Abel to Yzerman
by VooX on 05/20/13 at 11:25 AM ET
Jonathan Toews is a broken little boy. The past couple of days he has gone to bed muttering to hiimself, when not biting his pillow, and waking up needing to change his sheets. He is haunted by his personal boogeyman, Henrik Zetterberg, whose defensive coverage of Toews has been so suffocating, the lack of oxygen affecting "Tazer's" brain and emotional stability so badly, that he finally snapped.
As time expired in Detroit’s win, Jonathan Toews took the faceoff and immediately began to cross check Henrik Zetterberg. Again and again as the seconds ticked down, he went after Zetterberg who was trying to actually play defense.
As expected, the Red Wings weren’t too happy. Zetterberg went right after Toews, Bertuzzi got a couple of requisite shots in and then Jimmy Howard stepped in and did his part.
You see what I did there? I just lied to you in a quote, something only a faux journalist would do. Ask Pinkie in Minnesota.
My point, and my faux journalism training tells me I better make one soon, is that Toews is not the first whiny bitch Craptain that Hank has gotten in the head of. He posititvely relishes taking weak, petulent kids and making them cry into their pillows while Li'l Gary tries to comfort them with a massage and some hot cocoa. And while the kids cry to Gary, Hank gets to recount every suffocating detail during pillow talk with Emma, while she feeds him smoked herring and allows her finger to gently glide along his beard afterwards.
Every night they laugh while the Chickenhawks cry themselves to sleep. But Coach Quenneville is not sleeping at all. Our Uncle Mike has made sure of it.
The pharmacists here at A2Y, myself included, have said some very bad things about our coach this season while the playoffs looked out of reach. We said playing Homekeys with Dangles made no sense, that keeping the kids in the lineup to turn over the puck again and again in our zone was madness. Ian White grew mould in the pressbox while Smith, Quincey, and Kindl gave us ulcers with their play on the ice.
Babcock was right and we were wrong, no doubt about that now. That is why he got his degree in sports psychology from McGill and I got my pharmaceutical degree from an ad found in the back of Swank magazine.
While we've ridden Smith these playoffs like a rented mule, our Uncle Mike has done the opposite. With kind words and pats on the back he is making Smith a better player and person without forcing him to wear his underwear on his head in public, like our Command Master Chief once had to do.
"You're always trying to redeem yourself," Smith said.
Actually, Smith went over the video with coach Mike Babcock and the pair didn't think Smith's Game 1 performance was as bad as others believed.
The fact Babcock was entirely in his corner helped Smith considerably.
"That made me feel real good. Coach will tell you how it is if you don't play very well, he'll tell you," Smith said. "We both kind went over things and we didn't think all the criticism I got wasn't as bad as people were saying.
"If I did play a much worse game, he would have told me and would have been honest and you guys (in the media) all know from how he talks to the media. It showed a lot of confidence and that he will stand up against somebody and show what he believes in, and that helps a young guy like myself."
While Smith was learning from his mistakes and getting better last game, Uncle Mike turned his attention to Coach Quenneville and making him his bitch in Chicago's own barn, rolling lines to matchup and completely suffocate the Hawks. Toews was/is going mental, Hossa was invisible, and Twenty-Cent was kept on the perimeter of the play looking in on the action like a shy 12 year-old boy at his first school dance.
And speaking of awkward little boys, Greg Wyshynski and his boy-bitch Sean at the Search Engine! are positively apoplectic with rage over the Wings' victory. As pointed out by Primis at the end of the last LB, their coverage of Game 2 was a Pulitzer-worthy example of faux journalism at its finest. Normally copyright rules prevent me from quoting an entire article, but I must make the exception here as Greg's analysis was so comprehensive and thorough, I feel anything less would fail to honour the bias-free coverage over at Yahoo!:
The Red Wings captain assisted on goals by Brendan Smith and Valtteri Filppula, while frustrating Jonathan Toews all game, in Detroit’s 4-1 win over the Chicago Blackhawks. The series is tied 1-1.
I'm humbled. Clearly we were wrong, Greg. You do not hate the Wings and your coverage of them is nothing but fair and balanced like a Roger Ailes produced newscast. I am so happy when I look in my inbox and find feedback on my writing from such an esteemed and thorough journalist like yourself. I mull over every bit of advice while drinking Darjeeling tea and sitting on my meditation cushion... Om mani padme hum, motherfucher.
Speaking of secret biases, if you think the officiating in our series was atrocious so far (just ask Toews) you should take a gander at the Pen(i)s/Senator game last night. The refs went full-retard in that game and everybody knows you never go full-retard. The whistles were "put away" and they were "allowed to play" including allowing Matt Cooke to slash an Ottawa D-man in the face while he was playing the puck and Tyler Kennedy sandwiching two cross-checks to the back between a pair of two-handed slashes to another Ottawa player without penalties during the third period with the Senators trailing 1-0. Welcome to Bettman's NHL.
The Chickenhawks have been crying about the calls so expect Li'l Gary's refs to listen. Expect a handful of decapitations tonight on the Wings without penalties being called. It's just Fissix and you should be used to it by now. But also expect Uncle Mike to give Quenneville fits with his line combinations and head-to-head matchups tonight with the last line change in hand. While Quenneville has one more playoff victory than Uncle Mike in his career, there will be parity between them at the end of the game tonight, guaranteed. Of course when you look at their respective trophy cabinets, and the fact Q has never beaten Babcock in a playoff series, any discussion of parity is quickly forgotten.
11 to 12, bitches.
Toews... don't be scared, homie.
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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org