Abel to Yzerman
by IwoCPO on 01/11/10 at 02:46 PM ET
Update at 1544: Thanks to the reader who pointed out the Kovalchuk SNAFU in the prose below. Fixed.
What. The. Faux. The guy with the ball-gag from Pulp Fiction? I thought he was confined to Denver but I was wrong. The frigging idiots are all over the place. They’re ruining my internet experience is what they’re doing. What we have is a dumbass, a cutter and paster of dumbass stuff, a Wing hater who’s even dumber and then a smart guy who’s got a contest about another dumbass.
Oh, and then there’s the other dumbass who dedicated 19 minutes to actually using the words “Wings”, “trade” and “Lidstrom” in the same paragraph. We’re going to touch on all those ditties.
Ready? Oh, I knew you would be.
Alright. Deep breath. Follow me on this one. Yes, we know Ilya Kovalchuk is probably going to be dealt. And you know what? Detroit, while not a likely destination, can’t be ruled out completely. I say that only because the Wings have the best GM in the history of hockey, and statistics back that up so don’t go all “prove it” on me. If Holland wants him, he just might get him. In all likelihood, though? Tick Tock probably feels he wouldn’t be worth the trouble.
And definitely not when we start talking like this…
Detroit Red Wings
Why they might be interested: With Johan Franzen and Valtteri Filppula still injured and Hossa playing in Chicago, Detroit’s offence has been a shell of what it was last season. Kovalchuk would definitely help spark the struggling Pavel Datsyuk or Henrik Zetterberg.
Dude. Do just a little research. Take five minutes and look at a box score. That was written on 10 January. The “still injured” Filppula played 17 minutes the night before. Pavel Datsyuk might be “struggling” but does anyone legitimately thing that’s going to last? He’s already breaking out of it. In fact, the night before Michael Traikos posted that gem, Datsyuk had a goal and a great game against the Sharks.
But…that’s not where it’s hinky. Oh no.
What they can offer: Having finished near the top of the standings for that last several years, the Red Wings do not exactly have any blue-chippers not playing in the NHL. But the team does have young forwards Darren Helm and Justin Abdelkader, and defenceman Jonathan Ericsson.
Notice the semantics there. Traikos doesn’t specifically say the Wings would deal our future, but he throws them in the next sentence. I make that distinction because while just mentioning them in that context makes Traikos a dumbass?
It doesn’t qualify him as a Grade A dumbass like the guy who grabbed it from the Post and went further on a search engine.
...the Red Wings might offer young forwards Darren Helm and Justin Abdelkader and/or defenseman Jonathan Ericsson.
Holy. Shit. Let me put it to you this way. The day the Wings trade Darren Helm is the day I quit blogging. Just mentioning that is almost as stupid as suggesting the Wings trade Nick Lidstrom.
I know. I’ll get there.
Not only has Helm turned into Herm’s lord and saviour? He’s also a legend in the making. I’m telling you right now that this kid is going to be the most popular athlete in Detroit inside of three years. He’s going exactly nowhere. To mention him…it’s just so frigging stupid. It’s borderline offensive is what it is. This Yahoo guy’s an idiot for believing the National Post story and the National Post writer is a dumbass for not contacting a Detroit beat writer or even a janitor at the Joe. Anyone of them would have told him Helm is off-limits now and forever.
And guess what? Abdelkader and Ericsson aren’t that far off from that description either. I told you and I’m going to keep telling you: those three plus Jim are the future of this team. They’re Parrish, Whitaker, Trammell and Lemon. Strength up the middle bitches.
And you know what proves these two geniuses are seriously lacking oxygen? Neither one of them, not the Post guy and not the Yahoo yahoo, breathed a frigging word about Kovalchuk’s cap hit in either of their stories. Wow. That is…seriously. That is just dumb.
The guy’s got like 3.5 left on this year. Let me help you. Cap…Geek….Dot….Com.
