Abel to Yzerman
by IwoCPO on 02/10/12 at 08:30 PM ET
1000’s a nice round number. A hefty ditty to point to for anyone, really. But when you consider the abuse that’s accompanied all 1000 games Tomas Holmstrom’s played in a Red Wing uniform, it’s astounding.
Our boy Homer was, to beckon Bullet Bob, a little too tall and he could have used a few pounds when he first came up. He couldn’t skate, couldn’t shoot, definitely couldn’t play a lick of defense. But he had something and the greatest hockey mind in the history of the greatest game ever ruined by a leather-clad ball in the mouth dwarf saw it. Oh, we’ve read and we assume how badly Scott Bowman tormented our linguistically challenged mucker. But none of us will really ever know because to guess what went on in either of those minds, or in that room is just silly. We’ll never know.
So we’ve only been able to judge Homer by what we’ve seen. And we’ve seen plenty. We’ve seen enough to know that 1000 is a paltry number when you consider that in each one of those games he’s taken at least twenty chops to the shins, twenty more to the calves, twenty to the lower back and more than a few to the bad places, just on the power play alone. And that’s all we’re gonna say about the power play right now.
We know he’s been targeted by the likes of a Sasquatch physics major, a sociopathic freak show in Dallas who allegedly offered Homer 1 Billion dollars to just please for the sake of Christ get that ass out of his face for one single solitary minute. And when it was clear to Psycho Ed Belfour that the ass wasn’t going anywhere, he’d wait for that perfect moment. Stick in place, hovering, waiting. Then a ferocious lift to a Swedish sack. But no matter how many times Belfour went Swedish yam hunting, there was Homer. Right back in front, Ass in place.
Overrated dicks like Derian Hatcher and Hal Gill and Adam Foote slashed every bit of him. Butchered him. Blasted him. And simply couldn’t move him because Homer’s just too damn stubborn. Not only does he possess a magnificent ass, the ass of asses, a piece of Swedish ass millions would kill for. But he’s also…an ass. A stubborn donkey of a son of a bitch who’s refused to yield for 1000 games.
Somebody’s out there. One of you maybe. Someone’s counted them…the number of goals Gary Bettman has stolen from the Red Wings because Tomas Holmstrom wears Red and White. Hundreds. Replays haven’t been kind to Toby Tyler, boy commish, over the years. The replays have continued to exonerate our Swedish Ass. His skates have been clear of the blue so many times that the frustration on our part has turned to seething resignation. Screwing Homer has been a Bettman-mandated pastime for officials for so long that it’s just accepted. But there he stayed. Just outside the blue stuff, tempting fate every shift.
And you’d think at some point, at game 6 or 7 or 8 hundred, somebody would have pulled that bastard aside and said enough’s enough Homer. Enough of the abuse. Enough wood to the back, the calves, the ankles, nuts and shins. Rest easy big fella. Well, if anyone said it Homer wasn’t listening or, more likely, he just didn’t understand what the Hell they were saying.
There’s no way anyone in hockey history has taken the amount and the ferocity of abuse Tomas Holmstrom has. But, out he came, almost every game, every fourth shift, playing for the most magnificent pro sports team in the world.
By my estimation, we’ve live blogged about 600 games that featured the greatest Ass in Red Wing history. Sorry Karen, but it’s true.
And tonite’s 1000. An amazing accomplishment for any man. A frigging miracle when you consider the toll each game has taken on his body.
Here’s to Homer. It’s a Live Blog, bitches.
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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org