Abel to Yzerman
Abby Got Me Off, Man
by VooX on 08/23/10 at 08:12 PM ET
Comments (121)
Home Keys is on board. The Emperor told me. Two years at $787,500 each. The kid bought in. He and Helm will be the cornerstones of our Red Corvette energy line for years to come.
Pretend you are an NHL coach, like the Douche Canoe pretends to have been, and you are facing our Red Wings:
The Flying Circus (Zetterman—Dangle—Angry Chipmunk)
Todd-berculosis—Hairdresser—Mule
Happy—Chopper Willa—Charlie Buckets
The Red Corvettes (Home Keys—God—Eaves/Draper/??)
You know you can’t possibly stop the onslaught that will come for 60 minutes. A full game. All lines rolling. Without mercy.
The Flying Circus will dazzle you with acrobatics. The Red Corvettes out-gun you and beat you in the corners. The Hairdresser and Chopper Willa blind your skaters with their whitened teeth. Their line mates, men with addictions to hookers, baby’s blood, top corners, and 180-proof screech, will molest your goaltender unabated. Games against the Red Wings will come with viewer discretion warnings for graphic content, like Law & Order: SVU.
Welcome to your nightmare, NHL, the Red Wings are rested and ready to bring Stanley home.
While the Wings have enjoyed their extra long summer vacations, reports have been trickling in about how hard they are working in the offseason, and how hungry they are to return. The lack of hockey is making many players frenzied. Holmstrom was causing a ruckus at Zetterman’s beach wedding by using his giant ass to block the sunbather’s rays. He can’t help it.
Happy’s hookers report that he insists on them wearing helmets during play, and they have to wear mouthguards if they want to bite him. Dangle’s been working at hockey camps in Russia, and while Bertuzzi joined him at the end of July, I’m sure any reports of massive wildfires in the region are completely coincidental.
Would you want to face an entire team with this much built up energy and potential?
With the forward lines stacked deeper than any in the NHL today, it doesn’t really matter that we only have an okay 3rd defensive pairing. I’ll take our top-4 defencemen over any other team in the league as well.
This is a Wings team nobody can match up against. The Big Red Machine’s engine is already revving up for the marathon race to claim Cup #12 in a bunch of Tuesdays from now. If any other team dreams they can take Cup #12 from us this season, we will to turn their dreams into nightmares.
Is it fuching October yet?
Let’s Go Red Wings!!!!!
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Comments
Sniff. Sniff. I love the smell of general NHL fear in the morning.
We all knew it would get (Abdelkader signing) but it’s much better seeing that schitte in black and white. And I personally, don’t even have a problem with the #5,6 defensemen.
Phuggin A.
Let’s. Go. Red. Wings.
Posted by Brooklyn Deuce from Fauborg Marigny on 08/23/10 at 08:17 PM ET
AASDKLKDSALDKSGODGODGOD!!!
Can we live blog the next month? Wake Me Up When September Ends.
Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 08/23/10 at 08:18 PM ET
AbdulQadir on board,thats great,but the Red Corvettes sounds like some hookers having an RNB band in the sixties,we cant have two hooker lines,its just too many
Posted by edillac from isolation on 08/23/10 at 08:29 PM ET
v00x you’re exciting everyone in here into a pandemic of premature ejaculation.
Posted by RWBill from the open bar on The Hasek. on 08/23/10 at 08:47 PM ET
How will Miller fit into this lineup?
13th/14th forward, or waived if Ritola plays like he never did during training camp.
Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 08/23/10 at 08:59 PM ET
How will Miller fit into this lineup?
Posted by lilja4ever on 08/23/10 at 06:56 PM ET
I’m guessing as #13 or 14 on the depth chart, depending on who gets injured when he gets the call to go in. Right now I see Eaves starting the season with Draper and Miller in reserve and Ritola in Grand Rapids (or picked up off waivers)
Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 08/23/10 at 09:00 PM ET
EASPORTS NHL 11 is gonna be so sweet… All Detroit, All the time, Bitches…
Posted by pgoody on 08/23/10 at 09:40 PM ET
Ritola is out of Grand Rapids options without going through waivers he’d never clear. He’s in it to win it, or joining Leino if he can’t. I’d hate to lose Drew Miller though. That kid’s a keeper.
