Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

Guaranteed First Round Locks

As you are aware, Paul is asking for your Round 1 predictions. I was going to leave mine in the comments of this post, but I like a big room.  And I have things to say that you need to read. 

I have predictions. Quality, unbiased, research-driven predictions based on statistics, history, in-depth knowledge of the game and my unbridled love for the commissioner of the NHL.

And I'm going to share them with you right now.

Ok. I lied. None of what you are about to read is based on anything other than my own perverted wishes.  This is not necessarily what I believe will happen, it's what I want to happen so that I can be happy. It's what I've been promised, what was guaranteed to me when I made the life-long commitment to the Detroit Red Wings.  It's what could happen simply because I've resisted the disgusting urge to shift my loyalties to any number of teams who play in the various states I've called "home" over the last twenty years. 

Ready? Here we go, bitches.

Dallas vs Anaheim:  Dallas will win this series because Jim Nill has brought a Detroit attitude to that organ-I-zation, and because the Poultry are filled with stupid people with ridiculous hair.  Dallas will win because when they do Getzlaf and Perry will golf, badly, in April. Again.  Dallas in 7 and Bruce Boudreau eats himself alive.

Philadelphia vs NYR: Whew. This is a tough one. It's almost impossible to describe how little I care about this series.  I'll try, but I won't do it justice. I simply do not give a single shit about who comes out of this because neither team will go past the second round. Ever. Deep thought went into this and I'll say....Rangers in 5.

Columbus vs Pittsburgh: Wow. Where to go, what to say, when to drink, what to write, what ditty to sing.  Pittsburgh will lose this series and Marc Andre Fleury will never play another game for the Pens after they've bowed out to the BJs.  But it will be in the most non-traditional of fashions. It will go 7 games and every team will lose at home. Every game.  All they can talk about on NHL Radio is how "crazzzzzzy" it's gonna be in Columubs. Those fans deserve this postseason. They deserve a winner.  Huh. Interesting. You know what Columbus deserves? Jack Shit.  That's what.  But, they'll earn their wins in Pittsburgh.  And Rosby will cry. As Fleury goes? So goes Dan Bylsma.  Sid, meet Barry Trotz.  Your new coach as of 1 July. You heard it here first. 

Tampa vs Montreal: Naturally Tampa wins this series. Why? Because Steve Yzerman is the greatest man in the history of hockey.  Still, to this day.  Still the greatest. Ever. Oh, and the angst from Canada when their one team bows out in Round 1 will be so special.  Tampa in 6 games.

San Jose vs LA: Oh, the big, bad West.  So strong, like lumberjacks. Kings build fire. Sharks push wheel with stick. Shut upppp.  Beat the shit out of each other for all I care. Do it.  They're the exact same team, but San Jose's cursed because Joe Thornton is destined to lose--one way or another, in one round or another--every year. it's law.  Kings in 7. Of course this goes 7.

Denver vs Minnesota: Now we're getting down to business. Now we're really talking some horses and wishes and what if the latter was the former?  The dreams in Denver.  Oh, they're so special. So soft and plump like clouds. Puffy and gentle.  Patrick the Saviour. He's come back to bring us the glory of 2001. Patrick the genius, the twitchy sociopath who will most certainly lose...his...fuching...mind at some point.  Ha. Suck it Denver.  You won't win because baby Jesus doesn't appreciate hockey "fans" who sip spritzers and eat bark instead of red meat and PBR.  Baby Jesus likes men who like hockey. He doesn't like indecision, apathy, wishy-washiness. But, wait...what?  If Denver loses this series...that means Laura and Mary advance? Oh for the love of Albert Ingalls, what?  A sweep. A sweep. Minnesota sweeps Denver. Denver sobs. Minnesota rejoices. Hopes are raised. Lifted. Sister Zach and Sister Suter take Uncle Craig to the second round.  And the dream will end there, but that's for another day.  Minnesota in 4.

