Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

Things You’d Like To Ask Li’l Gary And Something You’ve Never, Ever, Heard Said About Rosby

Ahoy, bitches, it has been a long time since I’ve had a chance to post an entry.  Between the Chief shotgunning entries and Malik, the showoff, blogging at Kukla’s Empire now, there won’t be much pressure on your bartender to post.  Which is good, because the bar business has been very busy these days and I’ve been redolent in not posting.

The Emperor decided enough was enough.  If he was to justify my extremely high salary as a faux-fessional journalist, he wants me to get to work.  So Paul is sending me on a roadtrip… to Traverse City.  Wait… that’s the Showoff, not me.

The Emperor has other plans for me, and somehow he’s convinced the NHL that I am a legitimate blogger and not merely an enabler to a train car full of drunks and reprobates.  Their folly is our opportunity. 

Carpe fuching diem, bitches.

As you may already know, the NHL is holding a second Shanahan Summit this week.  You may remember the first Shanahan Summit during the lockout where our good Irish buddy did more to help the NHL in one week than Li’l Gary has in more than a decade.

Paul and the Chief asked if I wanted to attend.  And I was very redolent at the idea.

You see, much like the Chief, I never want to be a journalist.  Being a journalist means sitting on your hands in the press-box watching the game quietly.  Being a journalist means writing unbiased articles and fact checking.  I don’t want to do any of those things.  I’m a fan, and a damn loud one at that.  No one is going to make me tell the story with the Bitter Brittle Bitch Blues, the Vagalanche, or any other team’s perspective in mind.  Not going to happen.  Ever.  And I am proud of that.

As I told my former journalism professor during radio college, I don’t want to sit around waiting for news to happen and report on it, I want to be the one making news happen.

I wasn’t going to attend the Summit.  Until I called the Emperor, that is.

You see, I won’t be going to the Shanahan Summit as a journalist.  I’ll be going as a blogger.  Paul has given me permission to ask the questions no journalist would ask.  So it’s game on, bitches.

In addition to top prospects attending, the Shanahan summit will also have most NHL clubs represented along with Li’l Gary himself.

As I’ve come from the world of imaginary friends on the internet to world-wide notoriety and the target of loathing among MSM, I decided that I would ask my imaginary friends for questions they would like to have answered during the Shanahan Summit.

If you could ask Li’l Gary, Tick Tock, The Captain, Jimmy D, Jim Nill, Shanahan, the propsects, journalists, etc., any questions what would they be?

I will select from among the best questions (bonus points for funny/insightful ones) and try and get the answers no one else dares to.  We all know the Deep Diggers are afraid to ask tough/uncomfortable questions.  I, however, am not a Deep Digger.  I’m a real fan with a really big mouth.

Speaking of big mouths, you know how long has it been since I’ve had a chance to sit down and write a post (and I’ve wanted to)?  Long enough to let this awesome Dangle quote get a bit stale from waiting on the shelf:

Q: Why are people so fond of Ovechkin?
Datsyuk: Well, like some of his girlfriends, his compatriots paid tribute to his talent.

That comes courtesy George Malik who has finally decided to stop propping up Khan(!)‘s website with actual journalism, the stuff the Deep Diggers hate doing, and join Kukla’s Empire.  More on that in a minute.

Back to Dangle, if there is an interview where he doesn’t say something entertaining, I haven’t found it.  Contrast that to Rosby who has never said anything entertaining in his entire life.  Also contrast the Ovechkin comment to Rosby as well.

Ovechkin is a stud.  Apparently on and off the ice.  While Alex’s girlfriends pay tribute to his “talent”, I have never heard Rosby ever associated with a woman of any kind.  Not even one of Happy Hudler’s hookers.  Maybe if Rosby could get laid he wouldn’t be such a redolent punk who punches guys in the yambag from behind or takes cheap shots at classy NHL players in the dying moments of a game.

If Rosby would learn how to use those over-inflated lips to munch some carpet, maybe he’d be happier and he wouldn’t come off as such an incredible douche bag.  Unless of course he prefers smoking poles to eating carpet, in which case I completely understand his girly hissy-fits.  It’s not his fault, he was born that way.

Moving onto bigger fish (see what I did there?), the Kovalchuk decision has been beaten to death by journalists desperate for a hockey story since the CBA effectively killed summertime free-agent deals to discuss.  Instead of flogging the dog any further (a Rosby specialty), I just wanted to add something from our genius fisherman, Hakan Andersson.

