Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

That Is One Grand Ass

1000’s a nice round number.  A hefty ditty to point to for anyone, really.  But when you consider the abuse that’s accompanied all 1000 games Tomas Holmstrom’s played in a Red Wing uniform, it’s astounding.

Our boy Homer was, to beckon Bullet Bob, a little too tall and he could have used a few pounds when he first came up.  He couldn’t skate, couldn’t shoot, definitely couldn’t play a lick of defense.  But he had something and the greatest hockey mind in the history of the greatest game ever ruined by a leather-clad ball in the mouth dwarf saw it.  Oh, we’ve read and we assume how badly Scott Bowman tormented our linguistically challenged mucker.  But none of us will really ever know because to guess what went on in either of those minds, or in that room is just silly.  We’ll never know.

So we’ve only been able to judge Homer by what we’ve seen.  And we’ve seen plenty.  We’ve seen enough to know that 1000 is a paltry number when you consider that in each one of those games he’s taken at least twenty chops to the shins, twenty more to the calves, twenty to the lower back and more than a few to the bad places, just on the power play alone.  And that’s all we’re gonna say about the power play right now.

We know he’s been targeted by the likes of a Sasquatch physics major, a sociopathic freak show in Dallas who allegedly offered Homer 1 Billion dollars to just please for the sake of Christ get that ass out of his face for one single solitary minute. And when it was clear to Psycho Ed Belfour that the ass wasn’t going anywhere, he’d wait for that perfect moment.  Stick in place, hovering, waiting. Then a ferocious lift to a Swedish sack.  But no matter how many times Belfour went Swedish yam hunting, there was Homer. Right back in front, Ass in place. 

Overrated dicks like Derian Hatcher and Hal Gill and Adam Foote slashed every bit of him. Butchered him. Blasted him. And simply couldn’t move him because Homer’s just too damn stubborn. Not only does he possess a magnificent ass, the ass of asses, a piece of Swedish ass millions would kill for. But he’s also…an ass.  A stubborn donkey of a son of a bitch who’s refused to yield for 1000 games.

Somebody’s out there. One of you maybe. Someone’s counted them…the number of goals Gary Bettman has stolen from the Red Wings because Tomas Holmstrom wears Red and White.  Hundreds.  Replays haven’t been kind to Toby Tyler, boy commish, over the years.  The replays have continued to exonerate our Swedish Ass.  His skates have been clear of the blue so many times that the frustration on our part has turned to seething resignation.  Screwing Homer has been a Bettman-mandated pastime for officials for so long that it’s just accepted.  But there he stayed.  Just outside the blue stuff, tempting fate every shift. 

And you’d think at some point, at game 6 or 7 or 8 hundred, somebody would have pulled that bastard aside and said enough’s enough Homer. Enough of the abuse.  Enough wood to the back, the calves, the ankles, nuts and shins.  Rest easy big fella.  Well, if anyone said it Homer wasn’t listening or, more likely, he just didn’t understand what the Hell they were saying. 

There’s no way anyone in hockey history has taken the amount and the ferocity of abuse Tomas Holmstrom has.  But, out he came, almost every game, every fourth shift, playing for the most magnificent pro sports team in the world.

By my estimation, we’ve live blogged about 600 games that featured the greatest Ass in Red Wing history.  Sorry Karen, but it’s true. 

And tonite’s 1000.  An amazing accomplishment for any man.  A frigging miracle when you consider the toll each game has taken on his body.

Here’s to Homer.  It’s a Live Blog, bitches.

Filed in: | Abel to Yzerman | Permalink
 

Comments

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SYF's avatar

JMac.Tracking.That.Shit.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 10:45 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

Wow, what a horrible shift

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/10/12 at 08:41 PM ET

Maybe the worst of the season—two failed clearning attempts and a penalty

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/10/12 at 10:46 PM ET

Paul's avatar

Will check that out Kate.

We are trying a few different things tonight, I am monitoring the performance tonight, all night!

Posted by Paul from Motown Area on 02/10/12 at 10:46 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Even Ken called out E52.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/10/12 at 08:43 PM ET

This kind of surprised me.  Not saying he’s wrong by any means, but it still surprised me.


Hey, who’s number 40 in white?

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 10:46 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Anyone seen Mule tonight?

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 10:46 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Zata had a nice drive to the net for a good scoring chance.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 10:47 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Abber with some wheels.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 10:48 PM ET

Nate A's avatar

4 wings below the dots. and it didnt bite us in the ass. i like it

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/10/12 at 10:49 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Darren Helm - watching Pavel smile

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 10:49 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Jeebus, God working like a fiend and everyone’s standing around watching himm.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 10:50 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

Anyone seen Mule tonight?

