Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

That Is One Grand Ass

1000’s a nice round number.  A hefty ditty to point to for anyone, really.  But when you consider the abuse that’s accompanied all 1000 games Tomas Holmstrom’s played in a Red Wing uniform, it’s astounding.

Our boy Homer was, to beckon Bullet Bob, a little too tall and he could have used a few pounds when he first came up.  He couldn’t skate, couldn’t shoot, definitely couldn’t play a lick of defense.  But he had something and the greatest hockey mind in the history of the greatest game ever ruined by a leather-clad ball in the mouth dwarf saw it.  Oh, we’ve read and we assume how badly Scott Bowman tormented our linguistically challenged mucker.  But none of us will really ever know because to guess what went on in either of those minds, or in that room is just silly.  We’ll never know.

So we’ve only been able to judge Homer by what we’ve seen.  And we’ve seen plenty.  We’ve seen enough to know that 1000 is a paltry number when you consider that in each one of those games he’s taken at least twenty chops to the shins, twenty more to the calves, twenty to the lower back and more than a few to the bad places, just on the power play alone.  And that’s all we’re gonna say about the power play right now.

We know he’s been targeted by the likes of a Sasquatch physics major, a sociopathic freak show in Dallas who allegedly offered Homer 1 Billion dollars to just please for the sake of Christ get that ass out of his face for one single solitary minute. And when it was clear to Psycho Ed Belfour that the ass wasn’t going anywhere, he’d wait for that perfect moment.  Stick in place, hovering, waiting. Then a ferocious lift to a Swedish sack.  But no matter how many times Belfour went Swedish yam hunting, there was Homer. Right back in front, Ass in place. 

Overrated dicks like Derian Hatcher and Hal Gill and Adam Foote slashed every bit of him. Butchered him. Blasted him. And simply couldn’t move him because Homer’s just too damn stubborn. Not only does he possess a magnificent ass, the ass of asses, a piece of Swedish ass millions would kill for. But he’s also…an ass.  A stubborn donkey of a son of a bitch who’s refused to yield for 1000 games.

Somebody’s out there. One of you maybe. Someone’s counted them…the number of goals Gary Bettman has stolen from the Red Wings because Tomas Holmstrom wears Red and White.  Hundreds.  Replays haven’t been kind to Toby Tyler, boy commish, over the years.  The replays have continued to exonerate our Swedish Ass.  His skates have been clear of the blue so many times that the frustration on our part has turned to seething resignation.  Screwing Homer has been a Bettman-mandated pastime for officials for so long that it’s just accepted.  But there he stayed.  Just outside the blue stuff, tempting fate every shift. 

And you’d think at some point, at game 6 or 7 or 8 hundred, somebody would have pulled that bastard aside and said enough’s enough Homer. Enough of the abuse.  Enough wood to the back, the calves, the ankles, nuts and shins.  Rest easy big fella.  Well, if anyone said it Homer wasn’t listening or, more likely, he just didn’t understand what the Hell they were saying. 

There’s no way anyone in hockey history has taken the amount and the ferocity of abuse Tomas Holmstrom has.  But, out he came, almost every game, every fourth shift, playing for the most magnificent pro sports team in the world.

By my estimation, we’ve live blogged about 600 games that featured the greatest Ass in Red Wing history.  Sorry Karen, but it’s true. 

And tonite’s 1000.  An amazing accomplishment for any man.  A frigging miracle when you consider the toll each game has taken on his body.

Here’s to Homer.  It’s a Live Blog, bitches.

Filed in: | Abel to Yzerman | Permalink
 

Comments

« Previous       ‹ First  < 10 11 12 13 >       Next »

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

boom boom boom

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/11/12 at 01:22 AM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Unibomber!

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/11/12 at 01:22 AM ET

42jeff's avatar

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/11/12 at 01:22 AM ET

monkey's avatar

HHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 01:22 AM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

19

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/11/12 at 01:22 AM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

19 the hard way -

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/11/12 at 01:22 AM ET

calquake's avatar

First star of the game… JMAC.

Posted by calquake on 02/11/12 at 01:22 AM ET

Rumbear's avatar

JF-MAC!!!!!

Yeeeeeeaaaah Bouy!!!

Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, hanging with Dan Cleary.... on 02/11/12 at 01:22 AM ET

Little Redhead's avatar

Woo Hoo Beautiful BERT!

Posted by Little Redhead from the Engineer's chair on 02/11/12 at 01:22 AM ET

42jeff's avatar

I told you guys I liked the look of that 19 today…

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/11/12 at 01:22 AM ET

Nate A's avatar

Wow. Everyone missing the net tonite. But 2 points, I’ll take it.

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/11/12 at 01:22 AM ET

Gary A$$ SUCK !!'s avatar

YIHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA JOEY JOEY

Posted by Gary A$$ SUCK !! from Fort Myers, Florida on 02/11/12 at 01:22 AM ET

monkey's avatar

19

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 01:23 AM ET

VooX's avatar

19 games.  J-Mac first star.  Hudler no make me happy.  Ciao, bitches.