I’m not saying the Wings couldn’t make it work (ask Paul in Miami Beach to break it down for you, as to how it could). I’m saying to write those pieces of trash and not mention salary is an indication of meth usage and someone needs to be investigated post-haste.
Watch this. Pretend you’ve got two assholes in front of you and they’re arguing, or just debating. Talking fast. You’re watching them. Head turning from one to the other…fast. Ready? Here we go.
...he speculated if the Red Wings would “ever dare exploring offers for Nick Lidstrom.
Could the Red Wings consider trading the best defenseman they’ve ever had?
But, the Red Wings shouldn’t trade Nick Lidstrom.
Would the Detroit Red Wings ever trade Nicklas Lidstrom?
If Lidstrom became available, 29 other teams would begin figuring out a way to bring him into their system and would offer a hefty package to make it happen.
Nicklas Lidstrom is a Detroit Red Wing and will always be a Detroit Red Wing.
If I was playing Call of Duty right now I’d go all akimbo on their asses and shoot them both in the kneecaps. But see? It’s not two guys it’s just one and the only explanation for that conversation he had with himself?
He writes for the Bleacher Report. Ohhhhh. Got it.
You’re dumber now. You’re literally dumber for having read this far. But I’m not done. I’m not. I’ve got more and you’re gonna keep reading because you’re frigging sick like that.
@iwocpo Howard is a middle of the road starter. He’s no Anderson.
Man, that’s pretty dumb. Pretty. Frigging. Dumb. Statistically and in real life? Howard’s better and we’ve proven that time and again here. That statement is almost as dumb as the guy who used to troll here and claim that Kenny Holland was the league’s worst GM and he had the Powerpoint presentation to prove it, the one he did for the 2003 draft? Hah, ‘member that idiot?
aLoL (TM Tyler)....same guy.
Yep, that’s our Thommmm. We used to have fun with him here at A2Y. He’d drop in, spew some anti-Wing stuff, get massacred, sob, skulk out, then come back next time the Wings lost. Not sure where he went or why he left.
Oh…wait. I am sure, afterall. I banned his ass. Woops. I had my reasons so if you find fault with that, stick it.
Dumb people make me so sad. Now I have to find somebody smart to make me happy again.
Found him. Voox? Take it away bitch.
Under normal circumstances, the Annual Douche Canoe Ticket Contest is a playoff-only event. Since its inception we have actually seen a reduction in the number of games featuring the DC between the benches. Perhaps the powers-that-be got the memo about our contest, perhaps they actually watched some of the things our little Douche Canoe did in his little Jacketorium and decided to sink the canoe during broadcasts. Either way, the playoffs feature less DC each year of the contest.
This is no normal year.
Jobu has cursed us, the Dive are ahead of us in the standings, and Jimma H. Howard between the pipes is giving some Wings fans a religious experience.
Abnormal times call for abnormal contests.
So thanks to your prompting, Chief, Sunday’s upcoming game against the Chicken-Hawks on NBC will be The Douche Canoe Ticket Contest: Special Edition.
The rules of The Douche Canoe Ticket Contest:
1) Make a Douche Canoe sign (Must have the words “Douche Canoe” and “McGuire” on it, at least).
2) Email me at DoucheCanoe.email@example.com to give me a heads-up of your attempt and sign (will help to award the prize).
3) Get the sign behind Pierre McGuire’s head on TV during the broadcast.
4) Win a pair of tickets to a NHL game next season in Toronto.
5) Collect congratulations and gifts from hockey fans around the world.
Let’s face facts, Wings fans need something to look forward to on Sunday. Thanks to Gary. Ass, we are playing back-to-back afternoon
games this weekend. 998 miles apart. Thanks again, Gary. Ass.
So the 19 need to advertise the contest heavily this week. Yourself, the 19 spinoff blogs, even the blogs in Chicago need to tell everyone about the contest. We need someone to win this mo-faux. Now.
Get your signs ready. Sunday’s gonna be big. Aside from the contest? It’s going to be the day the Wings remind little brother not to mess with them while they’re trying to take a nap.
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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org