Kukla's Korner

Abel to Yzerman

Enjoy Your Stress-Free Sunday

Here. Start with this….

@TSNBobMcKenzie

NJD GM Lou Lamoriello was in TOR last night to meet with Zach Parise, who will decide within the hour if he is going to UFA at noon ET.

More in a minute, but nothing earth shattering.  So, don’t get all excited.

I’m only talking to people I trust today, people who won’t tell me bad things and lies just to watch me react in a way that makes them laugh, like I do at Blues fans when they’re sad. 

So, I’ll be checking here and most likely dying slowly with 19 of you. And I’ll be doing that (checking in and also dying slowly because I suck so very bad) from the golf course.

Key phrase today: Signing bonus.  Unlimited, obscene, absolutely impossible to turn down signing bonuses. Two of them.  In the gazillions.  Do it Mike. 

Key phrases that would me me frigging lose it, and I mean absolutely lose it today:

“We like our core and didn’t need to do as much as we first thought.”
—No you don’t and no you didn’t back in February, March, whenever, when you said you were going to be aggressive on 1 July.  Liar.

“Too rich. Too steep. Too much. Too high.”
—Too. Fuching. Bad.  If I hear those words, somebody needs to just go home.  Is Mike Ilitch going to say them?  No? Then spend, bitch. Spend it all.  Yeah, Kenny, that’s you and I’m sorry for calling you a bitch.

“Cory Emmerton”
—If Ken Holland uses those two words, like that, in that order, without the words “trade” or “traded” within four words of the “Cory Emmerton” combination, then I’m going to just vomit on the spot.  Don’t ever, and I mean EVER, try and convince me this kid is a reason we didn’t deal for Parise, Semin, Nash or Gerard Gallant.

“We’ll keep kicking tires”
—I hate that phrase anyway, “kicking tires.”  If we hear that today it means we’ve been shut out and bent over.  Don’t even talk to the media if you don’t come back with some real cheese Kenny. I don’t want the 30 slice packs. I want a block of really good cheddar. And if you can’t score it? Well, you just stay silent because I don’t want to hear the bullshit.

I want to hear two things today. One from Holland and one from Ilitch. Ready?

“This is the day we’ve been planning for since last July. For a year this is exactly how we envisioned it.  Zach and Ryan were the two guys we’ve been targeting, scouting, petting and giving secret money to via off shore accounts and go-betweens who may or may not be connected to Greek crime syndicates. We’re happy today.”

And…

“Cuppy. Cuppy. Cuppy.”

Oh, and anyone who doesn’t believe Brodeur’s in Chicago by 1700 raise your hand. No? Nobody? I didn’t think so.  He’s a Hawk already, I’m betting.

I’m off to the golf course. Please, baby Jesus. Please, please, please bring me what I want today.

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Comments

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RWBill's avatar

Happy Canada Day to all our friends down south in Windsor.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 12:39 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

But you still have rum and ice?  Where’s the problem.

OK, I need today to go well, and then I’ll take the rest of the summer off from hockey.  Or at least I’ll try and fail, but at least I would have tried.  Anyway… noon yet?

Posted by ITDeuce from The Land of Ice and Snow on 07/01/12 at 11:20 AM ET

Yeah I guess I’m not gonna make it to the grocery store, Bacardi and ice it is.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 12:40 PM ET

Gabriel's avatar

My wife looked at me this morning and said “It’s just a game, why are you so stressed out?” 

Someone’s having themselves an accident if they keep this up.

Posted by Gabriel from San Diego, CA on 07/01/12 at 12:42 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

Someone’s having themselves an accident if they keep this up.

Posted by Gabriel from San Diego, CA on 07/01/12 at 11:42 AM ET

roflmao

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 12:43 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

Do they make shirts that say I Love Girls Who Love Hockey?

Girls who love hockey always try to tape up the knob of my stick and I’m really particular about that sort of thing.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 07/01/12 at 12:46 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

Something funny as heck, Facebook all of a sudden listed a bunch of pictures of friends giving the option to select “super best friends” by clicking on a star in the lower left corner.

This pic looks like cuss words are coming out, or “stfu”,


Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 12:49 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

Girls who love hockey always try to tape up the knob of my stick and I’m really particular about that sort of thing.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 07/01/12 at 11:46 AM ET

Don’t they call that a rubber?  Or condom in today’s lingo.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 12:50 PM ET

Gabriel's avatar

That’s friggin classic, Bill.  It should probably be over her father’s mouth though…

Posted by Gabriel from San Diego, CA on 07/01/12 at 12:53 PM ET

Gabriel's avatar

Dude’s face behind her really sells it

Fixt.  And I only have two expressions: annoyed, and get the *#$%@& off my lawn.

Posted by Gabriel from San Diego, CA on 07/01/12 at 12:55 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

lmao.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 12:55 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

3 minutes, are the Red Wings reps going up the elevator at the Mississauga office right now for Parise’s agent?