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 08:46 PM ET

Besides when he was tripped on that 4 on 4?

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 02/10/12 at 10:51 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Wally with a… glove… save…

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 10:52 PM ET

SYF's avatar

JMac.  Then Fils saving a goal.  Fine work, gents.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 10:52 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Nice save Wally

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 10:52 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Hey Paul, the performance has been awesome tonight.  Thanks for your efforts.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 10:53 PM ET

Nate A's avatar

Wally will make a nice safety Jan 1 next year.

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/10/12 at 10:53 PM ET

Nate A's avatar

There was mule with a good D play

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/10/12 at 10:55 PM ET

SYF's avatar

JMAC.DENIES.TEEMU.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 10:57 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

JMac - HUGE

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 10:57 PM ET

SYF's avatar

What the….what the shit’s with the pisstons’ updates.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 10:59 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

What the….what the shit’s with the pisstons’ updates.

Posted by SYF from a “Bron-Y-Aur Stomp” on 02/10/12 at 08:59 PM ET

This just in… they still suck.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 11:00 PM ET

TheRealYooper's avatar

“In the Mood” by Glenn Miller & his Orchestra has reached #1 on the U.S. Billboard Pop Singles chart.

this date 1940

Posted by TheRealYooper from within sight of the edge of the Earth. on 02/10/12 at 11:00 PM ET

SYF's avatar

Have tix to the Wranglers game tonight, 19.

Catch y’all on the other side.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 02/10/12 at 11:01 PM ET

dougie's avatar

Yo ho ho, bitches.

Just got in, so who we loving tonight? and who we be hatin’? Or need I ask?

lemme go out on a limb, Abby aaaaaaaand…...E52, perhaps?

Posted by dougie on 02/10/12 at 11:01 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

Have fun SYF.  See you Sunday.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 11:02 PM ET

42jeff's avatar

Sup bitches.

So tied after two….I’m okay with that.

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/10/12 at 11:03 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

bang your Helm

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 11:03 PM ET

Nate A's avatar

E52 attempts a Kronwall, bails out. Helm steps up instead.

Posted by Nate A from Detroit-ish on 02/10/12 at 11:03 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Yo ho ho, bitches.

Just got in, so who we loving tonight? and who we be hatin’? Or need I ask?

lemme go out on a limb, Abby aaaaaaaand…...E52, perhaps?

Posted by dougie on 02/10/12 at 09:01 PM ET

Abber scored and Ericsson caused one.  You really just checking in?

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 11:03 PM ET

calquake's avatar

So tied after two….I’m okay with that.

Posted by 42jeff from Minot, North Dakota on 02/10/12 at 09:03 PM ET

Not if you’d been watching.

Posted by calquake on 02/10/12 at 11:04 PM ET

monkey's avatar

I call Lidstrom and Draper.

Posted by monkey from Praha, Česká republika on 02/10/12 at 11:04 PM ET

redxblack's avatar

Hudler has been reading his fairy tales. He’s trying to slay giants out there.

Posted by redxblack from Akron Ohio on 02/10/12 at 11:04 PM ET

dougie's avatar

You really just checking in?

Yup. There was some beer that needed drinking beforehand.

Posted by dougie on 02/10/12 at 11:05 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

You really just checking in?

Yup. There was some beer that needed drinking beforehand.

Posted by dougie on 02/10/12 at 09:05 PM ET

Bud Light Platinum?

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 02/10/12 at 11:06 PM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Posted by Paul from Motown Area on 02/10/12 at 08:46 PM ET


Thanks Paul, but that could have been my fault too.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/10/12 at 11:06 PM ET

Little Redhead's avatar

end of 2nd….still 1-1.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Little Redhead from the Engineer's chair on 02/10/12 at 11:06 PM ET

redxblack's avatar

I think Ericcson might have been a-drinking with you!

Posted by redxblack from Akron Ohio on 02/10/12 at 11:06 PM ET

Jeff  OKWingnut's avatar

SOG

16 each.

What a grinding game.

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 11:07 PM ET

42jeff's avatar

Not if you’d been watching.

Posted by calquake on 02/10/12 at 09:04 PM ET

Another one of those games, eh?

Posted by 42jeff from The greater Howard City, MI metroplex on 02/10/12 at 11:07 PM ET

Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit's avatar

Anyone seen Mule tonight?

Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 02/10/12 at 08:46 PM ET

I saw him disappear on the first PP.

Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!

Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 02/10/12 at 11:08 PM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com