Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

That Is One Grand Ass

1000’s a nice round number.  A hefty ditty to point to for anyone, really.  But when you consider the abuse that’s accompanied all 1000 games Tomas Holmstrom’s played in a Red Wing uniform, it’s astounding.

Our boy Homer was, to beckon Bullet Bob, a little too tall and he could have used a few pounds when he first came up.  He couldn’t skate, couldn’t shoot, definitely couldn’t play a lick of defense.  But he had something and the greatest hockey mind in the history of the greatest game ever ruined by a leather-clad ball in the mouth dwarf saw it.  Oh, we’ve read and we assume how badly Scott Bowman tormented our linguistically challenged mucker.  But none of us will really ever know because to guess what went on in either of those minds, or in that room is just silly.  We’ll never know.

So we’ve only been able to judge Homer by what we’ve seen.  And we’ve seen plenty.  We’ve seen enough to know that 1000 is a paltry number when you consider that in each one of those games he’s taken at least twenty chops to the shins, twenty more to the calves, twenty to the lower back and more than a few to the bad places, just on the power play alone.  And that’s all we’re gonna say about the power play right now.

We know he’s been targeted by the likes of a Sasquatch physics major, a sociopathic freak show in Dallas who allegedly offered Homer 1 Billion dollars to just please for the sake of Christ get that ass out of his face for one single solitary minute. And when it was clear to Psycho Ed Belfour that the ass wasn’t going anywhere, he’d wait for that perfect moment.  Stick in place, hovering, waiting. Then a ferocious lift to a Swedish sack.  But no matter how many times Belfour went Swedish yam hunting, there was Homer. Right back in front, Ass in place. 

Overrated dicks like Derian Hatcher and Hal Gill and Adam Foote slashed every bit of him. Butchered him. Blasted him. And simply couldn’t move him because Homer’s just too damn stubborn. Not only does he possess a magnificent ass, the ass of asses, a piece of Swedish ass millions would kill for. But he’s also…an ass.  A stubborn donkey of a son of a bitch who’s refused to yield for 1000 games.

Somebody’s out there. One of you maybe. Someone’s counted them…the number of goals Gary Bettman has stolen from the Red Wings because Tomas Holmstrom wears Red and White.  Hundreds.  Replays haven’t been kind to Toby Tyler, boy commish, over the years.  The replays have continued to exonerate our Swedish Ass.  His skates have been clear of the blue so many times that the frustration on our part has turned to seething resignation.  Screwing Homer has been a Bettman-mandated pastime for officials for so long that it’s just accepted.  But there he stayed.  Just outside the blue stuff, tempting fate every shift. 

And you’d think at some point, at game 6 or 7 or 8 hundred, somebody would have pulled that bastard aside and said enough’s enough Homer. Enough of the abuse.  Enough wood to the back, the calves, the ankles, nuts and shins.  Rest easy big fella.  Well, if anyone said it Homer wasn’t listening or, more likely, he just didn’t understand what the Hell they were saying. 

There’s no way anyone in hockey history has taken the amount and the ferocity of abuse Tomas Holmstrom has.  But, out he came, almost every game, every fourth shift, playing for the most magnificent pro sports team in the world.

By my estimation, we’ve live blogged about 600 games that featured the greatest Ass in Red Wing history.  Sorry Karen, but it’s true. 

And tonite’s 1000.  An amazing accomplishment for any man.  A frigging miracle when you consider the toll each game has taken on his body.

Here’s to Homer.  It’s a Live Blog, bitches.

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Comments

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42jeff's avatar

utter horse shit

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/11/12 at 01:08 AM ET

mrfluffy's avatar

*#$%@& O’Halloran.

Posted by mrfluffy from A wide spot on I-90 in Montana on 02/11/12 at 01:09 AM ET

monkey's avatar

I blame Babcock.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 01:09 AM ET

Nate A's avatar

Wow Pavel

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/11/12 at 01:09 AM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

I Hart Pasha!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/11/12 at 01:09 AM ET

Rumbear's avatar

Pavs…was he raped or was that just some good olde fashioned jail sex?

Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, doing the prospect shuffle.... on 02/11/12 at 01:09 AM ET

VooX's avatar

Dangle made my pants tight.

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 02/11/12 at 01:09 AM ET

mrfluffy's avatar

Whoa really?

