Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

Our Iron-Chinned Intern Is Keeping His Death-Stare On The Prize

Uncle Mike is not to be trifled with.  Ask Joel Quenneville.  I'd send you to Bruce Boudreau but he is still eating his feelings and can't speak between bites of ice-cream covered corndogs.  While Babcock continues to strike fear into his opponents, it was not always that way.

At least that's what George tells us:

During the second intermission of a playoff game in 2002, Holland recalled Babcock telling him he wanted to be the next coach of the Red Wings.

"I don't hire interns,'' Holland said he told Babcock. "The next year, he knocked us out of the playoffs."

If you aren't aware of the political machinations of a corporation, "I don't hire interns." is the equivalent to "Shut your whore mouth." around here, and I can dig it.

In that moment of absolute heartbreak Uncle Mike realized something that has stuck with him since.  The sweet baby Jesus does not let you join the greatest sports Organ-I-zation in the world without being worthy.  Only by showing the competitive fire necessary for the relentless and continuous drive to win the Cup every season does one become a Red Wing, much less lead them.

More Uncle Mike, via George:

"When you put on our sweater, there's an obligation to Mr. Howe and Mr. Lindsay and the people that came before you to compete like a Red Wing."

There is a different standard in Hockeytown.  A higher standard filled with hookers, puppies, and firetrucks with a metric tonne of banners hanging from the rafters.  Speaking of rafters, news out of Denver is that the Dive have just retired Seth Jones' number in anticipation of his being drafted this summer.

Here at A2Y we also have interns.  Fresh and bubbly coeds wearing halter-tops and skirts that are mere rumours fill our corridors ensuring that the Chief's belly gets rubbed and that all mail from Gary Bettman or Mario Lemieux gets screened for anthrax.  They stick around brimming with optimism for the future, an optimism crushed as soon as they realize the only promotions around here get you from belly-rubber to grape-feeder.  So the coeds leave broken and disappointed despairing that this world is nothing but a cruel joke.  Sometimes we run into them again and leave them a dollar tip (either on the table or in their g-string depending upon where we find them) but usually we just replace them with the next eager halter-top willing to work for leftover cheddar cheese and warm PBR.

Sometimes an intern stands out.  When we say "Shut your whore mouth," they say, "After you, bitch."  Those are the ones that have the most potential.  Like our Uncle Mike.  He gets stomped on and decided to fight back to seek his revenge and prove his worth.

Instead of letting doubt and despair creep into his head and cause his mental unraveling, Uncle Mike worked harder.  He studied films and developed game plans never forgetting how Holland put him in his place.  Babcock used that competitive fire to make us very sad in 2003 after only four games.  Today our Uncle Mike harnesses that same competitive spirit with the Wings never allowing his team a moment of respite.  The skate belongs stomping on the throat.  Anything less is failure.  Ask Bobby Lang or Ian White.

No other sports Organ-I-zation sets the bar so high.  Whether or not they are expected to contend for the Cup, like this season, the Wings are expected to cry tears of blood, like The Captain did, in order to sustain The Dynasty and the 19.  The same intensity is lacking elsewhere in the NHL.  No other teams are as battle-hardened as the Wings from the top down.

Certainly not Twenty-Cent, who is still haunted by his mother and cannot focus on the job at hand.  Nevermind Toes who Zetterman has made his bitch, nor Quenneville who is seeking counselling for being abused by Babcock the past two games.

The Chickenhawks have never experienced this adversity and it shows.  They are falling apart, their fans abandoning the bandwagon, and even Li'l Gary's refs haven't been able to help them out of the hole they've dug themselves.  In Chicago they are blaming their goaltender, their coach, their Craptain, and their Hossa for their shortcomings.  Nobody, especially the NBC crew, wants to admit that while the Wings are not as talented (nor is Datsyuk) as the Hawks, that the Wings are still the better team.  Teams win Cups, individual talents do not.

Of course that may just be a matter of perspective and the adorable eight-pounder knows we certainly have our own around here.  At Second City Hockey they give every game the full TheLinkGoesHere treatment with charts and Corsi and stuff that only a pharmacist would understand.  Which is why I am having a tough time understanding their stats.

According to Corsi, Zetterman was a -15 while Toes was a +17 last game.  A clearly dominant performance by Toes... until you watch the game and know that while Toes may be a +17, he cries like a +10 year-old when faced with adversity.  Just like he is about to face tonight, again, with Zetterman giving more lessons in how to shut down a little boy in a man's game.

So forget the stats, forget the standings, all that matters is this game.  It's 10 to 12, bitches, and the Stress Train is rolling all night long.

Let's Go Red Wings.  Burn.  This.  Conference.  Down.

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Comments

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SYF's avatar

Depending on your bartender for the night, you can get the strips of bacon.  Otherwise, it’s a bacon-infused vodka strained through ice and served with bacon bits in the bottom of the martini glass.

That foie gras martini?  Y’all better have some iron constitution because I’m…[shivers]...

Posted by SYF from The Revenge of Johnny E on 05/23/13 at 05:50 PM ET

HockeytownOverhaul's avatar

That was a martini?  I thought it was dessert?!


