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Abel to Yzerman

L Effing A…C’mon Already

Every minute this thing drags on, the chances of the Bad Thing happening get more and more likely.  TPSH making yet another highly relevant point about a Final minus stars, talent, scoring, interest and hair gel? No.  While I’ll miss reading those, and I do…I can’t…help…it, what I’m talking about is this:  every minute Zach Parise plays for the Devils this June is another ten percentage point drop in likelihood that he ends up where he belongs…Hockeytown.

George brought us a ditty this morning that was just hard to read. We’re at least three weeks away from Tick Tock’s 30 Critical Days of Summer, and already I see something like this and I get sad because if he leaves Jersey and we don’t get this kid I’m going to absolutely frigging lose it.

Toronto Sun

“He is our captain, he is inspiring to all of us,” Devils forward Alexei Ponikarovsky said. “His work ethic, just battles for the puck, he is not a big guy but he is pretty quick. He is relentless on the puck all the time. He makes the defencemen turn the puck over.”

And if the lack of production had been bothering Parise, he was not showing it in the dressing room.

“He stays calm,” Adam Henrique said. “A lot of people get on him about scoring, but he has other things to contribute to the team. It was nice to see him to get that first one. He played another great game.

“He is probably the hardest working guy in the league, there is no doubt in my mind.”

And…

“Zach’s game is so much more than the stat line,” DeBoer said. “He’s the heartbeat of our team. He’s the identity of our team. He forechecks, he backchecks, he kills penalties, plays in all situations. He really is our barometer. He’s the guy that makes us go, whether he is scoring or not.”

Jesus.  He’s Darren Helm with hands. Steve Yzerman at 25 with the responsibility of Steve Yzerman at 35.  Ok, not yet. Too soon. 

But this has got to be fact: The Ilitch sway machine has got to be in full swing.  Nothing left un-offered.  Cap? Screw your Cap, Gary.  Choke on it.  We’ll adhere to it and fall about four bucks short of it.  But it has to be more.  Much more.  Hidden bonuses.  Lucrative, crazy incentives written on yellow stickies. The Wings have never needed a UFA this bad and there’s never been one on the market who rivals what Parise brings: talent, grit, leadership, speed and a public declaration that wherever he signs will be his home for the next decade. This isn’t Hossa or Fedorov.  It’s not Bourque begging teams for one final season to swindle his way on to a Cup winner before he retires with his perfect hair and his pre-arranged, contractually guaranteed 25-game retired jersey banner in pisspot Denver.  It’s not drunk Murph at the deadline and it isn’t signing Uwe Krupp with his fetishes (I totally made that up. I have no idea if Krupp had any fetishes, but he played in Denver…oh and more on “Krupp” in a bit) out of desperation and sick hope (yeah, they knew about the back thing before he signed).  This is a 27-year old stud who hasn’t even reached the top of his game who’s gonna be looking for a place to live, play and lift Silver every couple of years. 

Motherfu…read those quotes again.  You lose a captain, like the Wings did, and you take the next step.  That’s the Wing way.  Money to burn and holes to fill, Kenny.  Holes to fill.

How’s your Sunday? Good?  Yeah?  Awesome.  It’s noon where you probably are, so grab a beer and sit a spell. I’ve got a present for you.

Pinky….oh, Pinkeeeeeeee. 

image

Yep. Our favorite boy out in Minnesota, where inferiority is running completely rampant every time the reality sets in that the guy we talked about above and another down Nashville way have zero intention of wasting the rest of their careers in a place where the Cup will never go, has a bone to pick. 

Hockey Wilderness

Late last night, I came home, settled in with a lovely Grainbelt Premium, and caught up on the various missed social media interactions of the day. I have several searches and lists set up to keep tabs on the things you all seem to find important, so as to keep up on the level of stupidity rising throughout the hockey world as we approach free agency.

In three separate searches, one common, reoccurring comment was something about a rumor surrounding Zach Parise and Ryan Suter being a “package deal,” and whichever team lands one gets the other in some sort of throw in deal. As we have mentioned several times in the past, this is not a time to buy into every column or story written anywhere on the web.

