Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

The Offseason, The Postseason, And Signed, Sealed, And Delivered, It’s Yours, Stevie

The “Offseason” has been very long and now, for me, it is over.  Fuch you, Li’l Gary, your league didn’t get an ounce of my attention, nor a dime from my pocket this season for the first time in over two decades.  It’s time for the playoffs, the greatest annual mix of intensity and bile anywhere on the planet.  Let the men and the boys work it out on the ice this year, Bettman, no storybook screw-jobs from your office or your refs for once.  Thanks Gary.  Ass.

I am hopping back on board the Stress Train, back behind the bar, cleaning glasses, and polishing bottles just in time for the real season, the post-season.  Every good machine requires lubrication, after all, and the Stress Train is no exception.

I’m somewhere condemned; I should know better.  I could care less.  Corruption following purification.  Spending 8 months living in an isolated monastery then leaving and grabbing the first taxi to the nearest brothel, with a magnum of booze and a dozen boxes of rubbers in hand.  Chandeliers and beds broken.  No explanations.  No apologies.

I didn’t need to watch the regular season to know that the Wings would be in the playoffs.  I didn’t need to watch the regular season, or use Corsi numbers, to know how the first round of the playoffs will shake out, either.  I’m a Red Wings fans, we witnessed the most intelligent and amazing hockey for two decades, and are smarter than any other fans in hockey because of it.

If you want the most accurate playoff predictions don’t just listen to any Yahoo! on the Gore, listen to A2Y.  We’re better than any Yahoo! out there.

SPOILER ALERT:  I will now reveal exactly how the first round will finish.  Money meet bank.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
Detroit vs. Phoenix
The greatest sports franchise in the world against a team nobody wants to watch at home.  If it wasn’t apparent enough that the Wings are going to bury the Coyotes in the desert grave that their arena will become, most analysts are completely oblivious to the biggest “X-factor” in this series: the 19’s own Sully, who freelances with our friends on Helm Street about once every week. 

On the road, the Coyotes will have to survive JLA, the most intimidating arena to play on the road according to the players themselves At home, the Coyotes they will have to endure Sully who will drown out the entire 300-person Coyote fanbase in attendance all by himself.  Red Wings all the way, with a little help from Sully.  The Coyotes don’t stand a chance.

Vancouver vs. Chicago
Before the season, bookmakers were offering 3:2 odds that Chicago would win the Central Division this season.  The Wings were 6:1.  I’m not a betting man, but if I were I would have put big money on the Wings.  Let Vegas have their rent-a-Cup darlings.  Everyone else knows the truth about Li’l Gary’s second crush. 

The Hawks are a completely different team this year, and this year’s matchup between these teams will have a completely different outcome.  Vancouver will easily hand the Hawks their lunch and send them home, topless in their limos.  The Canucks are the most dangerous team in the West heading into the playoffs and will be tough to beat in any round.

San Jose vs. Los Angeles
LA underperformed this season, no doubt.  Quick struggled for a while and the team faltered.  They are still going to beat the Tuna in a long series.  San Jose lacks heart.  Expect their first line to go on vacation again these playoffs and be MIA on the scoresheet.  Don’t let the Kings’ struggles fool you, they have enough goaltending to fend off the perennial playoff farce from San Jose.

Anaheim vs. Nashville
Without Pronger, Anaheim is like an aged prizefighter.  Tough but toothless.  As Anaheim has plenty of goons to wear on any squad, Nashville will certainly be roughed up, but ultimately make it past the *ucks in a series that will once again remind us of the *ucks gameplan:  if you hack and slash all game, they can’t call everything.  Nashville be come out ahead, but barely keep their heads intact.


LEASTERN CONFERENCE
Quickly moving through series that don’t really matter to get to the one that does:

Buffalo vs. Philadelphia
Fuch Pronger Fissix.  Fuch the Flyers.  Buffalo is my neighbour, if you are against them, then fuch you too.

Washington vs. New York
Who gives a fuch?  Neither team will make it out of the second round.  Washington will win, only because the Rangers have been a joke ever since they called Messier a great leader. 