Once again, showoff blogger Malik brings us this story:

Wings European scouting director Hakan Andersson tells Aftonbladet’s Mats Wennerhol that he didn’t worry himself about such a review ever taking place:
“No, I simply think that our General Manager, Ken Holland, was a little smarter,” says Detroit’s Swedish scout, Hakan Andersson.  “He invented this way to bring down the salary cap hit and others followed.  But at the same time, they went a step further.  So I’m not worried.”

Bea-u-ti-ful.  Notice the subtle humility in there?  Ken Holland was a “little” smarter than other GMs.  Hakan didn’t have to say that.  He could have said what we all know.  Tick Tock is not just a “little” smarter, he is full blown Mensa to the NHL’s typical shortbus GMs and executives.  Saying that Holland is only a “little” smarter than everyone else is like saying Lindas1st or Claude from Colorado are only “little” douche bags.  We all know that adjective is only there to smooth over feathers that may be ruffled when compared to others.

Ken Holland is far smarter than anyone else managing a hockey team or the NHL itself.  Remember that as you debate this off-season’s roster moves, bitches.

Adjectives like “little” piss me off.  Here at A2Y, we don’t care about ruffling feathers, which is why the MSM hate us.  We don’t say that Dater or the Delicate Genius have “little” hockey knowledge, we say quite confidently that they have NO hockey knowledge.

Just like saying that having Malik, our favourite showoff, on the KK roster is a “little” addition is bullshit.  It’s fuching huge.  Puppies, firetrucks, and Happy Hudler’s hookers all rolled into one.  Between the Showoff and the Chief, this (semi-)humble bartender may just sit back and let the giants do their thing.  There is always enough glasses to wash, draft lines to maintain, and vomit to cleanup in the Hasek Club Car to keep me busy.

Until then, I will be at the Shanahan Summit to ensure that juvenile deliciousness is appropriately represented.

Please submit your questions for Li’l Gary, the Red Wings’ braintrust, Stevie “Fuching” Yzerman, any of the prospects, or other NHL executives/journalists attending the second Shanahan Summit below.  I will do my best to represent my imaginary friends in a most unprofessional manner, which is exactly what you bitches expect of me.

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Comments

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Nathan's avatar

If Rosby would learn how to use those over-inflated lips to munch some carpet, maybe he’d be happier and he wouldn’t come off as such an incredible douche bag.

VooX, I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. Very well done. Seriously, why are his lips so big?

Posted by Nathan from the scoresheet! on 08/16/10 at 06:04 PM ET

J.J. from Kansas's avatar

If you could ask Li’l Gary, Tick Tock, The Captain, Jimmy D, Jim Nill, Shanahan, the propsects, journalists, etc., any questions what would they be?

Gary: Have you ever lost an argument with somebody who wasn’t your wife?

Tick Tock: You must have a strong neck to carry around a brain that big.  Not a question, just wanted to say that.

The Captain: When are you coming home?

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 08/16/10 at 06:07 PM ET

J.J. from Kansas's avatar

Also, knowing full well that you’d never get a straight answer, I’d like to ask Shanny where he stands on the issues that seem to separate the league and the NHLPA coming into the next CBA.

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 08/16/10 at 06:08 PM ET

GrahamWIIM's avatar

For Li’l Gary: “Is it true that you base your leadership style off of Dark Helmet from Spaceballs?”

For Shanahan: “When are you just going to kill that little idiot and become commish already?”

For Stevie: “How long before we see a Wings-Lightning Finals, and who would you cheer for in your heart?”

Posted by GrahamWIIM from Chicago via Toronto on 08/16/10 at 06:08 PM ET

GrahamWIIM's avatar

Seriously, why are his lips so big?

He’s allergic to Mario’s hemmorrhoid cream

Posted by GrahamWIIM from Chicago via Toronto on 08/16/10 at 06:09 PM ET

awould's avatar

Redolent. It was funny for a while. Last week. Just sayin’.

Other than that, pretty solid post saying what we’re all thinking. Go Wings!

Posted by awould on 08/16/10 at 06:09 PM ET

TeamDub's avatar

Why don’t you go somewhere and cover the Leafs.