Chicago vs St. Lous: if not for the epic choke job the Blues pulled the last two weeks of the season, they should be playing Minnesota.  If not for the ass kicking at the hands of our 3rd goalie, two defensemen playing their 1st NHL games, a team of minor leaguers and if not for providence?  The bitter bitch bruised Blues would be coasting toward the second round. Instead they get a healthier Chicago team and they get what their garbage fans deserve: more sorrow. More pain. More dashed hopes.  Suck it. Fuch Detroit?  Oh, no.  Ohhhhh no.  Fuch you, St. Louis.  Another joyous summer in MO. Hawks in 5.

Whew boy...here we go.  The biggie.

Boston vs Detroit:  Not a single person, not one.  Not the smallest of outlets, not the largest of Canadien(an) behemoths.  The Detroit papers won't do it.  The Boston papers will play coy and say 6, but they all think sweep because the Bruins are such badasses. The perfect hockey team. Unbeatable by this little squirt squad from Detroit that just barely squeeked in.  Nobody is picking Detroit. I've never seen such a unanimous fervor.  Literally nobody outside a few Wing blogs will pick Detroit.  It's not even a pick someone would make because there's a small chance and if they pick the Wings wouldn't they look genius if it happened?  Literally no one. 

Wings take Game 1, like Balboa in Round 1, fight 1.  And then it's on.  Violence, speed, hatred, tension. It will be on like you won't believe because you've got a favorite in a corner and an underdog tasting blood.  On, on, on.  The Wings will literally have a chance to win this series in Game 6 at the Joe, where they will lose in overtime.

Then James Tiberius Howard will shut out Boston in Game 7.  Speed and the coaching of one Michael Babcock.  Injuries and officiating. Speed and coaching.  Hank Zetterberg will return for Game 4 in Detroit. Johan Franzen will re-appear. Niklas Kronwall will be the most hated man in the Northeast.

It will be glorious.  The Wings will win this series, not because they're better. They will win it because we, Wing fans, deserve it. We are the most arrogant, self-righteous, self-entitled group of hockey fans on the planet and that's exactly the way we like it.

On to Round 2.

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Comments

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Avatar

Brilliance. Can’t wait for it to roll out.

Posted by Moose Moss on 04/15/14 at 01:58 PM ET

w2j2's avatar

I would enjoy seeing Kronwall put his butt into one of the Bruins and flattening him.  (Legally, of course!)

Posted by w2j2 on 04/15/14 at 02:01 PM ET

HeilThom's avatar

On. On. On.

Posted by HeilThom from Hockeytown, USA on 04/15/14 at 02:05 PM ET

Avatar

Lmao.. Good read. Now wake up from ur dream!!! No.way Det beats Boston..  Although I do think B’s lose game 1 & also lose Game 3 cause the crowd gets behind Det just as Russia did in Rocky 4. But going up The Best G the Best Shutdown Dman & The best 2 way fwrd will be enough to do det in. NEVER MIND B’s roll 4 productive lines out as well as 3 well coached well operative Dlines.
Det is hugely hung up on Det winning reg series 3-1.. Ask Mntrl how good the does for them. Mntrl wins the reg season series almost undoubted every year. Mntrl like Det is fast & small. But 1 thing Mntrl has that Det doesnt. A better D. Well come post season the reg season series don’t matter & B’s prevail.
Now u can say Kronwell is a better dman than pk & yes that is true But like PK Kronwell to plays dirty. See Det will go on to games 5 & 6 cause Bos has respect for Det. But as soon as Kronwell or even franzen take liberties & AWAKES THE BEAR. The series will be over Dets season will be over & B’s will undoubted claim their 2nd cup in 3 years.

Posted by bbmike5781 on 04/15/14 at 02:13 PM ET

Avatar

^Mntrl has a better “G” than Det.

Posted by bbmike5781 on 04/15/14 at 02:16 PM ET

MsRedWingFan's avatar

Posted by bbmike5781 on 04/15/14 at 03:13 PM ET

  blah blah blahbity blah raspberry

Posted by MsRedWingFan from West Michigan hometown of Abdelkader on 04/15/14 at 02:26 PM ET

peiz11's avatar

bbmike must be a busy person since he can’t bother to spell out anything making whatever point he was trying to make nearly impossible to read.

