Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

Note To Blues and Dive Bloggers:  I Need A Solid

I get it. And I understand.  I’m going to the two groups of people who would be the least likely to lend me a hand in times of need.  After all these years of animosity on my part, and outright hatred on yours; I’m looking for a handout.  I’m looking for some assistance and I can’t guarantee I’ll return the favor.

In fact, I’m sure I won’t.  But you have the opportunity to take the high road here and lend a hand with no expectation of payment in kind.

I need, and it’s hard for me to say this…I need to know how to blog about a team that, well, sucks.

Oh god I know. I know. It seems patronizing, but it really isn’t. I’m sincerely at a loss here.  My team, and you know who it is, has scored six goals in six games.  Our best two-way forward went 2-14 on faceoffs last night.  Our fiery coach has turned into gentle soul and my fellow fans are on the verge of mass self-urination.  I’m pretty sure that last part’s already begun.

I’ve been blogging for five years about a team so dominant, so frigging awesome, so consistently amazing…that I’m now at a loss for words.  Sure, the losses have been there.  Playoff losses. Stanley Cup Finals losses. Losses to rivals and even the rare losses to garbage teams like yours.  But never, not a single time, have I ever had to write from a position of such overwhelming pessimism.

And I know you have. Not just occasionally, but almost every day. I respect it. I’ve read your stuff for years and I even re-read much of it this morning.  My problem, though, is that I just can’t replicate it. I can’t muster the negativity required to blog about a team that appears to be so bad.

So here’s the thing.  I’m just asking for some advice.  And it’s going to be a short-term thing because there’s no way this shit storm is going to last.  So don’t think we have to turn into allies or anything, just temporary BFFs until my team—and you know who it is—rights itself.  No more than a week. Seriously.

Here we go…

Our team has lost six games in a row. Six.  It’s disgusting.  For years, we’ve been able to point to reasons for sadness.  The commissioner despises our team. The referees have a league-mandated agenda.  Injuries at the worst possible time.  But we’re healthy. The officiating is still terrible, but it’s not the reason our team is losing.  The commissioner, while undoubtedly enjoying this, really can’t be blamed for anything other than being an incompetent dwarf.  It’s very simply bad hockey. 

They’re playing very bad hockey.  So…am I supposed to cave and start looking at next year’s draft?  Do we create some gimmick to take our minds off the current state of ___________ hockey?  Maybe we start counting down jersey numbers in the middle of November, or coming up with a fu** St. Louis campaign that we can use as the autosignatures on the emails we send to our kids’ elementary school teachers telling them our third graders can’t come to school on Tuesday because they’re voting for the first time that morning?

Do we just start lifting weights to make us feel more alive?

Our team lost to a very bad Calgary team the other night.  By my count, your teams have lost to very bad teams more than fifty times—combined—over the last calendar year.  We’ve lost to Minnesota twice, while scoring one goal in each game.  We lost to Columbus, their first win of the year.  Washington blew us out, and they’re not nearly as good as their record would indicate. San Jose, the team you’d think our team would want to beat the worst, owned us like we’ve owned you for decades. 

We have no idea how we’re supposed to react. I have no idea what I’m supposed to write. It’s troublesome.

Bad hockey is one thing.  Slumps are slumps.  Trends can be fixed.  But, here’s where you can really help me out.  When it’s very clear mistakes are being made at an executive level, how have you handled it?  I mean, in Denver, you tried to lure one of your franchise’s most famous names back to coaching at a time when coaching is all he wanted to do. He refused.  You have a GM, but I have no idea who he is or what he’s done other than slide donuts across the table to the real decision maker.  Every year you’re promised success but there is no hope whatsoever for a playoff run despite consistent guarantees that “youth will be served.” 

In __________, there is so much talent but malaise appears to have set in.  The leaders, many of whom have huge, decade-long, contracts don’t seem to want to give the kind of effort a recent Captain demanded of anyone who wore the W_____d W_____l. 