Boston vs. Montreal
Old school hate.  This will be a fun and intense series.  Too bad that the Habs are a bunch of midgets and pussies or they’d have a chance of winning the series.  Chara alone shits turds bigger than half of the Montreal squad.  Regardless of the outcome, the streets of Montreal will be on fire at the end of the series.  Fuch them.

Tampa Bay vs. Pittsburgh
My dream series.  Stevie Y.  Steven Stamkos.  Signed, sealed, and delivered, this series is theirs.
We warned Pittsburgh against spending all their cap money on four players.  Malkin’s hurt, Rosby’s bell is rung so bad all he’s doing is going around asking Gary Bettman to zerbert his belly, and the Pens have few quality wingers to speak of.  This team consists of Fleury, Staal, and whomever is playing defence well. 

Meanwhile, Tampa Bay is playing inspired hockey.  Sure, their big attack is get the puck to Stamkos for a big shot, but you can’t deny it works.  This is the year of destiny for Stevie, Steven, and the rest of the team.  Tampa Bay will be in the conference finals this year.  Count on it.

I’m back behind the bar aboard the Hasek Club Car, drinks will be flowing all post season.  I’m looking forward to the ride aboard the Stress Train, once again, with the Chief and the 19. 

Let’s Go Red Wings!!!!!

16 more to #12

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Comments

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stonehands-78's avatar

welcome back, VooX

cheese

16 to 12

L.G.R.W.

Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 04/12/11 at 03:48 PM ET

Cwix's avatar

Pass me a double whiskey, VooX, and I’ll swill it down with a PBR for the Chief. Great to have you back.

Posted by Cwix from Grand Rapids, now Chicago, IL on 04/12/11 at 03:52 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Before the season, bookmakers were offering 3:2 odds that Chicago would win the Central Division this season.  The Wings were 6:1.  I’m not a betting man, but if I were I would have put big money on the Wings.  Let Vegas have their rent-a-Cup darlings.  Everyone else knows the truth about Li’l Gary’s second crush.

Shows you how much the bookies pay attention to the NHL in the offseason, VooX.  I have too much love and respect for hockey to bet on it (unlike Pete Rose) but when I saw that they picked the Lackhawks (TM Primis) to repeat at 4/3, I chuckled loudly in my belly.  I seriously pondered putting money on their failing to repeat.

Posted by SYF from the team that re-signed KFQ and DFC by KFH on 04/12/11 at 04:07 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Welcome back Raspberry.  Bitch.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 04/12/11 at 04:11 PM ET

FranzensMouthguard's avatar

Voox, some shots of Jame-o for me and the boys at the bar here

Posted by FranzensMouthguard from Chicago, IL on 04/12/11 at 04:12 PM ET

J.J. from Kansas's avatar

Got-Damn it’s nice to have our bartender back!

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 04/12/11 at 04:19 PM ET

CaptainDennisPolonich's avatar

Wow, these milk carton things really work. Less than 24hrs after I posted the missing VooX milk carton I can now post this:

Photobucket

Welcome home, bartender

Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from The Land of Fake Boobs and Real Nuts on 04/12/11 at 04:35 PM ET

edillac's avatar

bout time someone started tending the bar

Posted by edillac from isolation on 04/12/11 at 04:36 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

Two months of relentless drinking and animal sacrfice.  I’m ready.  Hit me bartender.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 04/12/11 at 04:38 PM ET

Rumbear's avatar

Good work Cap’n.  I think I saw it on a freeway sign on the 405.

Voox you old reprobate.  I thought your lottery money would run out at some point.  Glad to have ya back behind the bar.

Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, doing the prospect shuffle.... on 04/12/11 at 04:40 PM ET

WingsFanInBeanLand's avatar

Rosby’s bell is rung so bad all he’s doing is going around asking Gary Bettman to zerbert his belly

How is that any different from before he rammed his head into Steckel’s shoulder?

Welcome back.  Bitch.

Posted by WingsFanInBeanLand from where free agents no longer dare. on 04/12/11 at 04:48 PM ET

MsRedWingFan's avatar

Tampa Bay vs. Pittsburgh
My dream series.  Stevie Y.  Steven Stamkos.  Signed, sealed, and delivered, this series is theirs.
We warned Pittsburgh against spending all their cap money on four players.  Malkin’s hurt, Rosby’s bell is rung so bad all he’s doing is going around asking Gary Bettman to zerbert his belly,

lmaooooooooooo   ... I love it

another good one as always CHIEF

Posted by MsRedWingFan from West Michigan hometown of Abdelkader on 04/12/11 at 05:10 PM ET

datsyukdanglesyou's avatar

Welcome back, barkeep.  I’ll take a SoCo double with a tall PBR right behind, keep ‘em coming til my hands aren’t shaking.  And fix yourself an Appletini while you’re at it.

