Abel to Yzerman
by VooX on 04/01/10 at 07:50 PM ET
This is it, bitches, the game where order will be restored. If the Wings WIN tonight, they could overtake Bubba in the standings and the universe will once again be whole.
Since H2H, I’ve been inundated with work and haven’t had much time to post or follow the Wings. Despite living in my bubble, I know the importance of tonight’s game. 5th place is within striking distance of the Red Wings, and none of Li’l Gary’s faux teams from the expansion era can stop them.
Have you heard the big news out of BJ land? It is not that the team is in playoff position, because they’re not. It is not that they have hope for the future, because they don’t. It’s because just last week they qualified for Bettman’s Bailout Dollars. Yet another faux hockey city requires clubs like the Red Wings to bail them out of financial devastation. And while the Michigan economy has sputtered along for a decade, Wings fans keep the Big Red Wing Machine running with the best fan support in the NHL. So congratulations, Columbus, once again you will get propped up by the few teams whose fans give a crap enough to support them, no matter what the circumstances. And congratulations, Li’l Gary, your vision of destroying the NHL is coming to fruition as more and more of your expansion teams need Bettman’s Bailout Dollars. Thanks Gary. Ass.
Only one thing matters tonight. WINNING. For the sweet little baby Jesus, the Wings need to play like they are a team possessed and WIN tonight at the JLA. And in case you didn’t know already, the Wings ARE possessed.
The Wings are possessed with the rocket fuel which has propelled humans into orbit. They are possessed with the determination of champions to succeed no matter what the adversity. And they possess the Babcock Death Stare which has been listed as a banned weapon under the Geneva Convention.
Uncle Mike will have this team ready to play hard. He has since the Olympics. As our good friend Jeff (Okie) pointed out, the Wings have earned 19 of 20 possible points their last ten games. This stems from the team being WINNERS and being mortally afraid of the Babcock Death Stare.
Osgood once spoke out against Uncle Mike. He hasn’t since he watched the Babcock’s Death Stare kill all of his family pets with one scowl. Since then, Ozzie has been good and followed the company line.
And that line begins and ends with Jimmah H. Howard. You better believe that some hardware is due to Jimmah. Along with all the puppies, hookers, and firetrucks he could ever need if the Wings WIN the Stanley Cup. Jimmah saves and the sweet baby Jesus is okay with that.
The Stress Train has undergone maintenance, and the Hasek Club Car has been spruced up with one of those pine-tree air fresheners. You can almost pretend you don’t notice the smell of vomit mixing with various other bodily fluids emanating from the floors and walls. In other words, the Stress Train is playoff-ready.
The only uncertainty is the Wings’ final position in the West. I’m hoping 5th. More than facing easier competition, the Wings earning 5th position should finally get Uncle Mike the Jack Adams trophy he deserves. Forget Dave Tippet. The reason the Desert Dogs are doing well this year is not because Tippet is such a good coach, it is that Gretzky was such a shitty coach. So Uncle Mike is my Huckleberry for the Jack Adams, while Pavel is it for the Selke and Byng, Lidstrom should earn another Norris, and Jimmah is it for the Calder, Vezina, Hart, and Nobel. I’m calling a Red Wings hardware domination this year, if there is any justice, culminating with Stanley Cup #12,
Once again the road to the Cup starts tonight with a WIN, straight up. Let’s put an end to chasing Bubba once and for all.
Let’s Go Red Wings!!!!!
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About Abel to Yzerman
Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: email@example.com