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Abel to Yzerman

That Is One Grand Ass

1000’s a nice round number.  A hefty ditty to point to for anyone, really.  But when you consider the abuse that’s accompanied all 1000 games Tomas Holmstrom’s played in a Red Wing uniform, it’s astounding.

Our boy Homer was, to beckon Bullet Bob, a little too tall and he could have used a few pounds when he first came up.  He couldn’t skate, couldn’t shoot, definitely couldn’t play a lick of defense.  But he had something and the greatest hockey mind in the history of the greatest game ever ruined by a leather-clad ball in the mouth dwarf saw it.  Oh, we’ve read and we assume how badly Scott Bowman tormented our linguistically challenged mucker.  But none of us will really ever know because to guess what went on in either of those minds, or in that room is just silly.  We’ll never know.

So we’ve only been able to judge Homer by what we’ve seen.  And we’ve seen plenty.  We’ve seen enough to know that 1000 is a paltry number when you consider that in each one of those games he’s taken at least twenty chops to the shins, twenty more to the calves, twenty to the lower back and more than a few to the bad places, just on the power play alone.  And that’s all we’re gonna say about the power play right now.

We know he’s been targeted by the likes of a Sasquatch physics major, a sociopathic freak show in Dallas who allegedly offered Homer 1 Billion dollars to just please for the sake of Christ get that ass out of his face for one single solitary minute. And when it was clear to Psycho Ed Belfour that the ass wasn’t going anywhere, he’d wait for that perfect moment.  Stick in place, hovering, waiting. Then a ferocious lift to a Swedish sack.  But no matter how many times Belfour went Swedish yam hunting, there was Homer. Right back in front, Ass in place. 

Overrated dicks like Derian Hatcher and Hal Gill and Adam Foote slashed every bit of him. Butchered him. Blasted him. And simply couldn’t move him because Homer’s just too damn stubborn. Not only does he possess a magnificent ass, the ass of asses, a piece of Swedish ass millions would kill for. But he’s also…an ass.  A stubborn donkey of a son of a bitch who’s refused to yield for 1000 games.

Somebody’s out there. One of you maybe. Someone’s counted them…the number of goals Gary Bettman has stolen from the Red Wings because Tomas Holmstrom wears Red and White.  Hundreds.  Replays haven’t been kind to Toby Tyler, boy commish, over the years.  The replays have continued to exonerate our Swedish Ass.  His skates have been clear of the blue so many times that the frustration on our part has turned to seething resignation.  Screwing Homer has been a Bettman-mandated pastime for officials for so long that it’s just accepted.  But there he stayed.  Just outside the blue stuff, tempting fate every shift. 

And you’d think at some point, at game 6 or 7 or 8 hundred, somebody would have pulled that bastard aside and said enough’s enough Homer. Enough of the abuse.  Enough wood to the back, the calves, the ankles, nuts and shins.  Rest easy big fella.  Well, if anyone said it Homer wasn’t listening or, more likely, he just didn’t understand what the Hell they were saying. 

There’s no way anyone in hockey history has taken the amount and the ferocity of abuse Tomas Holmstrom has.  But, out he came, almost every game, every fourth shift, playing for the most magnificent pro sports team in the world.

By my estimation, we’ve live blogged about 600 games that featured the greatest Ass in Red Wing history.  Sorry Karen, but it’s true. 

And tonite’s 1000.  An amazing accomplishment for any man.  A frigging miracle when you consider the toll each game has taken on his body.

Here’s to Homer.  It’s a Live Blog, bitches.

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Comments

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SYF's avatar

Hola, Master Chief.  Raising a Modelo Negra Especial to you, your shipmates, and the mission you’ve been tasked to successful completion.  Salud.

Yes, it’s Homer - he of the gargantuan Swedish meatball-farting ass - in his 1,000th career game for the Wings.  He will be joining some seriously elite company.  A superb career unlike any other in NHL history.

