Abel to Yzerman
by VooX on 08/23/10 at 08:12 PM ET
Home Keys is on board. The Emperor told me. Two years at $787,500 each. The kid bought in. He and Helm will be the cornerstones of our Red Corvette energy line for years to come.
Pretend you are an NHL coach, like the Douche Canoe pretends to have been, and you are facing our Red Wings:
The Flying Circus (Zetterman—Dangle—Angry Chipmunk)
Happy—Chopper Willa—Charlie Buckets
The Red Corvettes (Home Keys—God—Eaves/Draper/??)
You know you can’t possibly stop the onslaught that will come for 60 minutes. A full game. All lines rolling. Without mercy.
The Flying Circus will dazzle you with acrobatics. The Red Corvettes out-gun you and beat you in the corners. The Hairdresser and Chopper Willa blind your skaters with their whitened teeth. Their line mates, men with addictions to hookers, baby’s blood, top corners, and 180-proof screech, will molest your goaltender unabated. Games against the Red Wings will come with viewer discretion warnings for graphic content, like Law & Order: SVU.
Welcome to your nightmare, NHL, the Red Wings are rested and ready to bring Stanley home.
While the Wings have enjoyed their extra long summer vacations, reports have been trickling in about how hard they are working in the offseason, and how hungry they are to return. The lack of hockey is making many players frenzied. Holmstrom was causing a ruckus at Zetterman’s beach wedding by using his giant ass to block the sunbather’s rays. He can’t help it.
Happy’s hookers report that he insists on them wearing helmets during play, and they have to wear mouthguards if they want to bite him. Dangle’s been working at hockey camps in Russia, and while Bertuzzi joined him at the end of July, I’m sure any reports of massive wildfires in the region are completely coincidental.
Would you want to face an entire team with this much built up energy and potential?
With the forward lines stacked deeper than any in the NHL today, it doesn’t really matter that we only have an okay 3rd defensive pairing. I’ll take our top-4 defencemen over any other team in the league as well.
This is a Wings team nobody can match up against. The Big Red Machine’s engine is already revving up for the marathon race to claim Cup #12 in a bunch of Tuesdays from now. If any other team dreams they can take Cup #12 from us this season, we will to turn their dreams into nightmares.
Is it fuching October yet?
Let’s Go Red Wings!!!!!
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About Abel to Yzerman
Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org