portland, Oregon tomorrow I would be the first person to line up for season tickets and purchase a Jordan Eberle jersey, and I’d tell others to do the same. Maybe it’s just because I don’t live in an NHL town and you always want and appreciate what you don’t have. Or it could be because it’s just not in my nature to wig out over any sport. Which makes me wonder why so many people get so caught up and make such a simple game so complicated. Why is ranting as inherent to hockey as spitting, fighting, swearing and trash talk?
Three things to know about me: 1) I love Anze Kopitar. 2) I love him even more when he roars out of the penalty box and dekes to the forehand to score his second career hat trick. 3) I have absolutely no idea what a deke is. Therefore, now would be a good time to learn. While I’m at it, I’ll cover dangle, dipsy doodle and of course, spinorama: made famous by players named Savard, made infamous by Linus Omark.
So, to keep track; Pavel Kubina’s down for three games because he wonked Dave Bolland with an elbow, Zdeno Chara’s right back in the game for totally crushing Max Pacioretty and Sidney Crosby is in limbo for an unpenalized wonk to this upper body. Refresh me, when and how exactly does Rule 48.1 apply? Wait, don’t answer that. I’ve got it. I have a better idea. Hockey is a simple game, so I propose a simple solution to this most complicated of issues: make the punishment fit the crime.
About Above the Glass
Welcome to Above the Glass, a definitive anti-expert’s guide to hockey. I started blogging in 2009 as part of an effort to learn all 87 rules in the NHL Rulebook in 107 days before the 2010 Olympics, 30 years after I discovered the sport. You can peruse the archival results here. Growing up in Arizona, I didn’t even know hockey existed until February 22, 1980, when the USA played Russia in the Olympics. And just like that, the game of the century changed my life. I still don’t quite understand the icing rule or which faceoff circle goes with what offense, but I do know that every aspect of hockey has something to teach us about life. That’s what you’ll find here, along with my unadulterated passion for the game.
I live in Portland, Oregon, home of the WHL’s Portland Winterhawks. I invite anyone who wants to know more about hockey in the Rose City to visit here, where I blog exclusively about the Winterhawks. I’ll post an occasional musing about the Hawks, the WHL and junior hockey here as well.
Follow me on Twitter: @AbovetheGlass