Where did the rumor start? Is there truth to it? You know what to do.

First. Grainbelt Premium? No idea. No clue.  If it’s beer…and you describe it as “lovely”?  Elitist beer drinkers make me laugh. I’ll take my dirty, kinda cold PBR.  And I’ll drink it with other men instead of alone at my kitchen table, a cat purring in my lap, the final episode of Little House paused on the VCR in the background.

Pinky, who drinks the “lovely” Grainbelt Premium, has a problem with Redolence. 

A simple search of the net seems to lead to the rumor starting with a column in the Detroit News, by a writer named Gregg Krupp. I’ve never heard of Mr. Krupp, nor his paper, but the news on their site seems to be legit, so we’ll assume, for now, that the story is not complete fantasy…

Krupp was the musher, the desperation heave the Wings tossed at the turn of the century when it looked like Denver was setting themselves up as a dynasty instead of, you know, a failed shitbag of a city and hockey team.  Krupa is a writer, Pinky.  A legitimate one with a big vocabulary.  A big, vibrant, well-used and well-traveled vocabulary.  Christ, I’m far from accurate, ever.  But is is that hard? Krupp, Krupa.  They’re not even on the same row.  A’s out in California.  P is in, like, Newfoundland. 

And I’m assuming the “never heard of his paper” thing was sarcastic, but something nags at me that it’s not and that’s literally disturbing for a Grainbelt Premium drinker who has “several searches and lists set up to keep tabs on the things you all seem to find important”.

You know Pinky’s real issue here. We all do.  The possibility that Suter and Parise both end up in Detroit is a real one.  Actually, both of them could very well land in any number of places where the money’s available along with a realistic shot at winning.  Minnesota doesn’t fit one of those criteria, and they have the money so you figure it out. 

And that’s got Pinky upset.  No playoffs, again.  No Cup, most likely ever.  No Parise and no Suter.  And to see all those things land in Hockeytown?  That’s just too much for a fella like Pinky to handle, which is just perfect for the unwashed rest of us.  It just is.

If you haven’t read Krupa’s article (and I’m assuming you did because he posted it 16 days ago…weird, you’d think Pinky would have seen it before on his nightly “simple searches of the net”), take a look.  It breaks down the scenario pretty well.  And if there’s one thing we’ve learned about Redolence….he doesn’t make stuff up (good morning, Mitch) and he’s a real-live journalist who knows about research, fact-checking and all that other shit.

Enjoy your Sunday, bitches. 

 

 

 

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Comments

testgrenade's avatar

Pinky is the kind of Minnesotan that made me up and leave after 5 years living in Minneapolis. Dreadful place. Pretentious-without-reason people. And Grainbelt Premium is their precious local beer that tastes like water.

Posted by testgrenade on 06/10/12 at 01:48 PM ET

Avatar

Grainbelt premium is put together at Schell’s Brewery in my former hometown of New Ulm, MN.  It’s the 2nd oldest family run brewery in the US.  In fact, the son of the current owner serves in the Army; I assure you their beer is blue collar, and to get into an argument about beer is stupid.  The fact that this d-bag likes grainbelt makes me like it less.

Testgrenade, Schell’s Brewery recently bought the rights to brew grainbelt and they improved the overall quality from what it used to be.  You ate right though, used to taste like schlitz or keystone.

I also share that same fear that the longer parise plays this year in the playoffs the less likely he is to leave.  However, the owner has some debt issues do I am holding out hope.

Posted by 11B3PF7 in MN on 06/10/12 at 02:06 PM ET

HockeytownOverhaul's avatar

I love the smell of envy

Posted by HockeytownOverhaul on 06/10/12 at 02:09 PM ET

yzer19man's avatar

the final episode of Little House paused on the VCR in the background

Yes. Still cracking up laughing after that comment.

LA better finish their shit tomorrow, or else its back to NJ where their “cash strapped” front office will make another million or two in revenue. All i can hope is that it isnt enough to bring back ZP.