Oh, and that troglodyte Dan O’Halloran is officiating tonight’s game.  Who else but a midget shrew of a commish’s favorite yams to call Homer’s 1,000th game.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 07:44 PM ET

MOWingsfan19's avatar

There may be a player named The Mule on the Wings, but he’s got nothing on Homers determination and stubborn demeanor.
Pure awesomeness for Homer to hit 1000 (and counting) games since he was supposed to have been sent home in ‘96.

Posted by MOWingsfan19 from I really like our team on 02/10/12 at 07:52 PM ET

HockeyFanOhio's avatar

Holmstrom is definitely an under appreciated player by many people.  Without many of the flashy skills that get you in the headlines and replays on the NHL Network he has become an integral part of the Red Wings team.  A lot of people, Wings fans included, won’t realize it until Holmer retires.  And the amount of crap he puts up with from other teams and officials if amazing, if disgusting at the same time.  So, enjoy the milestone old man.  And here’s the a lot more games.

Posted by HockeyFanOhio from Central Ohio on 02/10/12 at 08:05 PM ET

CRoy's avatar

Man I tell you what, I know they are not going to retire the jerseys of the likes of the Grind Line and Homer, but they sure as hell need to set up something in the Joe and/or the new arena to pay tribute to these guys.. Red Wing warriors. In a town like Detroit, we love guys like these sometimes more than we love superstars, hell ask Fedorov.. It just needs to be done in a big way.

Posted by CRoy from Redford MI on 02/10/12 at 08:09 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Man I tell you what, I know they are not going to retire the jerseys of the likes of the Grind Line and Homer, but they sure as hell need to set up something in the Joe and/or the new arena to pay tribute to these guys.. Red Wing warriors. In a town like Detroit, we love guys like these sometimes more than we love superstars, hell ask Fedorov.. It just needs to be done in a big way.

Posted by CRoy from Redford MI on 02/10/12 at 06:09 PM ET

Word.  Something like a Red Wings Hall of Honor would be perfect.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 08:12 PM ET

42jeff's avatar

Word.  Something like a Red Wings Hall of Honor would be perfect.

Posted by SYF from a “Bron-Y-Aur Stomp” on 02/10/12 at 06:12 PM ET

Or maybe a trainer table, hot tub and a giant empty case of Motrin.

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/10/12 at 08:17 PM ET

monkey's avatar

Or maybe a trainer table, hot tub and a giant empty case of Motrin.

A place where fans can find out what a cortisone shot feels like.

Posted by monkey from Praha, Česká republika on 02/10/12 at 08:18 PM ET

monkey's avatar

Good evening, bitches.

Posted by monkey from Praha, Česká republika on 02/10/12 at 08:19 PM ET

RorSchach's avatar

Word.  Something like a Red Wings Hall of Honor would be perfect.

Posted by SYF from a “Bron-Y-Aur Stomp” on 02/10/12 at 06:12 PM ET

Hall of Honor works, too!

Posted by RorSchach from Datsberg on 02/10/12 at 08:21 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Here’s to Homer.

Indeed, and very well put Sailor.  Stay safe, and smooth seas.

Hi, bitches.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 08:27 PM ET

CRoy's avatar

personally I’d like to see a list of numbers…I’m stretching here but like they have at Comerica Park, painted somewhere visible to the cameras and fans during the game. Warriors Corner.. It would be a hell of a message to other guys like Helm that you could get some life long affirmation from working your ass off.

Posted by CRoy from Redford MI on 02/10/12 at 08:30 PM ET

CRoy's avatar

number with names.. not retired, but recognized.

Posted by CRoy from Redford MI on 02/10/12 at 08:31 PM ET

monkey's avatar

Or maybe a trainer table, hot tub and a giant empty case of Motrin.

Just imagine - a 3D interactive Homer experience.  Fans can get cross checked by Chris Pronger, et al, while referees wander by oblivious.  Yambags can be speared by Eddie Belfour while coaches tell you the waiver wire is lonely.  Afterwards you can get an ice bath in a rusty bucket while eating a dinner of nails, toothpicks, and dynamite.  All while speaking gibberish and grinning like some homicidal freak.

