Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

That Is One Grand Ass

1000’s a nice round number.  A hefty ditty to point to for anyone, really.  But when you consider the abuse that’s accompanied all 1000 games Tomas Holmstrom’s played in a Red Wing uniform, it’s astounding.

Our boy Homer was, to beckon Bullet Bob, a little too tall and he could have used a few pounds when he first came up.  He couldn’t skate, couldn’t shoot, definitely couldn’t play a lick of defense.  But he had something and the greatest hockey mind in the history of the greatest game ever ruined by a leather-clad ball in the mouth dwarf saw it.  Oh, we’ve read and we assume how badly Scott Bowman tormented our linguistically challenged mucker.  But none of us will really ever know because to guess what went on in either of those minds, or in that room is just silly.  We’ll never know.

So we’ve only been able to judge Homer by what we’ve seen.  And we’ve seen plenty.  We’ve seen enough to know that 1000 is a paltry number when you consider that in each one of those games he’s taken at least twenty chops to the shins, twenty more to the calves, twenty to the lower back and more than a few to the bad places, just on the power play alone.  And that’s all we’re gonna say about the power play right now.

We know he’s been targeted by the likes of a Sasquatch physics major, a sociopathic freak show in Dallas who allegedly offered Homer 1 Billion dollars to just please for the sake of Christ get that ass out of his face for one single solitary minute. And when it was clear to Psycho Ed Belfour that the ass wasn’t going anywhere, he’d wait for that perfect moment.  Stick in place, hovering, waiting. Then a ferocious lift to a Swedish sack.  But no matter how many times Belfour went Swedish yam hunting, there was Homer. Right back in front, Ass in place. 

Overrated dicks like Derian Hatcher and Hal Gill and Adam Foote slashed every bit of him. Butchered him. Blasted him. And simply couldn’t move him because Homer’s just too damn stubborn. Not only does he possess a magnificent ass, the ass of asses, a piece of Swedish ass millions would kill for. But he’s also…an ass.  A stubborn donkey of a son of a bitch who’s refused to yield for 1000 games.

Somebody’s out there. One of you maybe. Someone’s counted them…the number of goals Gary Bettman has stolen from the Red Wings because Tomas Holmstrom wears Red and White.  Hundreds.  Replays haven’t been kind to Toby Tyler, boy commish, over the years.  The replays have continued to exonerate our Swedish Ass.  His skates have been clear of the blue so many times that the frustration on our part has turned to seething resignation.  Screwing Homer has been a Bettman-mandated pastime for officials for so long that it’s just accepted.  But there he stayed.  Just outside the blue stuff, tempting fate every shift. 

And you’d think at some point, at game 6 or 7 or 8 hundred, somebody would have pulled that bastard aside and said enough’s enough Homer. Enough of the abuse.  Enough wood to the back, the calves, the ankles, nuts and shins.  Rest easy big fella.  Well, if anyone said it Homer wasn’t listening or, more likely, he just didn’t understand what the Hell they were saying. 

There’s no way anyone in hockey history has taken the amount and the ferocity of abuse Tomas Holmstrom has.  But, out he came, almost every game, every fourth shift, playing for the most magnificent pro sports team in the world.

By my estimation, we’ve live blogged about 600 games that featured the greatest Ass in Red Wing history.  Sorry Karen, but it’s true. 

And tonite’s 1000.  An amazing accomplishment for any man.  A frigging miracle when you consider the toll each game has taken on his body.

Here’s to Homer.  It’s a Live Blog, bitches.

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Comments

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calquake's avatar

Another one of those games, eh?

Posted by 42jeff from Minot, North Dakota on 02/10/12 at 09:07 PM ET

At least three posts by the Wings tonight.

Posted by calquake on 02/11/12 at 12:08 AM ET

dougie's avatar

Bud Light Platinum?

Uh, not so much. I’m one of those micro brew beer-snob kinda dipshits that everybody hates.

Posted by dougie on 02/11/12 at 12:09 AM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

At least three posts by the Wings tonight.

Posted by calquake on 02/10/12 at 09:08 PM ET

I call Dangle, to kill the snake that bit him.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/11/12 at 12:10 AM ET

calquake's avatar

Uh, not so much. I’m one of those micro brew beer-snob kinda dipshits that everybody hates.

Posted by dougie on 02/10/12 at 09:09 PM ET

Are you my brother-in-law?

Posted by calquake on 02/11/12 at 12:11 AM ET

Primis's avatar

*sigh*

This one has “L” written all over it.  DET should be carrying the play more, but aren’t.  They’re making boatloads of defensive miscues.  And most of the guys on the top 2 lines aren’t really engaged in or with the game it seems.

Can i say though?  Joey Mac has been good past two games.  Took him a bit to get into stride, but he’s what a backup should be.

I wonder if Conklin has any trade value at all….  Columbus?

Posted by Primis on 02/11/12 at 12:11 AM ET

monkey's avatar

I’m one of those micro brew beer-snob kinda dipshits that everybody hates.

Fashionista, metrosexual, witmaster, beer snob.  Is there anything you don’t do?

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 12:12 AM ET

monkey's avatar

What sort of Bizarro world do we live in where Tomas Holmstrom can draw a goaltender interference penalty?

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 12:13 AM ET

dougie's avatar

Are you my brother-in-law?

Is your sister hot?

Posted by dougie on 02/11/12 at 12:13 AM ET

calquake's avatar

  I’m one of those micro brew beer-snob kinda dipshits that everybody hates.

Fashionista, metrosexual, witmaster, beer snob.  Is there anything you don’t do?

Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 02/10/12 at 09:12 PM ET

I’m guessing… washing the dishes.

