Abel to Yzerman
by VooX on 04/29/10 at 04:31 PM ET
The Wings are out West in San Jose. Land of hybrids, hippies, and the Chief.
While the Chief is able to direct precision missiles anywhere West of the Rockies, he hasn’t been able to watch the Red Wings lately. Thanks to Gary. Ass, the Chief was denied access to most of round one as naval ships, like much of the US, don’t get Vers.Ass.
The Chief sent me this message just before Game 7. It wasn’t typed. It was clawed into my email browser.
Dude. Its gonna suck. Espn bottomline is it.
The 19 feel your pain, Raspberry. We hope you get clearance, Clarence, to watch this series.
I have it from Mirtle’s anonymous sources that the Chief will attempt to get himself recognized as tonight’s military guest of honour in San Jose. While in the spotlight, he will attempt to launch a cephalopod mortar onto the ice. It will be glorious.
Not for Todd. Poor Todd will be up against his Uncle Mike, and Poor Todd has already wet his shorts many times thinking about it. More on that later.
First, which Red Wings player said this?
“People always talk about guys winning their battles, faceoffs and things like that. But ultimately, you want to be on the ice for some goals. It should be that way for us. Each of us knows that we definitely have to be on the scoreboard more.”
Of course, the answer is none of them. That was Joe Thornton who is still waiting for the Wizard to give him a heart. While Heatley waits for his balls and Marleu waits for guts, Poor Todd is waiting for brains smart enough to outwit Uncle Mike.
Poor Todd is trying hard to be a good coach. When the Mud Sharks’ stars were MIA in the playoffs again, he juggled the lines:
McLellan matched Torrey Mitchell with Marleau and Thornton — believing that his speed and tenacity might draw more out of the Sharks’ stars. Heatley was moved over to the Logan Couture-centered line with Manny Malhotra.
That’s probably the way the Sharks will open against the Red Wings.
Nice try, Todd, but Wings fans all know that your pathetic group of heartless, gutless, and emasculated players will never be able to outplay the Red Wings. You watched Game 7 like a horror movie. You know the Wings are coming for you next. Poor Todd.
Even his own neighbours think Poor Todd’s Mud Sharks are done:
Every dog has his day. That’s the sports cliché you know. Every dog also has his chew toys… in the Sharks vs. Detroit Red Wings rivalry, the Sharks have always been the chew toys…
Detroit wins in seven games.
Let me be clear: I believe the Sharks can win and advance to the conference finals. They have the talent to do so. Goodness knows, they should have the motivation. But until I see them beat Detroit with my own eyes, I cannot in good conscience pick our beloved Los Tiburones to get the job done.
Reality is a bitch, Poor Todd, and the reality is you and your team don’t have what it takes to beat the Red Wings. Not today. Not ever.
Senor “Los Tiburones” had more to say:
I did come up with one wild-card factor: McLellan… McLellan’s method was particularly effective after the Sharks lost Game 3 in overtime.
The agonizing defeat put the Sharks behind in the series, two games to one. But instead of screaming or panicking, McLellan remained calm.
Oh really? Do tell… what was Poor Todd’s brilliant coaching move?
He called off practice the next day. He told the players to rest up, go to the movies, whatever.
Awesome. Poor Todd buried his head in the sand and hid. Don’t worry Todd, Uncle Mike will give you lots of free time to play in the sand and surf soon.
Yet Poor Todd still doesn’t get it. He was lucky to get out of round one because the Dive are, well, the Dive. The Wings are, well, your worst nightmare. From Emmons’ article again:
The conventional wisdom is that while the Sharks could get past pesky, undermanned Colorado without their top three scorers leading the way, the arch-nemesis Red Wings are a whole different story. If the Sharks are to exorcise their Detroit demons, Thornton, Marleau and Heatley need to have a much bigger impact.
Those in San Jose see the writing on the wall. The Mud Sharks are doomed because their top scorers are cursed in the playoffs. Always have been, always will be.
Poor Todd commented on the playoff suckage of Thornton, Heatley, and Marleau. A2Y presents it in high-tech “In-Between-the-Lines-ovision” for crystal clear clarity:
“Odds are, they’re going to come out of it.”
Poor Todd prays.
“They’re going to score.”
Poor Todd has faith.
“We believe that they’re eventually going to score.”
Poor Todd believes in miracles
“We need them to do that.”
Hallelujah, Poor Todd, Hallelujah. Good luck with that.
Malik has lots more coverage. He is a big show off like that.
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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org