It’s been a very simple pleasure to write flowing, expertly-crafted prose about the best franchise in sport. So easy.  So carefree, like a little rowboat on a lake with a puppy on the bow with laughing children on the shore tossing those army men with folded parachutes in the air, watching them float gently to the ground while our parents shotgunned Hamms and giggled.

But it’s not like that anymore.  The joy has been replaced by a kind of sadness only you can really relate to.  And I need some help.  Just point me in the right direction and I’ll take it from there.  I’m that good.  I don’t need much. Just a solid, a little one. 

Help me Blues bloggers.  Help me Denver fans.  Because you know I’d do the same for you.  How do I write about a team playing so badly? 

Thanks. 

 

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Comments

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Nicholas Lorenzi's avatar

ESPECIALLY since there are several screen names that make it abundantly clear that the person posting is a woman.

What? I apologize if you were offended but what?

First of all, I did not show hatred toward women.

Secondly don’t forget what we’re talking about here. This is a therapy forum right now where everyone is trying to help you take a step down into normalcy. The Red Wings are JUST A TEAM, one that is now losing.

Just except it like we gladly have.

Posted by Nicholas Lorenzi on 11/05/11 at 01:38 PM ET

Forlorn in VA's avatar

Posted by Nicholas Lorenzi on 11/05/11 at 11:38 AM ET

Accept is the word you meant, I believe.  And I’ll pass on accepting losses by the Red Wings as the new normalcy, thanks.

I did not intend to single you out specifically, I meant to have “no” as a single word paragraph.  You are not the only person here who posts things that I consider misogynistic and/or sexist, and I occasionally rant about it. 

If you want to discuss why I feel the term “loosest girl” is misogynistic, we can take it to email, since, as you have pointed out this isn’t necessarily the most appropriate place to have that discussion.

The real test will be what happens when Rupp is back?

This was not supposed to be a question.  Stupid typos.

Posted by Forlorn in VA on 11/05/11 at 02:19 PM ET

Nicholas Lorenzi's avatar

You are not the only person here who posts things that I consider misogynistic and/or sexist, and I occasionally rant about it. 

That’s okay. For the second time I apologize, I was just joking but I understand.
I’m being completely sincere here. That little piece was a cliche on high school athletes having a cliche good time, not meant to be taken seriously. Again, I apologize and it won’t happen again.

I did forget to mention:

ESPECIALLY since there are several screen names that make it abundantly clear that the person posting is a woman.

What? Besides a first name I haven’t ran into any screen names that scream what sex they are. Just saying.

Go Jackets!

Posted by Nicholas Lorenzi on 11/05/11 at 02:28 PM ET

Forlorn in VA's avatar

Off the top of my head - Ms. Red Winger, Jenemy (sp?) of the Skate, Kate from Pa.

Posted by Forlorn in VA on 11/05/11 at 02:34 PM ET

Nicholas Lorenzi's avatar

Never seen, sorry.

Posted by Nicholas Lorenzi on 11/05/11 at 02:47 PM ET

Avatar

DETROIT SUCKS, at least your team is playing at the level it should be now.

Posted by stu grimson from Denver on 11/05/11 at 04:24 PM ET

Baroque's avatar

Can you at least bake or something? Did you pass wood shop?

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 11/05/11 at 10:14 AM ET

Good gracious, I hope not. Because of 1) sharp blades and heating elements, and 2) drill press, table saw, lathe… etc. Count the fingers and make sure most are still there.

Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 11/05/11 at 05:00 PM ET

redxblack's avatar

The last time the wings lost this many straight ended well enough in June. I’m not worried.

Posted by redxblack from Akron Ohio on 11/06/11 at 06:34 PM ET

Avatar

Write for a team with less gingers.

Never Forget

Posted by lolzebra from serengeti plain on 11/09/11 at 04:51 PM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com