Abel to Yzerman
by IwoCPO on 11/16/11 at 01:10 PM ET
After a few hours sleep and much serious consideration, plus more than a few ice cold PBRs (America’s favorite beer…look it up), I’ve come to this conclusion:
That was the worst game I’ve seen the Red Wings play.
You know what I dug last night? Somebody…Drunk-ass Murph or Ken said that when the suddenly not quite as fat as he used to be Ken Hitchcock was asked how long it would take to fix the Blues power play, he responded with, “one practice.” I don’t know how accurate that is. I don’t know much of anything after watching that frigging sewer swilling armpit of a shitfest last night. But I do know it sounded cool. It sounded confident and bad ass. And so I wonder. With “all the talent” the Wings have, when is my Uncle Mike going to fix ours? And while he’s at it, when is he going to fix the penalty kill? And while he’s dealing with those two minor little ditties, when is he going to fix our two long-term superstars? Oh, and when he’s done fixing those little, tiny, itty bitty issues…how about the fact that there isn’t a single player in red and white you can point to and say, “he’ll carry this team offensively.”
Scott Bowman, my personal savior, used to point to some simple math. He was reasonably happy when he could point to the PK and PP rankings, add them together and come to a number less than ten. In other words, if Detroit was ranked 6th on the PK and 3rd on the PP, joy would follow.
That number now? It’s like 49 or something gross. Holy. Fuch.
Want to do something fun? Gather your family and bring a few hookers because, really, there’s nothing better than this. The other night I was searching YouTube looking for some ammo I was going to use on a post (that wasn’t written, naturally) about Homer’s goals getting stolen by the criminal element known as the NHL. Hundreds of hits came up. “Goal reversed, Holmstrom” is a great one if you’re interested. Huge amount of material to search from. Back to the point: as I was looking through clips, many of his reversed goals have come—over the years—on the power play. Consequently, most of the clips showed the Wings with the man advantage over the last several seasons. Jesus…they used to be breath taking. Pucks moving from side to side. Quality shots. Creativity. 2008, 2009. Glory years when teams would shudder at the thought of running a Wing because the bad men would turn the lights out and violate them within thirty seconds.
Now? Well, you know what now is. Now is garbage. Now is apathy and it’s stationary.
Some Denver idiot told me yesterday that the Wings postseason “failures” (as if a Dive fan even remembers what postseason success smells like) can be attributed to the aging of Nick Lidstrom. Stupid, even by Denver standards. No. Detroit’s early exits the last two Springs have been the result of shit special teams. And it continues today. They’re the worst we’ve seen.
Five minutes. Against St. Louis. Five minutes of ass. Datsyuk gaining the zone, losing the puck. Possession on the blue line, a few choppy passes, skittish turnovers, and out comes Jim Howard to gather it and start another bogus rush up ice. And there isn’t a single one of you surprised about the result of that, or of the PK that immediately followed.
Whiskey dicked. When did we start using that ditty? It’s been at least two years. Two years of power play ineptitude.
Someone please explain to me how this team, with that talent, is ranked 20th on the power play. 20th. Nashville, Winnipeg, the Islanders, Ottawa and Buffalo are just a few of the offensive juggernauts well ahead of Franzen, Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Lidstrom, Cleary, Filppula.
Where have you gone William Tell? Yep. That sick bastard broke more glass Bull Meachum in Rota. But he’s a sniper, or he was. And we don’t have one. We don’t have a finisher. I’m not even discussing Franzen or our expectations of him. Huge contract. Epic disappointment. That’s reality. Hank Zetterberg is a grinder, not a sniper. Datsyuk….WTF? Here’s TF…he has no one to set up. No one’s converting.
So…Tick Tock. We look to you once again. Allllllll that cap space. All that money. All that angst as the last Cup gets smaller in the mirror. Who’s it gonna be? Who you gonna bring us Kenny? Huh? Oh, I know. I know. It’s tough to deal in Gary’s NHL because parity dictates that every team thinks they have a shot. No one wants to trade in November.
Not buying into that. I want Rick Nash. Or, as much as many of the 19 dislike him, I’ll take Iginla. How about Spezza? All pipe dreams. I got it. And I know the challenges. Who to give up? Brendan Smith? Kindl? Fil? At this point?
Any of them. Seriously.
Because Kenny? Our gunners aren’t cutting it. Our top line doesn’t have, as WestWing, pointed out last night, a single player in the top 215 in goals. WW also added this today in the comment section below…
I’ll say it again. The so-called top line on this team has amassed a grand total of 5 goals this season. There are 108 individual players in the NHL who have at least that many all by themselves.
In terms of production, does any team in hockey have a more anemic top line? No It’s a fuching embarrassment.
Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 11/16/11 at 11:57 AM ET
Over-reaction on my part? I’m sure. We’re nothing here if not impulsive and reactionary. But, we’re fans. Not journalists and definitely not team executives. Six game losing streak? Slash and burn. Four game winning streak? Block off Woodward. I get it. The fact remains though, that there are constants.
Special teams suck and we don’t have a sniper, outside of Franzen when he feels like it.
Over to you Tick Tock. Bring us joy.
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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: email@example.com