Posted by monkey from Praha, Česká republika on 02/10/12 at 08:31 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Good evening, bitches.

Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 02/10/12 at 06:19 PM ET

“first thou shalt take out Homer’s Holy Ass. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count. Neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Homer’s Holy Ass Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 08:33 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Homer story on NHL.com:

“Wow ... 1,000 regular-season games,” said Holmstrom, whom Detroit selected in the 10th round with the 247th pick of the 1994 Entry Draft. “It’s a big honor to put on that Red Wings jersey. I’m fortunate. It’s been a great run and has been so much fun. Time goes by so fast.

There’s [27] games left and it’s going to hit you in the face ... and then playoffs. I know there wasn’t that many [who’d played 1,000 games for the Wings], but, yeah ... for sure, what an honor.”

for sure, Homer.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 08:33 PM ET

CRoy's avatar

Some people have Shaekespear…
I have this..

Just imagine - a 3D interactive Homer experience.  Fans can get cross checked by Chris Pronger, et al, while referees wander by oblivious.  Yambags can be speared by Eddie Belfour while coaches tell you the waiver wire is lonely.  Afterwards you can get an ice bath in a rusty bucket while eating a dinner of nails, toothpicks, and dynamite.  All while speaking gibberish and grinning like some homicidal freak.

poetic.

Posted by CRoy from Redford MI on 02/10/12 at 08:38 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Or maybe a trainer table, hot tub and a giant empty case of Motrin.

Posted by 42jeff from Minot, North Dakota on 02/10/12 at 06:17 PM ET

Officer Franklin: [to a group of schoolchildren] Ok, kids, you’re in for a real treat today. These gentlemen have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect… Now, there’s two ways to use a stun gun: up close and personal
[tasers Stu in the neck; Stu collapses]
Officer Franklin: ... or you can shoot it from a distance. Now, do I have any volunteers? You want to come up here and do some shooting, huh? Alright. How about you, young lady? Come on up here.
Officer Franklin: Alright. Let’s go, handsome. Come on.
[Alan steps forward]
Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus. Slide it on back.
[to Phil]
Officer Franklin: You, pretty boy.
Officer Franklin: [to girl] Alright. Now, it’s real simple. All you got to do is point, aim and shoot. Alright?
Phil Wenneck: You don’t really want to do this.
Officer Franklin: You can do this. Just focus.
Phil Wenneck: Don’t listen to this maniac. Let’s think this thing through.
Officer Franklin: *Finish him!*
[the girl tasers Phil]
Officer Franklin: Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done! Giver her a hand, everybody. Good job! Well done! Good job! That was great!
Officer Franklin: Look, hey, we got one more charge left. Anybody want to do some shooting up here? How about you, big man? Come on up here. Okay, same instructions: just point, aim and shoot. There y’go. That’s the stuff. I like the intensity, eye of the tiger. You’re holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don’t be afraid to ride the lightning.
[the kid tasers Alan]
Officer Franklin: *In the face! In the face!*

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 08:54 PM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Not only does he possess a magnificent ass, the ass of asses, a piece of Swedish ass millions would kill for. But he’s also…an ass.  A stubborn donkey of a son of a bitch who’s refused to yield for 1000 games.

Here’s to Homer.  It’s a Live Blog, bitches.

Evenin’ Bitches. Wonderful tribute, Master Chief.

To the most magnificent ASS in all of hockey! I Love Homer!

Let’s Roll.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/10/12 at 08:58 PM ET

RorSchach's avatar

Posted by SYF from a “Bron-Y-Aur Stomp” on 02/10/12 at 06:54 PM ET

ROFL.

Posted by RorSchach from Datsberg on 02/10/12 at 09:00 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Can this possibly be right?