Posted by TeamDub from The gratch. on 08/16/10 at 06:20 PM ET

Nathan's avatar

He’s allergic to Mario’s hemmorrhoid cream

Posted by Amerinadian from Chicago via Toronto on 08/16/10 at 04:09 PM ET

Hahahaha. You’re killin’ me.

Redolent. It was funny for a while. Last week. Just sayin’.

Posted by awould on 08/16/10 at 04:09 PM ET

Saying “redolent” is becoming very redolent.

Posted by Nathan from the scoresheet! on 08/16/10 at 06:25 PM ET

Twig in Houston's avatar

Redolent. It was funny for a while. Last week. Just sayin’.

pretty sure that word is here to stay. which, if you ask me, is totally redolent.

Posted by Twig in Houston from Houston, TX on 08/16/10 at 06:29 PM ET

Avatar

Wow. Pathetic post, but what can you expect from Voox. At least The Chief is somewhat witty.

Anyway, Rosby hasn’t caught on anywhere other than on this stupid blog. No one calls him that. You guys have no clout whatsoever.

Also, as a Pens fan who keeps up with Twitter and Internet forums, I’ve heard several rumors about Crosby having a girlfriend. But his public personal is all about being a solid player and a good role model. So no, unlike that arrogant idiot Pavel Datsuckface who couldn’t be more full of himself, and unlike Ovechkin who behaves like a complete f***ing toolbag in public, Sid likes to keep his private life private. Oh, the horror!

Nice to see that Voox and A2Y are keeping the obsession and jealousy of Crosby alive and well though.

Posted by KLS Line 20-82-27 on 08/16/10 at 06:34 PM ET

Twig in Houston's avatar

as for a question for gary:

i would like to know what he would do if didn’t have an army of lawyers to fall back on when he doesn’t get his way.

also, i would like to know if he’s aware that everyone outside of pittsburgh hates him. (i know he wouldn’t care, i just want to know if he’s aware)

Posted by Twig in Houston from Houston, TX on 08/16/10 at 06:35 PM ET

Twig in Houston's avatar

Also, as a Pens fan who keeps up with Twitter and Internet forums, I’ve heard several rumors about Crosby having a girlfriend.

rumors you say!? on twitter!? oh wow, that confirms it then. he MUST be straight…

Posted by Twig in Houston from Houston, TX on 08/16/10 at 06:36 PM ET

Andy from FightNight's avatar

Ask them if they feel they are redolent

Posted by Andy from FightNight on 08/16/10 at 06:38 PM ET

Sullyosis's avatar

This one’s for Gary:

“What was the insight and where did it come from that proved you it would be a good idea to suspend Nick Lidstrom and Pavel Datsyuk, two of the most gentlemanly athletes in all of sports, for seemingly transient reasons, surrounding the All-Star game?  Has anyone, in any sport, ever been suspended due to something that happened at an All-Star game?

Also, could you just talk about how hockey, as an entire entity, is better off with a team in Phoenix that nobody gives a sh*t about?  Try working Phoenipeg into the answers, if you don’t mind.”

Posted by Sullyosis from A hateful lair in Post Apocalyptic US (or Arizona) on 08/16/10 at 06:38 PM ET

Claude from Colorado's avatar

The idea of anyone associated with Kukla’s critiquing a legit journalist is probably the funniest part of this post.

Posted by Claude from Colorado on 08/16/10 at 06:38 PM ET

GrahamWIIM's avatar

Anyway, Rosby hasn’t caught on anywhere other than on this stupid blog. No one calls him that. You guys have no clout whatsoever.

And yet here you are. I bet that you tell all your other Penguin fan-friends that this “stupid” blog calls him Rosby. Therefore you are spreading the name. So it is catching on.

Also, as a Pens fan who keeps up with Twitter and Internet forums, I’ve heard several rumors about Crosby having a girlfriend.

Rumours are funny, and not always true. I heard a rumour that Crosby was a strong guy. Then I saw him wussy out of Game 7 of the Finals because of an “injury”, yet looked perfectly healthy skating around with the Cup.

So no, unlike that arrogant idiot Pavel Datsuckface who couldn’t be more full of himself

Got proof of this? And talk about crappy nicknames - Datsuckface? At least just end it with Datsuck and be done with it like everyone else. Oh, and Datsyuk is married - to a woman. FYI.

and unlike Ovechkin who behaves like a complete f***ing toolbag in public, Sid likes to keep his private life private.