Posted by yzer19man from Chicago, IL on 06/10/12 at 03:10 PM ET

BrendonR's avatar

If anything I feel like Parise raising the Cup in a Devils uniform will kind of cap off his tenure there.  There wont be much else for him to accomplish, and you know he knows that the whole ‘playoffs’ thing will become a distant memory in Jersey once a certain Marty Brodeur hangs ‘em up.  Who exactly is going to carry Parise’s team in net through the season, into the playoffs and to the Cup after this year?  I’d say Jimmah.

Plus, committing $100 million to Kovy doesnt exactly say, “You’re our man” to Parise now does it?

Posted by BrendonR on 06/10/12 at 03:36 PM ET

Avatar

IwoCPO lives in a delusional universe.  His penis is probably 12” in that universe as well, considering he’s the most conceited wang fan.  Surprised he doesn’t post gay porn on his “reports.”

Parise isn’t leaving NJ for Wangtown. I doubt he leaves NJ period.

Posted by daedalus311@gmail.com on 06/10/12 at 04:13 PM ET

George Malik's avatar

I’ve said this several times in Ye Olde Blogg, and I’ll say it again here: regardless of the Devils’ accomplishments, and regardless of Suter’s probably very real sense of loyalty to Nashville, there are only so many times in an athlete’s professional life that a long line of Brinks trucks line the street which leads to one’s summer home, promising $8-10 million right off the bat and enough money over the terms of proposed “lifetime contracts”—probably the last of such contracts that will be available over the course of this CBA—to ensure that these players will never have to work another day in their respective lives.

That kind of opportunity has to be incredibly tempting for a player who hasn’t re-signed with his team as of the second week of June.

Posted by George Malik from South Lyon, MI on 06/10/12 at 04:25 PM ET

J.J. from Kansas's avatar

His penis is probably 12” in that universe as well

So are you saying that you have knowledge of that being the case in this universe?

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 06/10/12 at 05:00 PM ET

Avatar

My girlfriend just got a txt about wings trading Stuart for Andrew Murray and a Conditional Draft pick.

Posted by FatEric2000 from Too Close to the Shart Tank on 06/10/12 at 05:17 PM ET

Hippy Dave's avatar

Hmm, I wonder if contracts inked this Summer will take into account some kind of semi-probable, across-the-board player pay cut following the new CBA…

Posted by Hippy Dave from Portland by way of Detroit on 06/10/12 at 05:23 PM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 06/10/12 at 03:13 PM ET

A 12 inch penis, eh? Hey TROLL, I am sure there are plenty of sites you can visit to satisfy your wang obsession. Most likely a site named Wangtown, bitch.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!! In ’13

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 06/10/12 at 05:46 PM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

My girlfriend just got a txt about wings trading Stuart for Andrew Murray and a Conditional Draft pick.

Posted by FatEric2000 from Too Close to the Shart Tank on 06/10/12 at 04:17 PM ET

Yep, Stuie is gone. Time to get on it Tick-Tock.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!! In ’13

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 06/10/12 at 05:51 PM ET

bezukov's avatar

And if there’s one thing we’ve learned about Redolence….he doesn’t make stuff up (good morning, Mitch) and he’s a real-live journalist who knows about research, fact-checking and all that other shit.

Hahahahaha.

Posted by bezukov from the kids are alright. on 06/10/12 at 08:16 PM ET

monkey's avatar

Newfoundland?  That’s a bit of a stretch.  I would put it in Maine.  F12, now that’s in Newfoundland.

Posted by monkey from Praha, Česká republika on 06/11/12 at 08:09 AM ET

Avatar

Grainbelt?  1 word…Horribad

Posted by Mr.Rogers on 06/11/12 at 10:45 AM ET

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No worries. Zebras finally took it over in Game 6.

Posted by Alex on 06/11/12 at 11:19 PM ET

WolfeOnIce's avatar

Late to the party, but Chief…

Jesus.  He’s Darren Helm with hands.

Line of the Century. I love your posts, but this line takes the f’n cake for me.

Cheers.

Posted by WolfeOnIce on 06/12/12 at 02:48 AM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com