Abel to Yzerman
by IwoCPO on 04/15/14 at 02:46 PM ET
As you are aware, Paul is asking for your Round 1 predictions. I was going to leave mine in the comments of this post, but I like a big room. And I have things to say that you need to read.
I have predictions. Quality, unbiased, research-driven predictions based on statistics, history, in-depth knowledge of the game and my unbridled love for the commissioner of the NHL.
And I'm going to share them with you right now.
Ok. I lied. None of what you are about to read is based on anything other than my own perverted wishes. This is not necessarily what I believe will happen, it's what I want to happen so that I can be happy. It's what I've been promised, what was guaranteed to me when I made the life-long commitment to the Detroit Red Wings. It's what could happen simply because I've resisted the disgusting urge to shift my loyalties to any number of teams who play in the various states I've called "home" over the last twenty years.
Ready? Here we go, bitches.
Dallas vs Anaheim: Dallas will win this series because Jim Nill has brought a Detroit attitude to that organ-I-zation, and because the Poultry are filled with stupid people with ridiculous hair. Dallas will win because when they do Getzlaf and Perry will golf, badly, in April. Again. Dallas in 7 and Bruce Boudreau eats himself alive.
Philadelphia vs NYR: Whew. This is a tough one. It's almost impossible to describe how little I care about this series. I'll try, but I won't do it justice. I simply do not give a single shit about who comes out of this because neither team will go past the second round. Ever. Deep thought went into this and I'll say....Rangers in 5.
Columbus vs Pittsburgh: Wow. Where to go, what to say, when to drink, what to write, what ditty to sing. Pittsburgh will lose this series and Marc Andre Fleury will never play another game for the Pens after they've bowed out to the BJs. But it will be in the most non-traditional of fashions. It will go 7 games and every team will lose at home. Every game. All they can talk about on NHL Radio is how "crazzzzzzy" it's gonna be in Columubs. Those fans deserve this postseason. They deserve a winner. Huh. Interesting. You know what Columbus deserves? Jack Shit. That's what. But, they'll earn their wins in Pittsburgh. And Rosby will cry. As Fleury goes? So goes Dan Bylsma. Sid, meet Barry Trotz. Your new coach as of 1 July. You heard it here first.
Tampa vs Montreal: Naturally Tampa wins this series. Why? Because Steve Yzerman is the greatest man in the history of hockey. Still, to this day. Still the greatest. Ever. Oh, and the angst from Canada when their one team bows out in Round 1 will be so special. Tampa in 6 games.
San Jose vs LA: Oh, the big, bad West. So strong, like lumberjacks. Kings build fire. Sharks push wheel with stick. Shut upppp. Beat the shit out of each other for all I care. Do it. They're the exact same team, but San Jose's cursed because Joe Thornton is destined to lose--one way or another, in one round or another--every year. it's law. Kings in 7. Of course this goes 7.
Denver vs Minnesota: Now we're getting down to business. Now we're really talking some horses and wishes and what if the latter was the former? The dreams in Denver. Oh, they're so special. So soft and plump like clouds. Puffy and gentle. Patrick the Saviour. He's come back to bring us the glory of 2001. Patrick the genius, the twitchy sociopath who will most certainly lose...his...fuching...mind at some point. Ha. Suck it Denver. You won't win because baby Jesus doesn't appreciate hockey "fans" who sip spritzers and eat bark instead of red meat and PBR. Baby Jesus likes men who like hockey. He doesn't like indecision, apathy, wishy-washiness. But, wait...what? If Denver loses this series...that means Laura and Mary advance? Oh for the love of Albert Ingalls, what? A sweep. A sweep. Minnesota sweeps Denver. Denver sobs. Minnesota rejoices. Hopes are raised. Lifted. Sister Zach and Sister Suter take Uncle Craig to the second round. And the dream will end there, but that's for another day. Minnesota in 4.
Chicago vs St. Lous: if not for the epic choke job the Blues pulled the last two weeks of the season, they should be playing Minnesota. If not for the ass kicking at the hands of our 3rd goalie, two defensemen playing their 1st NHL games, a team of minor leaguers and if not for providence? The bitter bitch bruised Blues would be coasting toward the second round. Instead they get a healthier Chicago team and they get what their garbage fans deserve: more sorrow. More pain. More dashed hopes. Suck it. Fuch Detroit? Oh, no. Ohhhhh no. Fuch you, St. Louis. Another joyous summer in MO. Hawks in 5.
Whew boy...here we go. The biggie.
Boston vs Detroit: Not a single person, not one. Not the smallest of outlets, not the largest of Canadien(an) behemoths. The Detroit papers won't do it. The Boston papers will play coy and say 6, but they all think sweep because the Bruins are such badasses. The perfect hockey team. Unbeatable by this little squirt squad from Detroit that just barely squeeked in. Nobody is picking Detroit. I've never seen such a unanimous fervor. Literally nobody outside a few Wing blogs will pick Detroit. It's not even a pick someone would make because there's a small chance and if they pick the Wings wouldn't they look genius if it happened? Literally no one.
Wings take Game 1, like Balboa in Round 1, fight 1. And then it's on. Violence, speed, hatred, tension. It will be on like you won't believe because you've got a favorite in a corner and an underdog tasting blood. On, on, on. The Wings will literally have a chance to win this series in Game 6 at the Joe, where they will lose in overtime.
Then James Tiberius Howard will shut out Boston in Game 7. Speed and the coaching of one Michael Babcock. Injuries and officiating. Speed and coaching. Hank Zetterberg will return for Game 4 in Detroit. Johan Franzen will re-appear. Niklas Kronwall will be the most hated man in the Northeast.
It will be glorious. The Wings will win this series, not because they're better. They will win it because we, Wing fans, deserve it. We are the most arrogant, self-righteous, self-entitled group of hockey fans on the planet and that's exactly the way we like it.
On to Round 2.
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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: email@example.com