Thanks Chief, this was amazing. I agree with everything except, possibly, maybe the Wild prediction. Living in Minnesota, please don’t let them have any success, I don’t want to hear it.

Posted by peiz11 from Minneapolis on 04/15/14 at 02:45 PM ET

Colquhoun's avatar

AWAKES THE BEAR. The series will be over Dets season will be over & B’s will undoubted claim their 2nd cup in 3 years.

Posted by bbmike5781 on 04/15/14 at 03:13 PM ET

Tfat was one stinky pile of fromage.

 

Posted by Colquhoun on 04/15/14 at 02:45 PM ET

gowings's avatar

“Ha. Suck it Denver.  You won’t win because baby Jesus doesn’t appreciate hockey “fans” who sip spritzers and eat bark instead of red meat and PBR.  Baby Jesus likes men who like hockey. He doesn’t like indecision, apathy, wishy-washiness”

This is GOLD smile

Posted by gowings from MTL on 04/15/14 at 02:46 PM ET

IwoCPO's avatar

bbmike, your Rocky reference is appreciated.  We take that very seriously here.

Det is hugely hung up on Det winning reg series 3-1

No we’re not.  We understand the reasoning behind the consensus pick in this series. We just feel it’s ours to win because we deserve it, because we’re Wing fans and we deserve the kind of puppy and hooker-like joy that comes with being fans of the greatest organ-I-zation in all of sport.

Posted by IwoCPO from Sunny San Diego, bitches on 04/15/14 at 02:47 PM ET

Avatar

U deserve it? Busy person? Fromage? greatest organization? Hmm All great points & statements but no I’m not a busy person sorry if u can’t make out Simplified abbreviations.  The truth often hurts & sometimes can sting a bit. But not 1 statement I made was false or without supported jusification.
As far as the best organization, that’s cute! When’s the last time this great organization had success? Won a cup?  Seems Bos is not only the Greatest sports city (hence all the championships). But the latest to win a cup? yes u guys have won cups but when’s the last? Oh ho do u guys suffer from NYY dementia.

Posted by bbmike5781 on 04/15/14 at 02:57 PM ET

IwoCPO's avatar

What the FUCH is “fromage”?

oh..

Fromage Frais, or Fromage blanc is a soft, unaged, creamy fresh cheese made out of whole or skimmed milk and cream.

Posted by IwoCPO from Sunny San Diego, bitches on 04/15/14 at 03:02 PM ET

J.J. from Kansas's avatar

I’m not a busy person

It shows.

hence all the championships

You want to count hockey championships there, pal?  Let’s do that. How many fingers do you have?

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 04/15/14 at 03:09 PM ET

Avatar

My point exactly on the NYY dementia^^  past is the past… U just proved my point on both threads. 1 reg season is the past & det columnists are hung up on the 3-1 reg season series. & 2 Det is hung up on past championships which is cute & a real life sickness. See NYY fans for their issues…

Posted by bbmike5781 on 04/15/14 at 03:14 PM ET

Avatar

Anyone recall how close the big bad bruins came to being sent packing by the laffs last year?  Yo mikey U gotta admit U almost lost till da laffs remembered they are terrible at hockey. 

Is it Friday yet?

Also your boy bergey was the best HEALTHY 2-way forward in the league this year.  #13 is feeling great now though.  No need to sweat the deets mah man.

Posted by maltby18 on 04/15/14 at 03:16 PM ET

J.J. from Kansas's avatar

past is the past

mmmhmmm…

1 reg season is the past

Okey dokey…

Det is hung up on past championships

Right-o….

But the latest to win a cup?

Ooops!

That’s in the past, kiddo!  The more-recent past was failing to even get as far as three wins against Chicago.  You wanna guess who actually DID do that (or is that in the past too much for you?)

How far back into the past can we go, 17 seconds?

You talk like Evilpens.  Are you his brother or something?

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 04/15/14 at 03:18 PM ET

J.J. from Kansas's avatar

Det is hung up on past championships

Bos is not only the Greatest sports city (hence all the championships)

I could do this all day.