Posted by mrfluffy from A wide spot on I-90 in Montana on 02/11/12 at 01:09 AM ET

monkey's avatar

DATSYUK

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 01:09 AM ET

42jeff's avatar

holy freakin datsyuk…I just spilled my coffee all over my keyboard

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/11/12 at 01:10 AM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

What? no penalty shot?

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/11/12 at 01:10 AM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Pavel saves the bacon for the time being

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/11/12 at 01:10 AM ET

dougie's avatar

It’s the “Dan O’Halloren Show”

Somebody need to shoot this guys dog.

Posted by dougie on 02/11/12 at 01:10 AM ET

calquake's avatar

Two streaks on the line here.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/10/12 at 10:08 PM ET

And one of them is in my underware.

Posted by calquake on 02/11/12 at 01:10 AM ET

Nate A's avatar

Jmac is a keeper

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/11/12 at 01:10 AM ET

VooX's avatar

And J-Mac just made my pants tighter.

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 02/11/12 at 01:11 AM ET

Rumbear's avatar

J F Mac!!

Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, doing the prospect shuffle.... on 02/11/12 at 01:11 AM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

JMac - - unreal

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/11/12 at 01:11 AM ET

monkey's avatar

Somebody need to shoot this guys dog.

What… what did the dog do?  Shouldn’t we rescue the dog?  Find him a real home?

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 01:11 AM ET

VooX's avatar

3-on-3 was a great variant when they tried it out at Shanny’s Jig a couple of years ago.

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 02/11/12 at 01:11 AM ET

Nate A's avatar

Refs love their whistles tonite. Jeebus.

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/11/12 at 01:11 AM ET

WestWing's avatar

How the fuch is that not a penalty shot?????

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/11/12 at 01:11 AM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

It’s the “Dan O’Halloren Show”

Somebody need to shoot this guys dog.

Posted by dougie on 02/10/12 at 10:10 PM ET

HEY NOW.  Dog’s are allllllllllllllllllright.

 


Cocksukker.  In what world is that not a penalty shot?

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/11/12 at 01:12 AM ET

monkey's avatar

And one of them is in my underware.

Murph is an expert on dirty undies.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 01:12 AM ET

42jeff's avatar

good grief

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/11/12 at 01:12 AM ET

VooX's avatar

Filpulla scores.  Unfortunately not with the puck.  How do you serve a penalty two men down already with so little left on the clock?  What a dirty play taking out his knees like that.

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 02/11/12 at 01:12 AM ET

Rumbear's avatar

DO THIS!!!!

LGRW !!!!!

Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, doing the prospect shuffle.... on 02/11/12 at 01:12 AM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Clearly a penalty shot should have been called.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/11/12 at 01:12 AM ET

42jeff's avatar

What a freakin time for my feed to die

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/11/12 at 01:12 AM ET

Nate A's avatar

That really should’ve been a penalty shot.

After that 40 seconds, i do not want to see 3x3 as a standard ever.

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/11/12 at 01:13 AM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Kronwall - - damn you

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/11/12 at 01:14 AM ET

VooX's avatar

After that 40 seconds, i do not want to see 3x3 as a standard ever.

Posted by Nate A

Less shoot-outs.

5-3 Whiskey Dick Circle Jerk PP.

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 02/11/12 at 01:14 AM ET

42jeff's avatar

balllzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/11/12 at 01:14 AM ET

monkey's avatar

HOly cripes…

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 01:14 AM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Fuching gimmick peice of shit.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/11/12 at 01:14 AM ET

Rumbear's avatar

Two shots.  2 shots. TWO.  2 frickin shots on the PP!

Where’s my facepalm?

Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, doing the prospect shuffle.... on 02/11/12 at 01:14 AM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

5-3 Whiskey Dick Circle Jerk PP.

amen, preacherman

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/11/12 at 01:15 AM ET

mrfluffy's avatar

How many years were these coaches given contracts for?

Posted by mrfluffy from A wide spot on I-90 in Montana on 02/11/12 at 01:15 AM ET

monkey's avatar

Skillz comp.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 01:15 AM ET

WestWing's avatar

The Streak ends at 15.  I honestly didn’t think the PK of Death could be stopped.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/11/12 at 01:15 AM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com