Posted by calquake on 02/11/12 at 12:13 AM ET

dougie's avatar

Fashionista, metrosexual, witmaster, beer snob.  Is there anything you don’t do?

Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 02/10/12 at 09:12 PM ET

Dick

Posted by dougie on 02/11/12 at 12:14 AM ET

cigar_nurse's avatar

Dougie is also a pickle boat nabob don’t you know.

Posted by cigar_nurse from Greenville South Cakalakee on 02/11/12 at 12:17 AM ET

WestWing's avatar

What sort of Bizarro world do we live in where Tomas Holmstrom can draw a goaltender interference penalty?

I’m sure it was just a reflex reaction by O’Halloran—he saw Homer tossed into a goalie and the arm just automatically goes up

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/11/12 at 12:17 AM ET

TheRealYooper's avatar

SOG after two 16-16

Posted by TheRealYooper from within sight of the edge of the Earth. on 02/11/12 at 12:17 AM ET

calquake's avatar

Is your sister hot?

Posted by dougie on 02/10/12 at 09:13 PM ET

Yes but I think it’s menopause.

Posted by calquake on 02/11/12 at 12:18 AM ET

dougie's avatar

Gretsky interview= BORING

Posted by dougie on 02/11/12 at 12:19 AM ET

monkey's avatar

I’m sure it was just a reflex reaction by O’Halloran—he saw Homer tossed into a goalie and the arm just automatically goes up

I was wondering about that.  He did look discombobulated when he made the call.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 12:20 AM ET

monkey's avatar

Dick

Damn.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 12:20 AM ET

WestWing's avatar

I was wondering about that.  He did look discombobulated when he made the call.

First the penalty call, then the waiving off of the goal—it all seemed so natural, so automatic, as though he’s done it a thousand times before—and then, he realised what he’d done.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/11/12 at 12:23 AM ET

monkey's avatar

“We’ve been on the outside too much.”
                                        —-Mike Babcock

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 12:23 AM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Dude you gotta try the platinum.

JMAC!

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/11/12 at 12:24 AM ET

WestWing's avatar

J Mac—again

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/11/12 at 12:24 AM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

JMac likes his leather too.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/11/12 at 12:24 AM ET

monkey's avatar

Gretsky interview= BORING

He should bring his daughter with him for every interview.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 12:24 AM ET

Nate A's avatar

Dude you gotta try the platinum.

I thought we were into redheads around here?

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/11/12 at 12:25 AM ET

TheRealYooper's avatar

JMac likes his leather too.

but can he use his dong?

Posted by TheRealYooper from within sight of the edge of the Earth. on 02/11/12 at 12:25 AM ET

Little Redhead's avatar

GO WINGS!!!!!

Posted by Little Redhead from the Engineer's chair on 02/11/12 at 12:26 AM ET

monkey's avatar

I bought a case of of bud light platinum and invited a homeless man over.  Gonna be a party.

I’ve been catching up and just found this.  I wish I was there.  Get the homeless guy to puke in my honor.

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 12:27 AM ET

calquake's avatar

Best Wings player tonight so far… JMac.

Posted by calquake on 02/11/12 at 12:27 AM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Errorson has been terrible tonight.

the rest of the Wings haven’t been much better.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/11/12 at 12:27 AM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Ready bitches? Come on.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/11/12 at 12:28 AM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

  Dude you gotta try the platinum.

I thought we were into redheads around here?

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/10/12 at 09:25 PM ET

I’d like to get serious for a moment.  I feel compelled to protect the remaining 18 people who haven’t tried this.  DO NOT BUY THIS SHIT.  IT IS SHIT.  DON’T LET YOUR CURIOSITY GET THE BEST OF YOU.  AGAIN… IT’S SHIT.  Seriously, it’s in a blue bottle how didn’t I know better?

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/11/12 at 12:28 AM ET

WestWing's avatar

Wings playing a textbook road game tonight.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/11/12 at 12:28 AM ET

42jeff's avatar

I thought we were into redheads around here?

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/10/12 at 09:25 PM ET

Hellz yes!

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/11/12 at 12:28 AM ET

VooX's avatar

Evening bitches, just arrived and seeing that the *ucks are still a pain in the ass.  What are you drinking?

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 02/11/12 at 12:29 AM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

  I bought a case of of bud light platinum and invited a homeless man over.  Gonna be a party.

I’ve been catching up and just found this.  I wish I was there.  Get the homeless guy to puke in my honor.

Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 02/10/12 at 09:27 PM ET

He already did.  I bottled it, you’d never tell the difference.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/11/12 at 12:29 AM ET

monkey's avatar

Posted by 42jeff from Minot, North Dakota on 02/10/12 at 09:28 PM ET

Does your friend have a name?

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 12:29 AM ET

monkey's avatar

Evening bitches, just arrived and seeing that the *ucks are still a pain in the ass.  What are you drinking?

Eau de Homeless Drunk

Posted by monkey from Finland on 02/11/12 at 12:30 AM ET

calquake's avatar

Evening bitches, just arrived and seeing that the *ucks are still a pain in the ass.  What are you drinking?

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 02/10/12 at 09:29 PM ET

Cosmic Dust Cocktail for me please.

Posted by calquake on 02/11/12 at 12:31 AM ET

42jeff's avatar

Does your friend have a name?

Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 02/10/12 at 09:29 PM ET

Don’t know…but she callz me “YES….YES….YES…YES….”

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/11/12 at 12:31 AM ET

VooX's avatar

Eau de Homeless Drunk

Some days it just doesn’t pay to roll a hobo out of bed.

Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 02/11/12 at 12:32 AM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com