Kukla's Korner

Above the Glass

I went on vacation, the NHL went shopping

I’ve learned yet another thing or two about hockey this past week. First, a lot can happen in one week: while I was off sleeping eight hours a night, every night, nibbling my way through the Public Market on Granville Island and lounging by a hotel pool, players like Max Talbot and Jaromir Jagr went to the dark side. Second, you can learn a lot from shopping in Victoria, BC and the free agent frenzy: like the fact that hockey is first and foremost a business, that Ryan Johansen likes bowling, and that NHL teams have in fact, embraced fuzzy slippers in their swag collections.

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Hello Pittsburgh, this is Portland calling

I am off for a weeklong vacation in Vancouver and Victoria (Canada Day in the BC capital + free agent frenzy all over Canadian TV. What could be better?), but before I go I wanted to leave Pittsburgh fans with a few choice tidbits about one of my favorite Portland Winterhawks, Joe Morrow. Chosen 23rd overall by the Penguins, he’s got a deadly shot from the point, a good family upbringing, an eye for the net, and he’s not afraid to start a fight now and again. And that’s just for starters.

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Who says 13 isn’t a lucky number?

The Calgary Flames chose well when they picked Portland Winterhawk Sven Bartschi 13th overall in the NHL Entry Draft. I know because I’ve spent the last season watching up close while his star rose ever higher and getting to know him off the ice. There is nobody quite like Sven; he’s one of a kind and I can assure Calgary fans that Portland’s small but mighty gift to the NHL will be worth the hype. By now, you’ve probably read the news, scanned the stats and looked up his WHL profile, so allow me to introduce you to some of the things you may not know about the Flames’ newest prize catch.

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Shiny objects all around

When I was little, my father used to pull up to the McDonald’s drive-thru window with the family unit in the car and order “Big Macs all around.” Like the poor high school student taking his order could telepathically see how many of us were in the car, and therefore he didn’t need to announce how many burgers he wanted. I don’t know why, but I remembered that when I was watching the NHL Awards on Wednesday and it made me think “awards all around.” Players, coaches and GMs get big shiny objects for everything from leadership to community service to gentlemanly play. But I noticed that nowhere does the league give out awards to the ordinary superstars who support, watch, promote and otherwise contribute to the game beyond the ice. In recognition of this unmet need, I have devised my own system of awards for the everyday people who help ensure that players and fans alike enjoy an optimal hockey experience.

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I thought they were supposed to keep it simple

The unrestricted free agency season opens on July 1, giving qualifiied players the chance to shop themselves around to the highest bidder if they haven’t been re-signed by their current team. If only it were that easy. Alas, the creators of the Collective Bargaining Agreement didn’t follow the cardinal rule of hockey: keep it simple. Take, for example, Article 10, Free Agency. Age and experience are part of how players qualify, as is the number of seasons played. Kinda like life, only we don’t have a complicated collective bargaining agreement to guarantee that we have the right to go freelance and determine our worth by something more meaningful than how many rungs of the corporate ladder we’ve climbed. But what if we did?

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Tips for surviving hockey withdrawal

I think we know what Canucks and Bruins fans will be up to this weekend. But what about the rest of us, who find ourselves smack dab in the middle of the off season with no parades or Stanley Cup celebrations to partake of? There really should be some NHL collective bargaining agreement rule that dictates Stanley Cup Final Game 7s must be played on a Friday to allow a 48-hour grace period for fans to recover and properly prepare for the off season. Since they do not, we must deal with hockey withdrawal on a weekday, whilst attempting to work, negotiate rush hour traffic and watch the morning news. I was raised to believe that there were better ways to deal with my emotions than to set cars on fire or loot the large department store where my parents used to buy me Garanimals outfits for school. Instead, I offer a few non-violent and legal tips to help fans survive the next few days and weeks with our minds and bodies intact.

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These numbers I understand

With the Stanley Cup final turning into a bit of a Twilight Zone episode, you may be pleased to know there are other hockey-related things creating buzz out here in the Pacific Northwest. In Portland, we are in full pre-draft hype mode, complete with local parties set to take place at local bowling alleys (only fitting since one of our star players, Nino Niederreiter, owns his own pair of bowling shoes). Four of our top prospects have survived the combine, even coming out on top of some of the test results. In reviewing the combine results, I realized that the boys’ results not only say something about their draft chances, they say a whole lot about who the players are. And so, on this most rare of occasions, I understand why numbers matter.

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The beauty of not taking sides

For the Stanley Cup final, I’m left to choose between two teams that I like, but am not necessarily fiercely loyal to. Because of a lost bet with my friend Mike, I have given a slight edge to the Bruins, mostly out of friendship. So truth be told, I really haven’t taken a true side in the final. There is something strange and lovely about being neutral, like sleeping at night, paying attention in meetings at work and not spilling wine all over myself and my couch when a perfectly good team blows a perfectly good scoring opportunity. There are other reasons too, and some of them started right here at home in Portland, Oregon.

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Surviving the off season, the official edition

Four of the Portland Winterhawks are dispatching to the NHL Scouting Combine this week to prove their physical fitness to their potential future employers, and it’s time for me to get it in gear, too. The off season is mere weeks away, a fear factor even scarier than getting back in shape for ugly golf pants/shorts season. You have to start slowly.  If your only exercise in the past three months is jumping up to get snacks at intermission, you can’t just declare on Sunday that you are going to get up promptly at 5 am on Monday, skip the snooze alarm, run three miles and eat a nutritious bowl of homemade granola.  With nary a hockey game to be found on Monday, I tested this out and it can be done, but I don’t recommend it. Especially if you are older than the average Winterhawk. This is why I offer some helpful suggestions and tips for fellow fans on easing your way into this most dreaded time of year. 

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Let’s do dinner

At the beginning of the Eastern Conference finals, I entered into a bet with my friend Mike about who would win. I was in for a Game 7 nailbiter in which Tampa would prevail four games to three over Boston. I was right about the games, but alas, not the team. And so it’s time for me to buy Mike dinner in Portland. It also seems an appropriate time to pause for a little trip down memory lane, back to 2009, when I knew I loved hockey but suddenly realized I didn’t really know a whole heck of a lot about it. It’s been two years since that day in the playoffs when Evgeni Malkin scored that no-look backhander into Carolina’s net that made me ask “what’s a hat trick?” Have no fear. I do know what a hat trick is, and I even figured out that icing isn’t what happens when players “snow the goalie.” It’s been a long strange trip, but it was worth it. Because now I know that everything I need to know about life can be found in a hockey rink.

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About Above the Glass

Welcome to Above the Glass, a definitive anti-expert’s guide to hockey. I started blogging in 2009 as part of an effort to learn all 87 rules in the NHL Rulebook in 107 days before the 2010 Olympics, 30 years after I discovered the sport. You can peruse the archival results here. Growing up in Arizona, I didn’t even know hockey existed until February 22, 1980, when the USA played Russia in the Olympics. And just like that, the game of the century changed my life. I still don’t quite understand the icing rule or which faceoff circle goes with what offense, but I do know that every aspect of hockey has something to teach us about life. That’s what you’ll find here, along with my unadulterated passion for the game.

I live in Portland, Oregon, home of the WHL’s Portland Winterhawks. I invite anyone who wants to know more about hockey in the Rose City to visit here, where I blog exclusively about the Winterhawks. I’ll post an occasional musing about the Hawks, the WHL and junior hockey here as well.

Follow me on Twitter: @AbovetheGlass

Email: samantha@kuklaskorner.com

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