Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

That Is One Grand Ass

1000’s a nice round number.  A hefty ditty to point to for anyone, really.  But when you consider the abuse that’s accompanied all 1000 games Tomas Holmstrom’s played in a Red Wing uniform, it’s astounding.

Our boy Homer was, to beckon Bullet Bob, a little too tall and he could have used a few pounds when he first came up.  He couldn’t skate, couldn’t shoot, definitely couldn’t play a lick of defense.  But he had something and the greatest hockey mind in the history of the greatest game ever ruined by a leather-clad ball in the mouth dwarf saw it.  Oh, we’ve read and we assume how badly Scott Bowman tormented our linguistically challenged mucker.  But none of us will really ever know because to guess what went on in either of those minds, or in that room is just silly.  We’ll never know.

So we’ve only been able to judge Homer by what we’ve seen.  And we’ve seen plenty.  We’ve seen enough to know that 1000 is a paltry number when you consider that in each one of those games he’s taken at least twenty chops to the shins, twenty more to the calves, twenty to the lower back and more than a few to the bad places, just on the power play alone.  And that’s all we’re gonna say about the power play right now.

We know he’s been targeted by the likes of a Sasquatch physics major, a sociopathic freak show in Dallas who allegedly offered Homer 1 Billion dollars to just please for the sake of Christ get that ass out of his face for one single solitary minute. And when it was clear to Psycho Ed Belfour that the ass wasn’t going anywhere, he’d wait for that perfect moment.  Stick in place, hovering, waiting. Then a ferocious lift to a Swedish sack.  But no matter how many times Belfour went Swedish yam hunting, there was Homer. Right back in front, Ass in place. 

Overrated dicks like Derian Hatcher and Hal Gill and Adam Foote slashed every bit of him. Butchered him. Blasted him. And simply couldn’t move him because Homer’s just too damn stubborn. Not only does he possess a magnificent ass, the ass of asses, a piece of Swedish ass millions would kill for. But he’s also…an ass.  A stubborn donkey of a son of a bitch who’s refused to yield for 1000 games.

Somebody’s out there. One of you maybe. Someone’s counted them…the number of goals Gary Bettman has stolen from the Red Wings because Tomas Holmstrom wears Red and White.  Hundreds.  Replays haven’t been kind to Toby Tyler, boy commish, over the years.  The replays have continued to exonerate our Swedish Ass.  His skates have been clear of the blue so many times that the frustration on our part has turned to seething resignation.  Screwing Homer has been a Bettman-mandated pastime for officials for so long that it’s just accepted.  But there he stayed.  Just outside the blue stuff, tempting fate every shift. 

And you’d think at some point, at game 6 or 7 or 8 hundred, somebody would have pulled that bastard aside and said enough’s enough Homer. Enough of the abuse.  Enough wood to the back, the calves, the ankles, nuts and shins.  Rest easy big fella.  Well, if anyone said it Homer wasn’t listening or, more likely, he just didn’t understand what the Hell they were saying. 

There’s no way anyone in hockey history has taken the amount and the ferocity of abuse Tomas Holmstrom has.  But, out he came, almost every game, every fourth shift, playing for the most magnificent pro sports team in the world.

By my estimation, we’ve live blogged about 600 games that featured the greatest Ass in Red Wing history.  Sorry Karen, but it’s true. 

And tonite’s 1000.  An amazing accomplishment for any man.  A frigging miracle when you consider the toll each game has taken on his body.

Here’s to Homer.  It’s a Live Blog, bitches.

Filed in: | Abel to Yzerman | Permalink
 

Comments

« Previous        < 1 2 3 4 >  Last ›      Next »

TheRealYooper's avatar

ken kal out with laryngitis.

Posted by TheRealYooper from within sight of the edge of the Earth. on 02/10/12 at 10:39 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

So you’re putting the beer through a second filtration process?  I respect your dedication sir.

Whats up bitches?  LGRW.

Ughh… NHLnet picked up the game tonight… if I get stuck watching the Ducks broadcast I’m gonna go on a rampage.

Posted by bezukov from South of Detroit on 02/10/12 at 07:34 PM ET

Couldn’t get any worse.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 10:40 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Fairy crashes into the boards.

Damn.  He got up.

Posted by SYF from Zata's Epic Viking Beard on 02/10/12 at 10:41 PM ET

Nate A's avatar

I’m in. And i’ll take Bobby Ryan in a Red Wing uniform at the trade deadline please.

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/10/12 at 10:41 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

Well, scratch Perry as a deadline pickup. Bad ankle now.