 

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 04/15/14 at 03:19 PM ET

IwoCPO's avatar

The more-recent past was failing to even get as far as three wins against Chicago.  You wanna guess who actually DID do that (or is that in the past too much for you?)

Woops.  That pretty much settles that.

Posted by IwoCPO from Sunny San Diego, bitches on 04/15/14 at 03:21 PM ET

hockeychic's avatar

Ah Chief - thank you so much.  I needed this today.

Is it Friday yet?

Posted by hockeychic from Denver, CO on 04/15/14 at 03:22 PM ET

SK77's avatar

You talk like Evilpens.  Are you his brother or something?

Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 04/15/14 at 04:18 PM ET

They’re not related, they just happen to ride the same short bus.

Posted by SK77 on 04/15/14 at 03:37 PM ET

SYF's avatar

First off, uber Youtuber, awood, has posted a gigantic look-back at all the big hits of the 23-year playoff streak.  It.Is.Glorious.

And I cannot believe I’ve forgotten what a monstrous hitter was Burrsie.  Man, that sonuvabitch just leveled people.

Det is hugely hung up on Det winning reg series 3-1..

You’re too funny.  NOT ONE Wings fan I know of takes that as seriously as much as you think we do.

Posted by SYF from Alana Blanchard's Bikinis and Surfboards on 04/15/14 at 03:46 PM ET

mrfluffy's avatar

The Wings will literally have a chance to win this series in Game 6 at the Joe, where they will lose in overtime.

Oh fuch you…

I mean…let’s get this bitch started.

Wings-Hawks Final.

Could you dig it?

Posted by mrfluffy from A wide spot on I-90 in Montana on 04/15/14 at 03:49 PM ET

joedaiceman's avatar

Its high fives and belly buttons after Jimmy sticks it to those beantown babies in game 7

Posted by joedaiceman on 04/15/14 at 04:18 PM ET

Alan's avatar

My prediction:

Wings in 5.

Let’s do this.

Posted by Alan from Atlanta on 04/15/14 at 04:20 PM ET

Curley's avatar

Ha Ha Ha.  Columbus will grind the soft Pens to a pulp if they get Foligno, Umberger and Horton healthy.  The Wings will continue to amaze and eke out a win vs. the B’s. The next round will be easy for the Central Division ex-pats which means Wings and BJ’s in the ECF, baby. The only time in the history of the league that it’ll be West vs (Old) West for the Cup. 
Nahhhh. Can’t happen?

Posted by Curley on 04/15/14 at 04:22 PM ET

MOWingsfan19's avatar

The Stress Train is on the tracks and the cute little trolls are popping up.
Ah, spring time at A2Y.

Posted by MOWingsfan19 from I really like our team on 04/15/14 at 04:25 PM ET

hockeychic's avatar

The Stress Train is on the tracks and the cute little trolls are popping up.
Ah, spring time at A2Y.

+19!

 

Posted by hockeychic from Denver, CO on 04/15/14 at 04:32 PM ET

Hootinani's avatar

Ha Ha Ha.  Columbus will grind the soft Pens to a pulp if they get Foligno, Umberger and Horton healthy.

exactly how long do you think the 1st round lasts?  Horton just had surgery 4 days ago and is out 6 weeks.

 

Posted by Hootinani on 04/15/14 at 04:59 PM ET

RhymeTimeWingsDings's avatar

Wow a Boston fan comparing us to the yankees?  I cant wait to see how much they hate us after this advance to the second round.

Posted by RhymeTimeWingsDings on 04/15/14 at 05:02 PM ET

Avatar

So, if the Wings sweep the Bruins, it means they have pretty much already won the cup… right?

Posted by neffernin on 04/15/14 at 05:10 PM ET

Colquhoun's avatar

Posted by neffernin on 04/15/14 at 06:10 PM ET

Blog-logic’s finest hour.

But, you are correct, sir.

Posted by Colquhoun on 04/15/14 at 05:19 PM ET

stonehands-78's avatar

thanks, Chief.

I really like our team.

16 to 12

L.G.R.W.

Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 04/15/14 at 05:47 PM ET

HockeytownOverhaul's avatar

Just imagine the panic if Boston goes down 2 games.  It’d be epic.  If the wings have ANY success they’re winners.  Anything more then 5 games and Boston’s already behind the 8ball.  Wings got nothing to lose, might as well see how much damage you can do since everyone already written you off

Posted by HockeytownOverhaul on 04/15/14 at 06:20 PM ET

HockeytownOverhaul's avatar

And if anywhere rolls with a chip on their shoulder who turned underdogs into a profession.  Its the state of Michigan.  “Hit the wall smokin and spinnin, still wash thinkin bout nothin but winnin.”

Posted by HockeytownOverhaul on 04/15/14 at 06:23 PM ET

OlderThanChelios's avatar

As Fleury goes? So goes Dan Bylsma.  Sid, meet Barry Trotz.  Your new coach as of 1 July. You heard it here first.

I think you may be right about Bylsma leaving. But I fear that his replacement won’t be Trotz. It’ll be Blashill. And what a kick in the gonads that would be.

Det is hugely hung…

Looks like bbmike’s been hanging out in the Wings lockroom.

...no I’m not a busy person sorry if u can’t make out Simplified abbreviations.

So, if I understand you correctly there, bbmike, you have plenty of time to use correct grammar, you’re just too lazy to do it. I think JJ is right. You have to be related to EvilPens. That level of, um, “competence” could only come from one set of genes.

Posted by OlderThanChelios from Grand Rapids, MI on 04/15/14 at 06:53 PM ET

Guilherme's avatar

Hey 19, join Red Wings Brasil bracket challenge group. http://bracketchallenge.nhl.com/playoff_challenge/leagues/30430?locale=en

I tried not to be a homer and pick Detroit, but I failed.

Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 04/15/14 at 10:58 PM ET

MsRedWinger's avatar

Thanks, Master Chief!  Great stuff.

Oh, the little jealous trolls. Yep. It’s playoff time.

LGRW!!!!! cool smile

Posted by MsRedWinger from Flori-duh on 04/16/14 at 07:53 AM ET

MsRedWingFan's avatar

U deserve it? Busy person? Fromage? greatest organization? Hmm All great points & statements but no I’m not a busy person sorry if u can’t make out Simplified abbreviations.  The truth often hurts & sometimes can sting a bit. But not 1 statement I made was false or without supported jusification.
As far as the best organization, that’s cute! When’s the last time this great organization had success? Won a cup?  Seems Bos is not only the Greatest sports city (hence all the championships). But the latest to win a cup? yes u guys have won cups but when’s the last? Oh ho do u guys suffer from NYY dementia.

Posted by bbmike5781 on 04/15/14 at 03:57 PM ET

^ ^  blah blah blahbity blah ^ ^

... just love how the trolls come out of the woodwork ...  this time of the year.  Jealous much bb? ya must be or you wouldn’t be here trying to stir up chit.

Posted by MsRedWingFan from West Michigan hometown of Abdelkader on 04/16/14 at 09:16 AM ET

MsRedWingFan's avatar

  The more-recent past was failing to even get as far as three wins against Chicago.  You wanna guess who actually DID do that (or is that in the past too much for you?)

Woops. That pretty much settles that.

Posted by IwoCPO from Sunny San Diego, bitches on 04/15/14 at 04:21 PM ET

 

  LOL zinggggggggggggggggggggg

Posted by MsRedWingFan from West Michigan hometown of Abdelkader on 04/16/14 at 09:18 AM ET

MsRedWingFan's avatar

Ha Ha Ha.  Columbus will grind the soft Pens to a pulp if they get Foligno, Umberger and Horton healthy.  The Wings will continue to amaze and eke out a win vs. the B’s. The next round will be easy for the Central Division ex-pats which means Wings and BJ’s in the ECF, baby. The only time in the history of the league that it’ll be West vs (Old) West for the Cup.
Nahhhh. Can’t happen?

Posted by Curley on 04/15/14 at 05:22 PM ET

now that would be the ultimate !!!!!  what a way to stick it to Bettman

Posted by MsRedWingFan from West Michigan hometown of Abdelkader on 04/16/14 at 09:20 AM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com