HD has it on good authority, though, that I’m illiterate.  He’s not far off base either, how I got a TS clearance, I have NO idea.  Especially after my obsession with Russians.. five in particular

Posted by HockeytownOverhaul on 05/23/13 at 05:53 PM ET

bezukov's avatar

five in particular

Posted by HockeytownOverhaul on 05/23/13 at 06:53 PM ET

Pussy Riot?

Posted by bezukov from the kids are alright. on 05/23/13 at 06:00 PM ET

HockeytownOverhaul's avatar

Pussy Riot?
   
Posted by bezukov from the kids are alright. on 05/23/13 at 07:00 PM ET

Yes please

Posted by HockeytownOverhaul on 05/23/13 at 06:01 PM ET

VooX's avatar

All things said, Corsi is as good a stat as any for people who know what they’re doing with it. For people who don’t know what they’re talking about, it’s as useful as a dictionary in the hands of a Blues fan.
Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 05/23/13 at 06:49 PM ET

I understand CSSI far more than I ever will understand or care about Corsi.

Also, tell your blogs’ signmakers about the Douche Canoe Ticket Contest.  It runs all playoffs and now includes the regular season. The prize is now a pair of tickets to both a Leafs game and the HHOF.

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 05/23/13 at 06:02 PM ET

MsRedWinger's avatar

Corsi…. that’s one of those words in life… you know the one’s that make you stop listening when you hear them used seriously….

Posted by bezukov from the kids are alright. on 05/23/13 at 06:49 PM ET

I’m with you on this, bezukov.

Posted by MsRedWinger from Flori-duh on 05/23/13 at 06:04 PM ET

Trish's avatar

my obsession with Russians.. five in particular

Posted by HockeytownOverhaul on 05/23/13 at 06:53 PM ET

Pussy Riot?

Posted by bezukov

Well, I was thinkin these guys, but I could be wrong . . . .?

Posted by Trish from Tampa/Clearwater FL on 05/23/13 at 06:04 PM ET

MsRedWinger's avatar

No LB for me again tonight.  The Wings have won the last two games without me in here, so…

No Jink (as Kate would say).

I’ll be curled up in a corner of my couch watching with the Mute button pressed except when the Wings score, which I hope is at least 3 times.

LET’S GO RED WINGS !!!!!

Posted by MsRedWinger from Flori-duh on 05/23/13 at 06:08 PM ET

HockeytownOverhaul's avatar

Posted by
     
    MsRedWinger
     
    from Flori-duh on 05/23/13 at 07:08 PM ET


LoL that’s why I stopped coming in here during the game.  Try not to, sometimes it’s too hard not to during intermission but seems everytime I log into the LB and post, the other teams scores.. like immediately.. everytime.  So now it’s only during intermissions.

Posted by HockeytownOverhaul on 05/23/13 at 06:10 PM ET

bezukov's avatar

LOL I don’t even know if there are five people in Pussy Riot….

Do yall remember this ditty?

You’re welcome.  I think.

Posted by bezukov from the kids are alright. on 05/23/13 at 06:10 PM ET

bezukov's avatar

Posted by Trish from PalmBeachCntyFL on 05/23/13 at 07:04 PM ET

Just looking at that picture….

...If Vladdie and Fetisov had a child, I think it would look like Larry Murphy.

Posted by bezukov from the kids are alright. on 05/23/13 at 06:12 PM ET

dougie's avatar

Well, I was thinkin these guys, but I could be wrong . . . .?

Those were the five that made me a Wings fan, and a Scotty Bowman fan. Being from the South, hockey was what we flushed down the toilet. Then they called off the World Series in ‘94, and turned a lifelong basefall fan into a hockey watcher.

I watched a couple of seasons, and decided any coach that had the sack to put 5 Russians on the ice at once was my kind of guy. A Red Wing bandwagoner was born.

But then, I always pulled for the “Russians” at rasslin’ matches.

Posted by dougie on 05/23/13 at 06:15 PM ET

Rumbear's avatar

Crap….I just realized this game starts at 5:00 PM….hope I have not peaked to soon.  Gonna have to re apportion the rum reserves. No panic though, I am a professional.

Foi gras Martini?....shudder…..

Maybe MO could come up with a Venison Martini.

Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, with 3 fingers of rum & a cigar.. on 05/23/13 at 06:17 PM ET

Trish's avatar

Foi gras Martini?....shudder…..  Maybe MO could come up with a Venison Martini.

Posted by Rumbear

I’m wichew Rummie. 

Where’s that tarbender?  KetelOne dirty, 2 olives plz.

Posted by Trish from Tampa/Clearwater FL on 05/23/13 at 06:21 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Maybe MO could come up with a Venison Martini.

Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, SCP Round #2….whore style on 05/23/13 at

Aww c’mon, man…

Don’t be teasing.

Posted by SYF from The Revenge of Johnny E on 05/23/13 at 06:22 PM ET

PaulinMiamiBeach's avatar

I really wish Yzerman weren’t involved with another team.  this would be the PERFECT moment for him to walk through the locker room door.

Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 05/23/13 at 06:24 PM ET

PaulinMiamiBeach's avatar

any coach that had the sack to put 5 Russians on the ice at once was my kind of guy

the way I heard the story, they asked to show him what they could do…then they skated around the ice not letting anyone else have the puck for a while.  Bowman was sold (how could anyone not be?) and puck-possession hockey was born.

Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 05/23/13 at 06:27 PM ET

Norskirama's avatar

Getting ready to head home from work and meet up with you bitches at home.  Oh Bartender..Any chance you can have my Bombay Sapphire Martini, straight up, very cold and very dry with a big fat olive ready for me when I walk through the door?  Thank you, I knew you could!

Posted by Norskirama from Lincoln, Nebraska on 05/23/13 at 06:28 PM ET

Trish's avatar

I really wish Yzerman weren’t involved with another team.  this would be the PERFECT moment for him to walk through the locker room door.

Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach

He’s with us in spirit, doncha think Paul ?

Posted by Trish from Tampa/Clearwater FL on 05/23/13 at 06:29 PM ET

Norskirama's avatar

Posted by Trish from PalmBeachCntyFL on 05/23/13 at 07:29 PM ET

Oh Trish!  This is a keeper!

Posted by Norskirama from Lincoln, Nebraska on 05/23/13 at 06:30 PM ET

PaulinMiamiBeach's avatar

that is an awesome pic, Trish

I’m redoing my guest bathroom in red and white, and have a Red Wings wallpaper border to put up…I need some pics to frame and hang grin

Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 05/23/13 at 06:31 PM ET

J.J. from Kansas's avatar

Also, tell your blogs’ signmakers about the Douche Canoe Ticket Contest.  It runs all playoffs and now includes the regular season. The prize is now a pair of tickets to both a Leafs game and the HHOF.

I know the first guy knew. Have to be careful about making sure they know how to disguise it because security will definitely stop that.

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 05/23/13 at 06:34 PM ET

CaptainDennisPolonich's avatar

It’s 4:40 pm. I’ve already polished off uno dos equis. Why hasn’t the game started?

Must. Win. Game.

Let’s Go Red Wings!!

Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from The Land of Fake Boobs and Real Nuts on 05/23/13 at 06:40 PM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Thanks VooX. For the in between the GDT and LB spirits.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 05/23/13 at 06:42 PM ET

CaptainDennisPolonich's avatar

Crap….I just realized this game starts at 5:00 PM….hope I have not peaked to soon.


Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, SCP Round #2….whore style on 05/23/13 at 07:17 PM

That explains why there are blue shirts on my TV. Time for dos dos equis

Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from The Land of Fake Boobs and Real Nuts on 05/23/13 at 06:42 PM ET

PaulinMiamiBeach's avatar

Have to be careful about making sure they know how to disguise it because security will definitely stop that.

two pieces of construction paper, with benign messages written on each, taped back to back, with the Douche Canoe on the inside.  separate during the game and VOILA!

Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 05/23/13 at 06:42 PM ET

Trish's avatar

Milbury says Kronner & E are not regular Swedes - they’re Vikings.  Pretty observant considering the source.

LGRW

Posted by Trish from Tampa/Clearwater FL on 05/23/13 at 06:53 PM ET

Tony Perkis's avatar

I almost pulled my hair out in game 1 when Cleary didn’t shoot/take it in on Crawford/deke/do anything, but he’s playing playoff puck now and things seem to being pretty, pretty good for that line. Good for him. I’m feeling a big-time Dannny *#$%@& Cleary goal tonight.

Not sure if you guys/gals ever watched the Dany *#$%@& Heatley All Star videos on youtube, but if you want to laugh, check em out.

Posted by Tony Perkis from Drinking at Robert's Lounge with Billy Batts on 05/23/13 at 06:57 PM ET

HockeytownOverhaul's avatar

Posted by
     
    PaulinMiamiBeach
     
      on 05/23/13 at 07:42 PM ET

write it on your body and rush the glass while he’s leaning in to smell the seaty hair of whatever non-wing he’s trying to talk into going out.

Posted by HockeytownOverhaul on 05/23/13 at 07:00 PM ET

Tony Perkis's avatar

Good point Trish. I do like Milbury because he makes me laugh (I lost it when I saw him mercilessly rip Ovechkin live), but he’s basically a less-loud version of Don Cherry (he makes me laugh too).

Posted by Tony Perkis from Drinking at Robert's Lounge with Billy Batts on 05/23/13 at 07:02 PM ET

Trish's avatar

Kronner & E are not regular Swedes - they’re Vikings.

But this Viking looks like Flip to me - were there Finnish Vikings ?

LGRW

Posted by Trish from Tampa/Clearwater FL on 05/23/13 at 07:14 PM ET

stonehands-78's avatar

James

Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 05/23/13 at 07:31 PM ET

stonehands-78's avatar

have a seat Shaw.

smile

Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 05/23/13 at 07:33 PM ET

stonehands-78's avatar

oops

wrong post

too excited ... now back to the LB

L.G.R.W.

Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 05/23/13 at 07:34 PM ET

Avatar

Subtle Interference. 

Everyone have a drink!

Posted by maltby18 on 05/23/13 at 07:34 PM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com