Abel to Yzerman
by VooX on 04/12/11 at 03:30 PM ET
The “Offseason” has been very long and now, for me, it is over. Fuch you, Li’l Gary, your league didn’t get an ounce of my attention, nor a dime from my pocket this season for the first time in over two decades. It’s time for the playoffs, the greatest annual mix of intensity and bile anywhere on the planet. Let the men and the boys work it out on the ice this year, Bettman, no storybook screw-jobs from your office or your refs for once. Thanks Gary. Ass.
I am hopping back on board the Stress Train, back behind the bar, cleaning glasses, and polishing bottles just in time for the real season, the post-season. Every good machine requires lubrication, after all, and the Stress Train is no exception.
I’m somewhere condemned; I should know better. I could care less. Corruption following purification. Spending 8 months living in an isolated monastery then leaving and grabbing the first taxi to the nearest brothel, with a magnum of booze and a dozen boxes of rubbers in hand. Chandeliers and beds broken. No explanations. No apologies.
I didn’t need to watch the regular season to know that the Wings would be in the playoffs. I didn’t need to watch the regular season, or use Corsi numbers, to know how the first round of the playoffs will shake out, either. I’m a Red Wings fans, we witnessed the most intelligent and amazing hockey for two decades, and are smarter than any other fans in hockey because of it.
If you want the most accurate playoff predictions don’t just listen to any Yahoo! on the Gore, listen to A2Y. We’re better than any Yahoo! out there.
SPOILER ALERT: I will now reveal exactly how the first round will finish. Money meet bank.
Detroit vs. Phoenix
The greatest sports franchise in the world against a team nobody wants to watch at home. If it wasn’t apparent enough that the Wings are going to bury the Coyotes in the desert grave that their arena will become, most analysts are completely oblivious to the biggest “X-factor” in this series: the 19’s own Sully, who freelances with our friends on Helm Street about once every week.
On the road, the Coyotes will have to survive JLA, the most intimidating arena to play on the road according to the players themselves At home, the Coyotes they will have to endure Sully who will drown out the entire 300-person Coyote fanbase in attendance all by himself. Red Wings all the way, with a little help from Sully. The Coyotes don’t stand a chance.
Vancouver vs. Chicago
Before the season, bookmakers were offering 3:2 odds that Chicago would win the Central Division this season. The Wings were 6:1. I’m not a betting man, but if I were I would have put big money on the Wings. Let Vegas have their rent-a-Cup darlings. Everyone else knows the truth about Li’l Gary’s second crush.
The Hawks are a completely different team this year, and this year’s matchup between these teams will have a completely different outcome. Vancouver will easily hand the Hawks their lunch and send them home, topless in their limos. The Canucks are the most dangerous team in the West heading into the playoffs and will be tough to beat in any round.
San Jose vs. Los Angeles
LA underperformed this season, no doubt. Quick struggled for a while and the team faltered. They are still going to beat the Tuna in a long series. San Jose lacks heart. Expect their first line to go on vacation again these playoffs and be MIA on the scoresheet. Don’t let the Kings’ struggles fool you, they have enough goaltending to fend off the perennial playoff farce from San Jose.
Anaheim vs. Nashville
Without Pronger, Anaheim is like an aged prizefighter. Tough but toothless. As Anaheim has plenty of goons to wear on any squad, Nashville will certainly be roughed up, but ultimately make it past the *ucks in a series that will once again remind us of the *ucks gameplan: if you hack and slash all game, they can’t call everything. Nashville be come out ahead, but barely keep their heads intact.
Quickly moving through series that don’t really matter to get to the one that does:
Buffalo vs. Philadelphia
Fuch Pronger Fissix. Fuch the Flyers. Buffalo is my neighbour, if you are against them, then fuch you too.
Washington vs. New York
Who gives a fuch? Neither team will make it out of the second round. Washington will win, only because the Rangers have been a joke ever since they called Messier a great leader.
Boston vs. Montreal
Old school hate. This will be a fun and intense series. Too bad that the Habs are a bunch of midgets and pussies or they’d have a chance of winning the series. Chara alone shits turds bigger than half of the Montreal squad. Regardless of the outcome, the streets of Montreal will be on fire at the end of the series. Fuch them.
Tampa Bay vs. Pittsburgh
My dream series. Stevie Y. Steven Stamkos. Signed, sealed, and delivered, this series is theirs.
We warned Pittsburgh against spending all their cap money on four players. Malkin’s hurt, Rosby’s bell is rung so bad all he’s doing is going around asking Gary Bettman to zerbert his belly, and the Pens have few quality wingers to speak of. This team consists of Fleury, Staal, and whomever is playing defence well.
Meanwhile, Tampa Bay is playing inspired hockey. Sure, their big attack is get the puck to Stamkos for a big shot, but you can’t deny it works. This is the year of destiny for Stevie, Steven, and the rest of the team. Tampa Bay will be in the conference finals this year. Count on it.
I’m back behind the bar aboard the Hasek Club Car, drinks will be flowing all post season. I’m looking forward to the ride aboard the Stress Train, once again, with the Chief and the 19.
Let’s Go Red Wings!!!!!
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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org