The Red Wings have not allowed a goal in a 5-on-3 penalty kill situation all season.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 09:04 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Holland just said on NHL channel that JFN may play Tuesday, if not likely Friday against NSH.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 09:07 PM ET

Behind_Enemy_Lines's avatar

Well said Master Chief.
Congrats Homer, you evil chipmunk. LGRW
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbgv587ooNM

Posted by Behind_Enemy_Lines from Evanston,IL on 02/10/12 at 09:09 PM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Red Wings love on On The Fly.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/10/12 at 09:10 PM ET

w2j2's avatar

Well said, Chief!
Hockey “fans” the world over have no idea of how important Homer has been to the Wings…....
...........but…......
19 of us do, “for sure”
.......................
As a guy who has spent his life appreciating a “nice @sh”,
I must say that I value Homer’s more than any but my own!
..................................
I wonder if ‘best buds’ Homer and Lidstrom plan to retire together?

Posted by w2j2 on 02/10/12 at 09:11 PM ET

SYF's avatar

FSD Feed.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 09:11 PM ET

Behind_Enemy_Lines's avatar

13 > 10. Let’s see round 2.

Posted by Behind_Enemy_Lines from Evanston,IL on 02/10/12 at 09:15 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

the greatest Ass in Red Wing history.  Sorry Karen, but it’s true.
Here’s to Homer.  It’s a Live Blog, bitches.

My cat is no match.

Nor a group of Moslims.

But Karen does have that look.  THAT look! OMG.

Posted by RWBill from Brush Street cruising with Super Creepy Rob Lowe. on 02/10/12 at 09:16 PM ET

Behind_Enemy_Lines's avatar

Posted by RWBill from the Land of 12 in 12. on 02/10/12 at 07:16 PM ET

hahahaha

Posted by Behind_Enemy_Lines from Evanston,IL on 02/10/12 at 09:18 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

I took that picture at least a year ago and used it before, but I just now realized you can see my cat’s face in the picture.  I’ve been too enthralled with his anus.

Posted by RWBill from Brush Street cruising with Super Creepy Rob Lowe. on 02/10/12 at 09:21 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Uncle Mike just said that Homer’s accomplishments are skill based, but… fire based.  Fuching awesome!


Oh yeah, evening bitches.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 09:23 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

“aren’t skill based”

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 09:25 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Oh yeah, evening bitches.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Land of Ice and Snow on 02/10/12 at 07:23 PM ET


oh hai dar.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 09:27 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

I bought a case of of bud light platinum and invited a homeless man over.  Gonna be a party.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 09:29 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

Evening 19.  A toast to Homer’s ass!

LOL @ shiny metal ass.  Go get ‘em Bender!

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/10/12 at 09:29 PM ET

bezukov's avatar

I bought a case of of bud light platinum and invited a homeless man over.  Gonna be a party.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Land of Ice and Snow on 02/10/12 at 07:29 PM ET

So you’re putting the beer through a second filtration process?  I respect your dedication sir.

Whats up bitches?  LGRW.

Ughh… NHLnet picked up the game tonight… if I get stuck watching the Ducks broadcast I’m gonna go on a rampage.

Posted by bezukov from the kids are alright. on 02/10/12 at 09:34 PM ET

TheRealYooper's avatar

Half a league, half a league,
  Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.
‘Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns’ he said:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

game on bitches.

=====

pregame song being sung.

Posted by TheRealYooper from within sight of the edge of the Earth. on 02/10/12 at 09:36 PM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

NHL Network sucks. Thanks Gary. Ass.(not in a good way)

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/10/12 at 09:37 PM ET

cigar_nurse's avatar

Here’s To Homer the poster child of the 19. Get a nice allowed and disallowed goals. One for your wingman TPH too.

Posted by cigar_nurse from Greenville South Cakalakee on 02/10/12 at 09:38 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Shoulda let Homer take the draw.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 09:38 PM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Mickey and Ken broadcast. I missed the Wink.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/10/12 at 09:38 PM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com