Abel to Yzerman
by VooX on 03/21/10 at 08:35 PM ET
While the Wings lost a game they should have won against the Oilers this week, the Pens had similar problems with a team they should have beaten yesterday, the Hurricanes. Now I don’t feel as bad knowing that every team has trouble bringing the proper intensity to games facing the bottom dwellers.
Today, I will not be telling the Penguins how terrible I think their team is. Instead, I will be giving the Penguins the recognition their fans have been craving since last June. Deprived from accolades and respect all year, Penguins fans have been getting emo and cutting themselves like teenage girls. I will be doing my best to appease the most insecure of fanbases in the NHL, Pens fans, by finally giving them the respect they think they deserve.
I will start at the top of the franchise and work my way down.
Mario Lemieux can cure all diseases
I was very wrong earlier this year when I criticized Mario Lemieux for charging $999 an autograph to eager Penguins fans. At first I thought he was a world-class douche bag. Now I realize he needs the money to fund his Amazing House of Healing.
You see, Super Mario can do no wrong. He is a saint among men with amazing healing powers. He is solely responsible for the end of polio, measles, and AIDS. You haven’t heard about the last one because the government and pharmaceutical companies are keeping it under wraps. Healing the sick takes time. And money. If you can’t understand that $999 for an autograph helps fund his miracle work, you don’t deserve to be in Super Mario’s presence.
Reajean “Ray” Shero is the NHL’s all-time greatest GM
Quite simply, no other NHL General Managers can come close to the genius that is General Manager Ray Shero, or “GMRS” as Pens fans know him. The rest of us should address him as “Your Holiness Ray Shero”, or “I’m not worthy to be in your presence Ray Shero”.
This guy is such an amazing GM, he drafted Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Marc-Andre Fleury, and Jordan Staal in consecutive years. A stroke of absolute genius. He was so ahead of the curve, no other General Managers even considered drafting those guys. Quite simply, the rest of us aren’t worthy to breathe the same oxygen as His Holiness Ray Shero. Stop breathing now. It’s simply not right. His Holiness needs all the oxygen available to feed his massive brain.
Sidney “C"rosby is the greatest player and captain in NHL history”
I know this because Pierre McGuire told me so. While the rest of us don’t see him backchecking in the Olympics, what we are too naive to understand is that he backchecks so well he is instantly on the attack again. If you blink, you’ll miss it. And for criticizing him we are damn fools.
Throwing pacifiers on the ice at Sid is unfair. After all, living in Mario’s Amazing House of Healing has rubbed off on “C"rosby. Every time Sid whines and cries, an angel gets their wings. If you have a problem with that, then you have a problem with God and that won’t get you anywhere pleasant in the afterlife.
Sid has proven he has the talent and the character to be the preeminent player in the NHL today. Criticisms of him not shaking hands is unfair. In fact, just like in the Olympics, he makes sure his hand has enough snot on it before he shakes hands to ensure that he doesn’t give friction burns to the opposing teams. Quite simply, “C"rosby is a humanitarian who makes Gandhi look like the little slacker he was.
Penguin fans are the NHL’s most loyal
To the rest of us, the seats were empty in Pittsburgh for half a decade until “C"rosby was drafted. Penguins fans know better. They know that the threat of moving the team to Kansas City was enough to pull at Li’l Gary Bettman’s heartstrings. You may recall that the lottery which determined the draft order the year “C"rosby was drafted was done behind closed doors. No members of the media were allowed to witness the lottery.
This secrecy was not because Li’l Gary was rigging the draft so that Pittsburgh would get the first overall pick, but rather he didn’t want the world to see him cry like a baby if Pittsburgh DIDN’T get the first overall pick forcing them to move to Kansas City. To see an (almost) grown man break down in hysterical sobs would have taken away the little credibility Bettman still had, and the NHL couldn’t have that.
Once the fans realized that they had gotten “C"rosby, they resumed attending games knowing that the message had been sent. We have to admire a fanbase so dedicated to their team they force themselves to stay away from games for the good of the team. The rest of us hockey fans should bow at the feet of Pens fans. We are not worthy to call ourselves fans without an intentional and prolonged absence of half a decade to secure a top draft pick.
Pensblog is the greatest hockey blog in the world
While outsiders see a bunch of juvenile morons drooling all over their keyboards, this is not accurate. While some view the humour as base and the photoshops blatantly homo-erotic, this is not a fair assessment. Pen(i)sblog is at the cutting-edge of comedy. Like Bobcat Goldthwait, Yakov Smirnoff, and Gallagher, the jokes at Pen(i)sblog are so cutting-edge the rest of the world will have to wait many years to understand the punchlines.
Pretty soon, the word “WOOOO” will be featured in Presidential Addresses and academic papers. Clearing your mind of coherent thoughts before posting your opinion will be revered as the pinnacle of Zen-Blogging. Remember, today we see Pen(i)sblog as 99% Douche and 1% Stoosh. In 5 years we will be humbled at the avant-garde blog source that they are. They are paving the way for the future of Zen-Blogging. Empty your minds and you will understand where Pen(i)sblog is coming from. Bitches.
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About Abel to Yzerman
Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org