Abel to Yzerman
by IwoCPO on 11/04/11 at 03:46 PM ET
I get it. And I understand. I’m going to the two groups of people who would be the least likely to lend me a hand in times of need. After all these years of animosity on my part, and outright hatred on yours; I’m looking for a handout. I’m looking for some assistance and I can’t guarantee I’ll return the favor.
In fact, I’m sure I won’t. But you have the opportunity to take the high road here and lend a hand with no expectation of payment in kind.
I need, and it’s hard for me to say this…I need to know how to blog about a team that, well, sucks.
Oh god I know. I know. It seems patronizing, but it really isn’t. I’m sincerely at a loss here. My team, and you know who it is, has scored six goals in six games. Our best two-way forward went 2-14 on faceoffs last night. Our fiery coach has turned into gentle soul and my fellow fans are on the verge of mass self-urination. I’m pretty sure that last part’s already begun.
I’ve been blogging for five years about a team so dominant, so frigging awesome, so consistently amazing…that I’m now at a loss for words. Sure, the losses have been there. Playoff losses. Stanley Cup Finals losses. Losses to rivals and even the rare losses to garbage teams like yours. But never, not a single time, have I ever had to write from a position of such overwhelming pessimism.
And I know you have. Not just occasionally, but almost every day. I respect it. I’ve read your stuff for years and I even re-read much of it this morning. My problem, though, is that I just can’t replicate it. I can’t muster the negativity required to blog about a team that appears to be so bad.
So here’s the thing. I’m just asking for some advice. And it’s going to be a short-term thing because there’s no way this shit storm is going to last. So don’t think we have to turn into allies or anything, just temporary BFFs until my team—and you know who it is—rights itself. No more than a week. Seriously.
Here we go…
Our team has lost six games in a row. Six. It’s disgusting. For years, we’ve been able to point to reasons for sadness. The commissioner despises our team. The referees have a league-mandated agenda. Injuries at the worst possible time. But we’re healthy. The officiating is still terrible, but it’s not the reason our team is losing. The commissioner, while undoubtedly enjoying this, really can’t be blamed for anything other than being an incompetent dwarf. It’s very simply bad hockey.
They’re playing very bad hockey. So…am I supposed to cave and start looking at next year’s draft? Do we create some gimmick to take our minds off the current state of ___________ hockey? Maybe we start counting down jersey numbers in the middle of November, or coming up with a fu** St. Louis campaign that we can use as the autosignatures on the emails we send to our kids’ elementary school teachers telling them our third graders can’t come to school on Tuesday because they’re voting for the first time that morning?
Do we just start lifting weights to make us feel more alive?
Our team lost to a very bad Calgary team the other night. By my count, your teams have lost to very bad teams more than fifty times—combined—over the last calendar year. We’ve lost to Minnesota twice, while scoring one goal in each game. We lost to Columbus, their first win of the year. Washington blew us out, and they’re not nearly as good as their record would indicate. San Jose, the team you’d think our team would want to beat the worst, owned us like we’ve owned you for decades.
We have no idea how we’re supposed to react. I have no idea what I’m supposed to write. It’s troublesome.
Bad hockey is one thing. Slumps are slumps. Trends can be fixed. But, here’s where you can really help me out. When it’s very clear mistakes are being made at an executive level, how have you handled it? I mean, in Denver, you tried to lure one of your franchise’s most famous names back to coaching at a time when coaching is all he wanted to do. He refused. You have a GM, but I have no idea who he is or what he’s done other than slide donuts across the table to the real decision maker. Every year you’re promised success but there is no hope whatsoever for a playoff run despite consistent guarantees that “youth will be served.”
In __________, there is so much talent but malaise appears to have set in. The leaders, many of whom have huge, decade-long, contracts don’t seem to want to give the kind of effort a recent Captain demanded of anyone who wore the W_____d W_____l.
It’s been a very simple pleasure to write flowing, expertly-crafted prose about the best franchise in sport. So easy. So carefree, like a little rowboat on a lake with a puppy on the bow with laughing children on the shore tossing those army men with folded parachutes in the air, watching them float gently to the ground while our parents shotgunned Hamms and giggled.
But it’s not like that anymore. The joy has been replaced by a kind of sadness only you can really relate to. And I need some help. Just point me in the right direction and I’ll take it from there. I’m that good. I don’t need much. Just a solid, a little one.
Help me Blues bloggers. Help me Denver fans. Because you know I’d do the same for you. How do I write about a team playing so badly?
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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org