Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

48 to 16 to a Tough Road To 12

I've decided to refer to our new defenseman (Tick Tock's big offseason move) as Fredo. I haven't tried to spell his last name once and never will. You won't see a single attempt here.  But I know that it harkens thoughts of The Godfather and when I think of the Godfather I think of Sonny beating the piss out of Carlo, Michael trying his best to stay pure like Pony Boy and sad sack Fredo just trying to stay one step ahead of the reaper. Consistently sickly, often a victim and the Corleone who just couldn't quite cut it.

According to every smart kid everwhere that describes our entire corps of defensemen, so Fredo shouldn't be isolated.

But he's new, so he is.

I don't have a nickname for Tootoo yet but I just have this itchy feeling that I'm going to dig him.  We've always liked his kind around here and he'll be no different.  Whatever moniker we come up with, it should probably be borderline racially insensitive.  Something Native American, a testament to his roots and his culture.  I'm Irish and I enjoy the "hooligan" references, always have.  They don't offend me.  I say that because I think, as a sign of respect for his heritage, we should refer to Tootoo as "Stirs Shit With Big Wooden Spoon".  Something like that.  We'll see.

Our backup goalie is new and he's a castoff.  A big bastard, Swedish and verbose most likely.  He allegedly knew Nick Lidstrom and likes him as a man, finds him attractive but not in the way you're thinking, just attractive because they're fellow Swedes and they understand one another.  If he plays more than ten regular season games we are destined for horrible sadness.  If he plays more than ten it's because James Tiberius Howard is either hurt or, worse, isn't playing well at all. I fear a goalie problem this "season" like a Sailor fears two years in the Philippines with a Penicillin allergy.

I believe this team is going to be prolific.  They'll lead the league in scoring, both even strength...and on the power play.  Oh my sweet baby Jesus. You drooling, babbling bundle of hope and leadership. You brought us one of your disciples and he, Tom Renney, will be our new god.  We will love him and bathe him in oils and praise.  Offensively, this team is going to be nearly unstoppable when Uncle Mike lets the kids play, when the health issues go away (that's stupid...they never have. Ever. We've been dealing with injuries for five years).  

Brunner will score and score as long as he's paired with Z and Datsyuk.  Watch this: Franzen will be on fire from the jump and won't slow down until July.  

Nik Kronwall will flourish and Brendan Smith will...at times. Offensively.  

But that defense is going to be the death of us and we all know it.  We must all understand this now: goals will be scored.  Ungodly numbers of them.  They will be ugly and they will be untimely.  We will suffer through them and the defense will improve, slowly.  They're very young, you know.  Big E...I can't even think about it. I've been avoiding the image of him on our top pairing.  Seriously.  That's disgusting.  Fredo and White and E and Nik.  Rookies and "offensive defensemen".  We will suffer.  But we will not suffer like our peers have before us.

We will not suffer like Blues fans who lived for decades in a urine-filled pool of uncertainty, not knowing from week to week whether their "team" had a playoff spot.  That's horrific.  And, you know what? They're still living it.  

We never will. Ever.  This team will force us to swallow bile, probably starting in about 11 hours or something.  But heritage is heritage. Law is law.  It's just science and it's the Red Wings.  Tick Tock may not have done  a damn thing to make the Wings "favorites" but he is who he is and that's good. The playoffs will come and the 6 day offseason that Gary guarantees will bring with it some necessary strengthening of our back end (shhhh...don't).  

Oh, and Zach Parise will not see the playoffs this year.  Ryan Suter won't either because Zach won't give him permission to watch.

The Wings won't win the Central but they'll be ready when the playoffs start next week.  

And we'll be live blogging it every step of the way.  Bullet Bob will kick things off at 1800 EST.  

God help us all and all aboard. Bitches.

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Comments

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Red Winger's avatar

Whatever moniker we come up with, it should probably be borderline racially insensitive

sonofabitch, that was beautiful .

Posted by Red Winger from Sault Ste Marie on 01/19/13 at 11:58 AM ET

RWBill's avatar

Dammit Chief,
Here comes my first repost of the season, from the GDT moments ago, 9 hours before the first face off!
_____
Sometime back early early last season after the Blues beat us I said they were for Realzies, and Hitchcock had stamped his identity on them.

Here’s a reminder of what they did.

“The success was built on the foundation of 15 shutouts and a 1.78 goals-against average.
Halak played 46 games, posted six shutouts and a 1.97 GAA. Elliott played 38 games, with nine shutouts and a league-leading 1.56 GAA. His .940 save percentage also led the league.
While their teammates allowed the fewest shots in the league, they were the best puck-stopping tandem going.”

A 1.78 team GAA, and fewest shots allowed.

They apparently have most everyone returning.  How quickly will they settle in to last year’s cohesion?  Maybe never, maybe from the first shift.  Hitchcock has had stingy defenses everywhere he has coached.

Enter a Wings’ team full of patchwork groins and concussions and an abundance of grinding 3rd and 4th liners, except without the best 3rd / 4th line player on our roster, as Helm will be out.