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 12:57 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

I only had half a glass of grapefruit drink left for the second round, now I’m out completely, fueling on straight rum and ice.  At this rate I’ll forget all aboat the FA and start telling tales of nights behind the hibiscus bushes stalking Karen with the NVG.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 12:59 PM ET

TeamDub's avatar

On like Donkey Kong - DO IT KENNY

Posted by TeamDub from The gratch. on 07/01/12 at 01:01 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

I only have two expressions: annoyed, and get the *#$%@& off my lawn.

I’ve got both of those, but I also have a kind of goofy face that usually involves bacon or oral sex.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 07/01/12 at 01:01 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

nhl.com is live streaming tsn free agency broadcast.  good to follow in a separate window on the screen.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 01:02 PM ET

TeamDub's avatar

My F5 key is losing its spring.

Posted by TeamDub from The gratch. on 07/01/12 at 01:04 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

Free Agent tracker, probably not breaking news, but lists everything that has happened.

http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/feature/?id=25880

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 01:06 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

My F5 key is losing its spring.

Is that a euphemism?

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 07/01/12 at 01:06 PM ET

TeamDub's avatar

Is that a euphemism?

Perhaps.

My tilde is in even worse shape.

Posted by TeamDub from The gratch. on 07/01/12 at 01:08 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

TSN’s list of preferred FAs.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 01:12 PM ET

Avatar

who wants to go in on a pair of stickybuddy’s?

Posted by cementslinger from Midland MI on 07/01/12 at 01:18 PM ET

Avatar

aw crap. Meech is locked up in Winnipeg. Scratch off plan C.

Posted by cementslinger from Midland MI on 07/01/12 at 01:20 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

TSN, “Zach Parise came in about 10 a.m. and the Red Wings will be first up.”

ok,  sounds like this is going to be a good long while, if not days, to unfold.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 01:20 PM ET

Alzy's avatar

Of those top 7, we better land one F and one D. Oh and Kenny? Make it the top two if you don’t mind.

No standing pat today Tick Tock. Make. Something. HAPPEN.

LGRW

Posted by Alzy from Cambridge, Ontario, Canada on 07/01/12 at 01:21 PM ET

jennyquarx's avatar

Gabriel, I had a talk with your wife last night about how this is the most crucial day and that she needs to be extra nice to us today and all week even if she doesn’t understand this.

Posted by jennyquarx on 07/01/12 at 01:23 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

That’s not a bad salary for Meech, $700,000.  even after taxes that’s a good living.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 01:23 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

$700,000.  even after taxes that’s a good living.

Posted by RWBill from hiding indoors from Virginia heat. on 07/01/12 at 12:23 PM ET

I mean, I’m guessing, I wouldn’t know.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 01:26 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

$700,000.  even after taxes that’s a good living.

700k will buy a lot of stickybuddies.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 07/01/12 at 01:29 PM ET

Avatar

Glad we’re first up but damn.. damn.. this is gonna take forever.

Babcock to Parise: “You’re coming home with us. Get your fuching ass on the plane.”

Posted by godblender on 07/01/12 at 01:30 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

700k will buy a lot of stickybuddies.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 07/01/12 at 12:29 PM ET

I woke up with a couple of those once, but don’t actually remember what went on.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 01:31 PM ET

Gabriel's avatar

she needs to be extra nice to us today and all week even if she doesn’t understand this.

Well, she brought me coffee but I think it was so she could say “So….did they win?”

Posted by Gabriel from San Diego, CA on 07/01/12 at 01:32 PM ET

TeamDub's avatar

Need news NOW. The woman is pressing me to head to Menards to grab cement board for the great and terrible kitchen project. Tensions are running high. Maybe I can feed her some early cabernet and/or a closed head injury.

Posted by TeamDub from The gratch. on 07/01/12 at 01:32 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

I woke up with a couple of those once, but don’t actually remember what went on.

Posted by RWBill from hiding indoors from Virginia heat. on 07/01/12 at 12:31 PM ET

Alcohol consumption and sticky buddies—a notoriously volatile combination.

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 07/01/12 at 01:34 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

Sticky Buddies, A night for experimenting.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 01:36 PM ET

TeamDub's avatar

Gustavwhatever to Wings? Fine by me.

Posted by TeamDub from The gratch. on 07/01/12 at 01:36 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

I think you folks with external pressure are best served to head out now, as it’s going to take a long ass time.  Don’t play you’re aces now, there’s little return.  Heck i may even go out and buy some bacon while we’re waiting around.

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 01:38 PM ET

dougie's avatar

God, I feel like such a loser hanging on every word spoken on NHL Net.

At one time, I distinctly remember having a life.

Posted by dougie on 07/01/12 at 01:39 PM ET

ITDeuce's avatar

Wings sign Gustavsson (sp) to a 2 year deal.

Posted by ITDeuce from The Sunny High Desert on 07/01/12 at 01:39 PM ET

WestWing's avatar

Red Wings sign Jonas “the Monster” Gustavsson

Phew, we can call it a day now!

Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 07/01/12 at 01:39 PM ET

RWBill's avatar

Posted by RWBill from the Babcock school of cheese grabbing. on 07/01/12 at 01:40 PM ET

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About Abel to Yzerman

Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com