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 02/11/12 at 01:23 AM ET

Little Redhead's avatar

JMAC - 19 straight WINS at the Joe-Totally Awesome!

WINGS ROCK!!!!!

Posted by Little Redhead from the Engineer's chair on 02/11/12 at 01:23 AM ET

bezukov's avatar

What a win.  19 straight for the 19!

Posted by bezukov from the kids are alright. on 02/11/12 at 01:23 AM ET

mrfluffy's avatar

If this team had some heart it wouldn’t have come to this crap.

But ok…2 points is 2 points…the neighbor’s cat lives on…

Posted by mrfluffy from A wide spot on I-90 in Montana on 02/11/12 at 01:23 AM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

First star of the game… JMAC.
Second star of the game . . . JMAC
Third star of the game . . .JMAC

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/11/12 at 01:23 AM ET

monkey's avatar

Wow.  They pulled that victory out of their asses.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 01:23 AM ET

WestWing's avatar

The fuching shootout.  Of all the crazy fuching shit.  The only time our top line makes any kind of imact at all any more—the shootout.  Amazing.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/11/12 at 01:23 AM ET

TheRealYooper's avatar

Olay feckin a. jmac

Posted by TheRealYooper from within sight of the edge of the Earth. on 02/11/12 at 01:24 AM ET

monkey's avatar

Good on JMac for proving me wrong.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 01:24 AM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

First star of the game… JMAC.
Second star of the game . . . JMAC
Third star of the game . . .JMAC

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 10:23 PM ET

 

THIS

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/11/12 at 01:24 AM ET

redxblack's avatar

19 feels good.

Has anyone seen Franzen? I could have sworn he was supposed to be playing tonight.

Posted by redxblack from Akron Ohio on 02/11/12 at 01:24 AM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

19! For the 19!  And Homer! The streak is alive!

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/11/12 at 01:25 AM ET

mrfluffy's avatar

Who’s the broad Bert goosed on the way out?

Posted by mrfluffy from A wide spot on I-90 in Montana on 02/11/12 at 01:25 AM ET

Little Redhead's avatar

Good Night, ya all stay warm, and enjoy your weekend.

Posted by Little Redhead from the Engineer's chair on 02/11/12 at 01:25 AM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Totally undeserved, but a win is a win

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/11/12 at 01:25 AM ET

RWBill's avatar

I love Bert.  What a game by Joey.

Posted by RWBill from cruising Brush Street with creepy Rob Lowe. on 02/11/12 at 01:25 AM ET

Rumbear's avatar

19 wins!

Suck it DuhUcks!

Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, hanging with Dan Cleary.... on 02/11/12 at 01:25 AM ET

calquake's avatar

Wow.  They pulled that victory out of their asses.

Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 02/10/12 at 10:23 PM ET

I thought I smelled something.

Posted by calquake on 02/11/12 at 01:26 AM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Posted by 42jeff from Minot, North Dakota on 02/10/12 at 10:21 PM ET

+19. +19. +13. +44.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/11/12 at 01:27 AM ET

RWBill's avatar

Fuching NHL pulls plug on broadcast right away. Got it up on freeredwings now.

Posted by RWBill from cruising Brush Street with creepy Rob Lowe. on 02/11/12 at 01:27 AM ET

Rumbear's avatar

DuhUck announcers are in a pissy mood. Crackin aboot the D on an open mike.

Screw em.

Off to the tub for some R&R ...

Night all!

Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, hanging with Dan Cleary.... on 02/11/12 at 01:28 AM ET

dougie's avatar

37-17-2

Maybe the glass is half full, eh gang?

Posted by dougie on 02/11/12 at 01:28 AM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

So has JMac earned a shot at being a bonafied backup for the Wings?  Or do they still look for a backup before the deadline?

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/11/12 at 01:28 AM ET

WestWing's avatar

One huge positive to take from this game—they won it with the PK.  7 for 7.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/11/12 at 01:29 AM ET

calquake's avatar

37-17-2

Maybe the glass is half full, eh gang?

Posted by dougie on 02/10/12 at 10:28 PM ET

Not if you’ve been anywhere near it. cheese

Posted by calquake on 02/11/12 at 01:29 AM ET

42jeff's avatar

So has JMac earned a shot at being a bonafied backup for the Wings?  Or do they still look for a backup before the deadline?

Posted by ITDeuce from The Land of Ice and Snow on 02/10/12 at 10:28 PM ET

Granted it was against the Duhucks…but I think a couple more games like this and Conks had better start sending out some resumes.

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/11/12 at 01:30 AM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Not if you’ve been anywhere near it. cheese

Posted by calquake on 02/10/12 at 10:29 PM ET

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/11/12 at 01:30 AM ET

« Previous       ‹ First  < 10 11 12 13 >       Next »

Add a Comment

Please limit embedded image or media size to 575 pixels wide.

Add your own avatar by joining Kukla's Korner, or logging in and uploading one in your member control panel.

Captchas bug you? Join KK or log in and you won't have to bother.

Smileys

Notify me of follow-up comments?

Feed

Most Recent Blog Posts

About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com