LGRW.

Posted by datsyukdanglesyou on 04/12/11 at 05:20 PM ET

MarkK's avatar

VOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX

Priceless. A doubleshot of espresso with whiskey on the rocks to get me through Tuesday, please.

Posted by MarkK from Maryland on 04/12/11 at 05:25 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

Perhaps we should re-think all this talk about Todd Maclelland being the missing guru of the Red Wings’ PK.  His current team was ranked 24th in the NHL in that category.

A list of the eight Western Conference playoff teams and their PK rankings.

1. Vancouver   85.6
2. Los Angeles 85.5
3. Nashville     84.9
4. Detroit         82.3
5. Anaheim     81.3
6. San Jose     79.6
7. Chicago       79.2
8. Phoenix       78.4

Wings top 5 PP needs to take advantage of this.  If they do, this series is theirs easily.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 04/12/11 at 05:31 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

VOOX - - how the hell are you?

against a team nobody wants to watch at home

alol

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 04/12/11 at 05:34 PM ET

Forlorn in VA's avatar

VooX!  Great to see you ‘round these parts, bartender!

Posted by Forlorn in VA on 04/12/11 at 05:43 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Uncle Mike, post-practice video today.

Hank not playing in game one.

Kronner “was real good today.”

Practice, meetings, night and day between regular and post-season.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 04/12/11 at 06:24 PM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

I’m back behind the bar aboard the Hasek Club Car, drinks will be flowing all post season.  I’m looking forward to the ride aboard the Stress Train, once again, with the Chief and the 19.

Let’s Go Red Wings!!!!!

16 more to #12

We’re extremely happy to have you back VooX. It’ so hard to find a good bartender, and, especially one that can make a good Bloody Mary.

Screw the League and all that goes with it. Like you said,“16 more to #12.”

I Believe.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 04/12/11 at 06:49 PM ET

Red Winger's avatar

Welcome back, bartender. I’ll take a Crown on the rocks. Don’t stop pouring until the parade is over.

Posted by Red Winger from Sault Ste Marie on 04/12/11 at 07:17 PM ET

calquake's avatar

Welcome back Voox.

Posted by calquake on 04/12/11 at 07:17 PM ET

MOWingsfan19's avatar

VooX, I trust the bar is well stocked with Molson Canadian.
Welcome back my friend.

Posted by MOWingsfan19 from I really like our team on 04/12/11 at 07:26 PM ET

MsRedWinger's avatar

Hey, VooX - I’m new around here this season, but pleased to make your acquaintance.  I wish I could be strong enough to not give money to the NHL by buying GamecenterLive, but I just gotta watch my Wings.

Anyway, looking forward to the playoff ride.  Got any chianti?  If not, a Guinness will do.

Posted by MsRedWinger from Flori-duh on 04/12/11 at 08:11 PM ET

VooX's avatar

Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from Warm and sunny SoCal on 04/12/11 at 02:35 PM ET

Great job, Captain, I hadn’t visited A2Y in weeks and your milk carton made me laugh hard at my belly.  Thanks for that.

Any thanks to everyone else for the kind words.  I missed you bitches.

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 04/12/11 at 08:24 PM ET

dougie's avatar

Voox, finally you are BACK…....There has been a season long lack of Ween references that I am hoping you will attend to shortly.

Pour me some Jameson, bitch, and I want the 12 year old stuff.

Posted by dougie on 04/12/11 at 08:34 PM ET

RedMenace's avatar

Welcome back, VooXtastic.

Drown me with Snakebites.  I want to not be able to feel my pulse.

Posted by RedMenace from the Church of Jesus Lashoff on 04/12/11 at 08:41 PM ET

hockeychic's avatar

Hi Voox!  Good to see you back.