Posted by RWBill from the open bar on The Hasek. on 02/10/12 at 10:42 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Nice play by Kindl there.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 10:42 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Yak - clanck

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 10:42 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

I like Mursak, but I was really hoping to see the Rifleman.  I think he’d be good for the pk of death.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 10:44 PM ET

Nate A's avatar

Heh, the idea of Homer as the playmaker on a line will never fail to amuse me.

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/10/12 at 10:44 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Did I ever say how much I despise the “drop pass”

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 10:44 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Bert always sits the bench minors.  Kinda funny.  He looks at home there.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 10:45 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Wings on the PK.

One Too Many Men.  wELL dONE, wINGS.  fABULOUS sTART.

Posted by SYF from Zata's Epic Viking Beard on 02/10/12 at 10:45 PM ET

bezukov's avatar

I think we may have Boobs Behind Babcock.

Posted by bezukov from the kids are alright. on 02/10/12 at 10:45 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Did I ever say how much I despise the “drop pass”

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 07:44 PM ET

It worth repeating in this case because it’s sooo true.

Posted by SYF from Zata's Epic Viking Beard on 02/10/12 at 10:46 PM ET

Little Redhead's avatar

Evening All!  Nice to hear from you Chief!

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Little Redhead from the Engineer's chair on 02/10/12 at 10:46 PM ET

Nate A's avatar

Stu plays netminder again?

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/10/12 at 10:47 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

I like the Yak, he shoots the damn puck.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 10:48 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Nice Whitey

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 10:49 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

PK. first bullet of the evening doged.  Anyone else notice who did a pretty good job of standing up on the blue line on the Duh-ucks’ attempt to enter the zone there?

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/10/12 at 10:49 PM ET

Nate A's avatar

Pavel still with nuthin…ugh

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/10/12 at 10:50 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Great pass by Mule and Dangles misfired.

So close.

Posted by SYF from Zata's Epic Viking Beard on 02/10/12 at 10:50 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

great set up.  Good play Mule

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 10:50 PM ET

Avatar

PK. first bullet of the evening doged.  Anyone else notice who did a pretty good job of standing up on the blue line on the Duh-ucks’ attempt to enter the zone there?

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/10/12 at 07:49 PM ET

He actually looked to have a bit of an edge to him on that kill.  Looked ornery

Posted by Valek from Chicago on 02/10/12 at 10:51 PM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Dangle will score tonite.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/10/12 at 10:51 PM ET

cigar_nurse's avatar

Pavs needs some new sights on the reebok stick.

Posted by cigar_nurse from Greenville South Cakalakee on 02/10/12 at 10:51 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

7.6 on the duck behind the net

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 10:51 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Belesky diving like a Dive.

Posted by SYF from Zata's Epic Viking Beard on 02/10/12 at 10:52 PM ET

mrfluffy's avatar

Cheap SOB.

Posted by mrfluffy from Long Beach on 02/10/12 at 10:52 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Gator with the good “D”

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 10:52 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Bert for Vezina?

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 10:54 PM ET

Nate A's avatar

Bert and Mac combine to prevent a goal.

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/10/12 at 10:54 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Bert tieing up his man in front of the net too.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 10:54 PM ET

Little Redhead's avatar

Lets Go Red Wings!!!

Posted by Little Redhead from the Engineer's chair on 02/10/12 at 10:54 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Kronner nearly had a massive hit.  Pulled back.

Posted by SYF from Zata's Epic Viking Beard on 02/10/12 at 10:54 PM ET

Little Redhead's avatar

Ah Daughter who attends college, 6 hours away, just walked in, guess we will be working on her taxes this weekend tongue rolleye

Posted by Little Redhead from the Engineer's chair on 02/10/12 at 10:55 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Wings on the PK again.  Living dangerously.

Posted by SYF from Zata's Epic Viking Beard on 02/10/12 at 10:56 PM ET

bezukov's avatar

Wings are getting short end from the refs in this one.

Posted by bezukov from the kids are alright. on 02/10/12 at 10:56 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

Can’t imagine what a shit call this will be against Detroit.  Guess we’ll find out for sure when they come back from commercial, but my gut tells me it’s gonna be utter horseshit.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/10/12 at 10:57 PM ET

calquake's avatar

Hola Bitches.  WTF I’m stuck with the Dicks announcers… anyone have a spare set of knitting needles so I can puncture my eardrums?

Posted by calquake on 02/10/12 at 10:57 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Homer!!!!!!

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 10:58 PM ET

« Previous        < 1 2 3 4 >  Last ›      Next »

Add a Comment

Please limit embedded image or media size to 575 pixels wide.

Add your own avatar by joining Kukla's Korner, or logging in and uploading one in your member control panel.

Captchas bug you? Join KK or log in and you won't have to bother.

Smileys

Notify me of follow-up comments?

Feed

Most Recent Blog Posts

About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com