Abel to Yzerman
by VooX on 06/13/10 at 03:30 PM ET
I tried to watch hockey since the Wings were eliminated but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stomach it. I tried to post here several times and started, but couldn’t finish. It hurt too much.
You see, while I typically take a week or so to watch hockey once the Wings are eliminated, this year was different. I knew what was going to happen and it did. Steve Yzerman left the Red Wings. Even typing those words makes me gag and turn my head from the screen in disgust. Literally.
Yzerman’s departure has been more disturbing to me than I thought possible. Even though this is for the best and I know Stevie is the prodigal son who will return later, losing The Captain has been a knife to my heart.
So forgive me, 19, I can’t talk or think about hockey yet. I can’t even read your comments about the end of the season, the return of Happy Days, Lidstrom re-signing, Holland and Nill being locked up long-term, any of it. Not yet.
While I recover, allow me to share this non-hockey anecdote with you instead.
When I was on a beach as a kid, I used to mimic a seagull’s food call to get them to swarm sunbathers. It was hysterical and I did it for years to torment strangers on a beach.
Karma is a bitch, bitches. I was reminded of that earlier this week.
I was sitting on a large hill in a park eating a burger and fries. When a seagull landed a few feet behind me, I quickly turned to scare it away. Too late. The bird let out a short food call.
I put my burger down and tried to chase the seagull off. After all, we humans are the “alpha species” and no damned bird is going to ruin my lunch. The seagull moved just out of my reach. I pursued, it moved, I pursued, it moved. Always just out of reach. Suspicious, I looked behind me and saw another seagull land beside my lunch. The first seagull was baiting me while the accomplice was about to feast. I was outwitted by bird brains. FML.
Trying to re-assert my “alpha species” status, I ran back towards my lunch and scared the seagull off just before it stole a french fry. No damned bird was going to get a free lunch on my watch.
Then the seagulls fought back. If anyone was going to be chased away from my food, it was going to be me.
There were now six wretched gulls flying slowly 15-20 feet above my head in all directions. Wherever I faced, a seagull behind my head would dive down to attack me. I’d turn, it would retreat upwards and another would attack from behind. Over and over and over again. As more seagulls came to join the onslaught, I grabbed my food and climbed the hill out of the park to safety.
Alfred Hitchcock was right, a flock of birds can seriously fuch us up if they decide to. Except for penguins. Their lack of external genitalia means they are essentially pussies.
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About Abel to Yzerman
Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org