Posted by hockeychic from Denver, CO on 04/12/11 at 08:50 PM ET

VooX's avatar

Any = Many

I hear many requests for Jameson, good thing I added a tanker car full of it to the Stress Train.

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 04/12/11 at 08:57 PM ET

Wings_Fan_In_KC's avatar

Vooooooskie,

Welcome back, Huckleberry.

Posted by Wings_Fan_In_KC from ...somewhere southwest of The Motor City... on 04/12/11 at 09:16 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

but it will be my first among the 19 on the Hasek and I’m looking forward to it.
Thanks, Chief and thanks everyone.  I’m aboard.
Same here.  I’m ready to go!
Posted by bezukov from Wings Fan in exile: Columbus, OH on 04/12/11 at 02:27 PM ET

Enjoy your last restful night.  Tomorrow begins, for Wings fans, a two-month repetitive saga of “how many hours until the next game?”

For other fans they’ll be watching baseball scores within 96 hours.

Posted by RWBill from the open bar on The Hasek. on 04/12/11 at 09:54 PM ET

CaptainDennisPolonich's avatar

Great job, Captain, I hadn’t visited A2Y in weeks and your milk carton made me laugh hard at my belly.  Thanks for that.
Any thanks to everyone else for the kind words.  I missed you bitches.
Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 04/12/11 at 06:24 PM ET

You’re welcome, VooX. You’ve been missed around these parts.

Mt. Gay and Diet Coke, please.

Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from The Land of Fake Boobs and Real Nuts on 04/12/11 at 10:27 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

Who is this handsome couple?  They should be on Glee.

Posted by RWBill from the open bar on The Hasek. on 04/12/11 at 10:29 PM ET

PaulinMiamiBeach's avatar

so the Lightning drew the Penguins in the first round.  this will be the sweetest upset.  I might actually pay attention to more than one series in the first round for the first time evar.

Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 04/12/11 at 11:16 PM ET

Alzy's avatar

Welcome back bartender. I’ll take a double of the Captain (not that Captain, the other Captain), along with rocky mountain bearfuchers. I’m gonna have to slug down those god-awful shots to make it through the playoffs.

The Bartender and the Chief, all in one day. All is right with the world.

LET’S GO RED WINGS (exclamation point)

Posted by Alzy from Cambridge, Ontario, Canada on 04/12/11 at 11:17 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

so the Lightning drew the Penguins in the first round.  this will be the sweetest upset.

Upset?  Maybe in the eyes of the MSM, but not on board the Hasek.  We know first hand the magic that seems to accompany the leadership of one Steve Yzerman.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 04/12/11 at 11:39 PM ET

cigar_nurse's avatar

so the Lightning drew the Penguins in the first round.  this will be the sweetest upset.  I might actually pay attention to more than one series in the first round for the first time evar.

Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 04/12/11 at 09:16 PM ET

Paul , The nutless bastards won 10 games by shootout. Thats 20 points right there by Gary’s gimmick . They are mere pretenders this year and will be exposed out of the jacketorium by the Lightning very soon.

Great to have ya back Vooxie.  I’ll have a Stella silly voox play.

Posted by cigar_nurse from Greenville South Cakalakee on 04/13/11 at 12:09 AM ET

VooX's avatar

Posted by RWBill from The Hasek. All Aboard! on 04/12/11 at 08:29 PM ET

Our fine friend Osrt has claim on beautiful Sophia.  I have my own sexy academic.  Both ladies are wonderful to talk to.

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 04/13/11 at 12:13 AM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Twas the night before playoffs and all through the Car
The19 were boarding from near and from far
With visions of #12 hoisted shiny and bright
Happy playoffs to all, and to all a good night. Bitches.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 04/13/11 at 12:29 AM ET

Trish's avatar

VooX - Welcome back tarbender(!)  Grey Goose dirty please . . . .

looking forward to the ride aboard the Stress Train, once again

16 to #12.  Now boarding bitches http://www.bluejaytech.com/a2y2.html

Posted by Trish from PalmBeachCntyFL on 04/13/11 at 12:56 AM ET

HockeyTownTodd's avatar

Wings top 5 PP needs to take advantage of this.  If they do, this series is theirs easily.
Posted by WestWing

Didn’t seem to help them in Chicago….

Posted by HockeyTownTodd on 04/13/11 at 01:54 AM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com