Ready. Set. Vomit.

Doubtless to say that if we lose, or fall behind by the first goal, every one will throw in the towel for the season.

Posted by RWBill from the open bar on The Hasek. on 01/19/13 at 10:56 AM ET

Posted by RWBill from the open bar on The Hasek. on 01/19/13 at 11:58 AM ET

HockeytownOverhaul's avatar

Fuch the Blues and fuch KEn Hitchcock.  We’re going to mentally mount and dominate these bitches.

Dad retired, the boys can play now.  No one will feel the shameful eyes of St. Nick on them for starting shit on the ice.

For the past few years now, every team’s gameplan against detroit has been, rough them up.  Who was it that said it’s “No Secret” how to beat us, Shae Weber maybe?  They were right.  But that’s not the case anymore.  But we haven’t forgot how to win.  I say disadvantage blues.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8SX1ujpgfM

Posted by HockeytownOverhaul on 01/19/13 at 12:08 PM ET

Red Winger's avatar

Doubtless to say that if we lose, or fall behind by the first goal, every one will throw in the towel for the season.

I think we need to make a pact before puck-drop tonight: if (when) the Wings lose three games in a row, all of us will hide sharp objects around our houses. Bottles of unused Vicodin will be flushed down the toilet. Instead of automatically gravitating towards depressing and melancholic movies when the Wings aren’t playing, we will instead watch reruns of “The Joy of Painting” on PBS.

Bob Ross will get us through the valleys of this season.

 

Posted by Red Winger from Sault Ste Marie on 01/19/13 at 12:11 PM ET

monkey's avatar

“He Who Stirs Shit With A Big Wooden Spoon”.

I love you.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 01/19/13 at 12:17 PM ET

monkey's avatar

If I may be so bold, I think “Stirs Shit With Big Wooden Spoon” feels better.  It seems to have a better syllable count.

Standing Elk
Dances With Wolves
Red Bull
Stirs Shit With Big Wooden Spoon

They just go together.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 01/19/13 at 12:19 PM ET

monkey's avatar

Bottles of unused Vicodin will be flushed down the toilet

You must not be familiar with the black market for pharmaceuticals.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 01/19/13 at 12:20 PM ET

IwoCPO's avatar

If I may be so bold, I think “Stirs Shit With Big Wooden Spoon” feels better.  It seems to have a better syllable count.

Fixed. Good work Monkey,

Posted by IwoCPO from Sunny San Diego, bitches on 01/19/13 at 12:21 PM ET

monkey's avatar

Detroit 3, St. Louis 2.

Goals scored by Z, Fredo, Brunner.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 01/19/13 at 12:25 PM ET

42jeff's avatar

Excuse me while I work out some cobwebs…

MORNING BITCHES!

Thanks Gary Ass

Fuchin Ericcson

WHAT?!?! THAT WAS A GOOD GOAL

Vox…serve it up

Shhhhhhiiiiiiitttt…


WOOOOOOOOOO

annnnd finally

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 01/19/13 at 12:26 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

SSWBWS it is.

I need to see if I can create a shortcut key for that.

As in, wtf is SSWBWS doing 100 feet from the puck giving Bergland a leather sandwich?

Posted by RWBill from the open bar on The Hasek. on 01/19/13 at 12:27 PM ET

42jeff's avatar

they’ll be ready when the playoffs start next week.  

And I snotted at this…it was either spray coffee all over my keyboard or that…I took one for the team…there is no way in HELL I’m getting coffee on my new laptop.

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 01/19/13 at 12:27 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

You know this blog has a dozen more comments already that the StL Post Dispatch lead article about the Blues?  It’s not as if they’re focused on the Rams’ playoff run.

Posted by RWBill from the open bar on The Hasek. on 01/19/13 at 12:28 PM ET

monkey's avatar

Fixed. Good work Monkey,

That’s fantastic.  Happy to contribute.  But there’s still an extra “A”.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 01/19/13 at 12:30 PM ET

IwoCPO's avatar

But there’s still an extra “A”.

No there isn’t

Posted by IwoCPO from Sunny San Diego, bitches on 01/19/13 at 12:39 PM ET

TheRealYooper's avatar

But we haven’t forgot how to win.  I say disadvantage blues.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8SX1ujpgfM

so, under the new rules, would Jackman have been called for embellishment?

Posted by TheRealYooper from within sight of the edge of the Earth. on 01/19/13 at 12:44 PM ET

monkey's avatar

No there isn’t

You’re like some kind of wizard.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 01/19/13 at 12:44 PM ET

cigar_nurse's avatar

So this day has finally arrived. 4 months late thank Gary Ass for that.

Will be watching the early games at a hockey teamate’s house. Unfortunately he is from Shittsburgh and needs to be set straight all the time. Will make it back here for the L-Bee later.

Monkey. Leave the football alone today OK?