Well, gay athletes haven’t been truly embraced yet. I don’t blame Sid for keeping a low profile.

Nice to see that Voox and A2Y are keeping the obsession and jealousy of Crosby alive and well though.

No worries. In September you can block this blog so we will never have to see you around again. It’s win-win for everyone.

Posted by GrahamWIIM from Chicago via Toronto on 08/16/10 at 06:40 PM ET

J.J. from Kansas's avatar

You guys have no clout whatsoever.

Funniest troll sentence in a long time.

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 08/16/10 at 06:40 PM ET

Nate A's avatar

Good luck to you. You’re a far more patient man than I. I can’t handle listening to that little weasel talk. And I won’t blame you if you hurl a shoe at him.

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 08/16/10 at 06:41 PM ET

Nate A's avatar

Now that I think a bit, can you ask Lil’ Gary why the NHL has any printed rules? Please? The key here will be the delivery.

I’ve heard several rumors about Crosby having a girlfriend.

In Canada right?

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 08/16/10 at 06:45 PM ET

Osrt's avatar

Also, knowing full well that you’d never get a straight answer, I’d like to ask Shanny where he stands on the issues that seem to separate the league and the NHLPA coming into the next CBA.

Posted by J.J. from Kansas

This. Just to see how Shanny handles himself.

Also, to Colin Campbell or Gary: Will the league publish an official guideline for suspensions or will they continue their current opaque system?

Saying “redolent” is becoming very redolent.

Posted by Nathan

Agreed.

Posted by Osrt on 08/16/10 at 06:56 PM ET

MrsOtW's avatar

Ask Gary:

Can you really expect the fans - who you’ve spent the last five years totally pissing off - to come back after another lockout?

How do you expect to grow the game of hockey in non-traditional markets when you are preventing them from being good for more than a couple years?

Is it worth it to bring new fans to the game if you lose all the fans you have in the process?

Posted by MrsOtW from Wyoming, Mi on 08/16/10 at 06:57 PM ET

FranzensMouthguard's avatar

arrogant idiot Pavel Datsuckface

can’t….stop…..laughing

This guy must be a Ben Rapethlisberger fan

Also Voox, the sheer thought of trying to come up with a sane, logical question to Bettman without digressing into something that ends with a picture similar to this:

makes my head explode

Posted by FranzensMouthguard from Chicago, IL on 08/16/10 at 06:57 PM ET

WingsFaninCO's avatar

In Canada right?

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 08/16/10 at 04:45 PM ET


LOL.  Well played, sir.

Posted by WingsFaninCO on 08/16/10 at 07:02 PM ET

J.J. from Kansas's avatar

Also ask Gary how he expects to keep trying to pull the wool over the eyes of the smartest fans in sports.  Sure, some people believe the up-selling bullshit spin that he puts on news, but fewer and fewer people believe that the league is acting as the proper steward of the integrity of the game of hockey.

Be prepared with a “spend some time online, Gary” when he counters that question with “I don’t know where you got that from.”  That’s his favorite little trick.

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 08/16/10 at 07:08 PM ET

wingsfanindenver's avatar

Be prepared with a “spend some time online, Gary” when he counters that question with “I don’t know where you got that from.” That’s his favorite little trick.

or follow with: Do you really think hockey fans are stupid enough to buy that, “I don’t know where you got that from,” load of horsesh!t?

And use your most annoying voice when quoting him.

Posted by wingsfanindenver on 08/16/10 at 07:26 PM ET

Avatar

The Commish’, eh?

Ask him:
1. Does he know what redolent means?
2. Why he hates the baby Jesus?
3. If his brains are in fact made of excrement?

Then, politely invite him to have sex with himself…be sure to get in a “Good day to you, Sir”.  You know, to be polite.

Posted by VikingDoc on 08/16/10 at 07:29 PM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

the Vagalanche,

Your welcome. Bitch.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 08/16/10 at 07:55 PM ET

Crater's avatar

Question for Gary: If you force another lockout, are you willing to live with 19 people stalking you daily until it is resolved?

I’d also like to buy the Cindy is a virgin square on the pool. It only makes sense.

Posted by Crater from SoCal on 08/16/10 at 08:30 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

Posted by Tony from Virginia Beach, VA on 08/16/10 at 06:41 PM ET

Tony, where you at, Boiiii?