Posted by cigar_nurse from Greenville South Cakalakee on 01/19/13 at 12:47 PM ET

jennyquarx's avatar

This was a great post to kick off the season.  I had to read it aloud to my family at points.  I have been watching the TSN crap and the fact that they’re all sadface about the Wings makes me feel good.  Like Craig Button the other night said that the Wings will be the greatest disappointment in the Pacific.  That was cute. OH talking heads, welcome back.

Posted by jennyquarx on 01/19/13 at 12:49 PM ET

monkey's avatar

Monkey. Leave the football alone today OK?

I wouldn’t want it to get lonely.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 01/19/13 at 12:53 PM ET

cigar_nurse's avatar

Meh. Have been reading about the Red Wing demise for over 15 years now and love that it is proven wrong ever year. The only streak that will end this year is the # of 100 point seasons thanks to the NHL.

Posted by cigar_nurse from Greenville South Cakalakee on 01/19/13 at 12:54 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

We will suffer.

We are screwed.

Frankly, I’ll be surprised if Jimmah isn’t wheeled out on a stretcher some game this season.  Seriously.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 01/19/13 at 12:55 PM ET

42jeff's avatar

oh….wrong football

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 01/19/13 at 12:58 PM ET

monkey's avatar

The only streak that will end this year is the # of 100 point seasons thanks to the NHL.

Doesn’t count.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 01/19/13 at 01:00 PM ET

cigar_nurse's avatar

Unless you are a peein.

Posted by cigar_nurse from Greenville South Cakalakee on 01/19/13 at 01:00 PM ET

42jeff's avatar

The only streak that will end this year is the # of 100 point seasons thanks to the NHL.

Doesn’t count.

Posted by monkey from All hands, abandon ship. This is not a drill. on 01/19/13 at 12:00 PM ET

*

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 01/19/13 at 01:00 PM ET

monkey's avatar

oh….wrong football

Someone needs the One World Futbol.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 01/19/13 at 01:01 PM ET

monkey's avatar

59 points is the equivalent.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 01/19/13 at 01:03 PM ET

calquake's avatar

59 points is the equivalent.

Of Lil’ Gary’s IQ.

Posted by calquake on 01/19/13 at 01:09 PM ET

stonehands-78's avatar

thanks, Chief.

feels good in here, gang ... like home. missed youz guyz.

oh, and this: Thanks, Gary.Ass.

L.G.R.W.  No. 12 in’13

Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 01/19/13 at 01:15 PM ET

Zqto's avatar

Damn, I missed this!!!!

And thanks so much for nicknaming Fredo! I tried to spell that shit on another post, and it was PAINFUL!

And I feel the same about SSWBWS…  I think this entire team, actually, will have a sharpie edge this year, as HockeytownOverhau pointed out, and thats a good thing

Posted by Zqto on 01/19/13 at 01:20 PM ET

RorSchach's avatar

Are we live blogging this bitch? Please say we are. Cause I have missed all you beautiful bastards and bitches. Every one of you. None more then the Master him self. God your words are beautiful. From one sailor to another.. well, I was an airdale, but close enough, Anchor’s Away. Time to heave them lines and lets float on.

Posted by RorSchach from Datsberg on 01/19/13 at 01:31 PM ET

TEMO's avatar

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 01/19/13 at 11:55 AM ET


Oh ye of little faith . . .

Posted by TEMO from LANSING, MICHIGAN, U.S.A. on 01/19/13 at 01:41 PM ET

dougie's avatar

If we shorten SSWBWS to just “SS”, we can add even more racial insensitivity.

 

Posted by dougie on 01/19/13 at 01:52 PM ET

dougie's avatar

And it will be easier to type when drunk.

Posted by dougie on 01/19/13 at 01:53 PM ET

RorSchach's avatar

Posted by dougie on 01/19/13 at 12:52 PM ET

I’ll SS all over the place when I get lit up.. I love it.

Posted by RorSchach from Datsberg on 01/19/13 at 01:57 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Posted by TEMO from LANSING, MICHIGAN, U.S.A. on 01/19/13 at 12:41 PM ET

No, just a stone-cold realist.

Last season, DET ranked a very respectable 7th in GAA at 2.44.

Lidstrom played about 23 minutes a game, playing in 70 games, 11 G, 23A, +21.

Stuart played about 20 minutes a game, plating in 81 games, 6G, 15A, +16

Now DET plan to plug-in a rookie, Brendan Smith into the 2nd pair with Quincey?
Not to mention putting E-52 into 1st pair minutes.

On second thought, you are right, I do have little faith.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 01/19/13 at 02:07 PM ET

stonehands-78's avatar

just saw on FB:

Red Wings Feed

RT @HeleneStJames: Mike Babcock says Todd Bertuzzi has mono will miss several weeks. #RedWings

Like · · Share · 11 · 4 minutes ago · .

Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 01/19/13 at 02:13 PM ET

dougie's avatar

Maybe it should, but that does not cause me great concern. Let the kids play. Make the playoffs anyway.

Posted by dougie on 01/19/13 at 02:24 PM ET

RorSchach's avatar

Mono? Who’s he been kissing?

Posted by RorSchach from Datsberg on 01/19/13 at 02:33 PM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com