I’m south of Richmond… Chesterfield County.

Posted by RWBill from the open bar on The Hasek. on 08/16/10 at 08:44 PM ET

FranzensMouthguard's avatar

oh lord, have fun with this

Posted by FranzensMouthguard from Chicago, IL on 08/16/10 at 08:51 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

Gary, when did you realize you were a full blown Marxist-Leninist?

Gary, what year did you begin to follow hockey, was it before or after you were made Commissioner?

Posted by RWBill from the open bar on The Hasek. on 08/16/10 at 08:52 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

Posted by FranzensMouthguard from Chicago, IL on 08/16/10 at 06:51 PM ET

...and everything in this thread had been such high class til you put that up there…

hahahahahaha omg delusional

Posted by RWBill from the open bar on The Hasek. on 08/16/10 at 08:56 PM ET

Red Winger's avatar

Gary: Who is stronger, you or Ron McLean?

Posted by Red Winger from Sault Ste Marie on 08/16/10 at 09:03 PM ET

pgoody's avatar


City of Creepers

PITTSBURGH, PA

Posted by pgoody on 08/16/10 at 09:07 PM ET

George Malik's avatar

“Gary, have you ever considered trying Ex-Lax?  It might help…in more than one way.”

Posted by George Malik from South Lyon, MI on 08/16/10 at 09:39 PM ET

George Malik's avatar

Also: Chief = King of the Red Wings castle, the spiritual leader;

Me = blabby;

You = our resident shift disturber.

One does not work without the other here.  It’s a three-man circus now.

Posted by George Malik from South Lyon, MI on 08/16/10 at 09:42 PM ET

Rumbear's avatar

The bench is deep here at A2Y.  Jeebus, even the bartender is a trained Dontwannabejournalist. 

Cut deep with questions aboot “If you were a hockey stick, which way would your blade bend?”  You can run, right?

Also, use caution when getting between Ken Hitchcock and the buffet table.  Knowledge is wisdom.  But you knew that.

Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, doing the pre-season shuffle.... on 08/16/10 at 09:44 PM ET

Down River Dan's avatar

My question for the little midget:

“Have you ever in your life attended an NHL game where you paid for your own admission?”

My question for Shanny:

  “How much does it take to purchase the Soul of a once great NHL player”

Posted by Down River Dan on 08/16/10 at 10:35 PM ET

Guilherme's avatar

Ask Gary about this: ESPN has wanted it back for 2 yrs. It’s Bettman that won’t do it. (http://twitter.com/sportsguy33/status/12646195806)

And why he charges so much for broadcasting rights in Brazil (where 1 dollar is too much for this unknown sport) but lets NBC broadcast for free.

Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 08/16/10 at 10:37 PM ET

Link_Gaetz's avatar

Even as a Pens fan, I enjoy the Crosby-bashing here. Many times, it’s very witty, and I have a nice laugh. I also enjoy reading A2Y. It’s one of those blogs that’s either so clever that it’s dumb, or so dumb that it’s clever. I don’t mean that as a dig, I enjoy that. If I were a Red Wings fan, I would probably be one of the 19 as well.

However, this instance of “Rosby” bashing was a little much, no? Really pulled out of thin air, doesn’t relate to anything, and sort of comes off as it was written by a redolent 15 year old. I understand bashing him after he starts a post-whistle scrum, but it’s pretty unnecessary and just meant to goad Pens fans into writing up clever “DeD Wingz” or “Datsuck” retorts. I shouldn’t be surprised though, since this was written by VooX. VooX tries so hard to be the Chief, and he ends up writing stuff like this. While using all of the Chief’s jokes. And using the same sentence structure. Every one of his posts just reeks of trying way too hard. But he gets his Pens fans out in full force, so I guess that’s all that matters in the slow summer months. It keeps the some of the fans here happy. I will keep reading this blog, but I will just hope that VooX writes a little less and the Chief writes a little more. The Chief is intelligent, and I get his schtick. I don’t need to read someone poorly imitate him.

VooX, keep the “Rosby” bashing coming, but at least try to be a little original. You don’t have to be Sidney Crosby to the chief’s Gary Bettman. No reason to suck anyone off here.

Posted by Link_Gaetz on 08/16/10 at 10:38 PM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com