Posted by redxblack from Akron Ohio on 08/23/10 at 10:54 PM ET
I don’t think that ritola will have problems clearing waivers, especially early in the season. The UFA market is flooded right now and, despte how awesome we fings fans know ritola to be, he has no NHL experience. I dounbt that any teams are gonna take a chance on an untested guy like ritola with the other options that are available. Remember, as the season gets uderway, all those UFAs will realize the truth of the matter, and their asking/market value will plummet.
Posted by WingsFaninCO on 08/23/10 at 11:09 PM ET
My guess is Helm is the only guy on the fourth line with a shot to play all 82 games. As good as the fourth line is, it’s going to be great to have the option to slot Miller in to give the PK a instant boost, or bring in Draper for added experience.
Posted by Chris in A^2 from Nyquist Puck Control on 08/23/10 at 11:10 PM ET
@WinsFaninCo -
Ritola won’t clear waivers, he’s young and cheap - things that aren’t on the FA market.
I have no problem with Big bErd and Salei as the third D pair, hopefully a steady dance partner will allow Eriksson to find his game.
Posted by MisfitJake on 08/23/10 at 11:23 PM ET
My guess is Helm is the only guy on the fourth line with a shot to play all 82 games. As good as the fourth line is, it’s going to be great to have the option to slot Miller in to give the PK a instant boost, or bring in Draper for added experience.
Posted by ChrisinA^2 from the University of Michigan on 08/23/10 at 09:10 PM ET
+19. Helm’s speed is a big-time game breaker.
Posted by SYF from the Flood on 08/23/10 at 11:24 PM ET
Posted by MisfitJake
Nice avatar dude. Franzenstien….rawwrrr
This shite is getting me excited for the season. The NHL network replayed games 6 and 7 of the 2009 Anaheim series. Ohhh man, my balls expanded from excitement then shrank from the fear of a spacetime warp that would make us lose that series because Dan motherfuching Cleary wasn’t in front of the net to knock home the series winning goal while falling after being hit by fuching Sasquatch.
Good times.
Posted by Osrt on 08/23/10 at 11:38 PM ET
EASPORTS NHL 11 is gonna be so sweet… All Detroit, All the time, Bitches…
Posted by pgoody on 08/23/10 at 07:40 PM ET
I don’t know about you, but Detroit has run up roughly 1739 straight Cups on my consoles in the past 20 years already.
And they always will.
Posted by Primis on 08/23/10 at 11:40 PM ET
I’ll take our top-4 defencemen over any other team in the league as well.
I will too VooX…. if they’re healthy healthy.
That’s the catch, isn’t it? Healthy. If Nick and Raffy continue to get nicked up off and on, and Kronwall goes out and Georges Laraque or someone else does a repeat performance…. then I’m quite worried.
This is why I personally would have preferred to shed a little salary, gone younger on the bottom two lines, and gotten another good d-man. Yes, I want a guy on the third pairing that would easily be 2nd or 1st pairing on any other team. Stuff happens, as we saw last season.
Posted by Primis on 08/23/10 at 11:45 PM ET
If Nick and Raffy continue to get nicked up off and on, and Kronwall goes out and Georges Laraque or someone else does a repeat performance…. then I’m quite worried.
Kronny already said his knees are not 100% and might need surgery.
Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 08/24/10 at 10:06 AM ET
Wake Me Up When September Ends.
Summer has come and past
The innocence can never last
Nice post Voox, you “Chief wanna be” hack.
Posted by ITDeuce from The Land of Ice and Snow on 08/24/10 at 10:36 AM ET
Oh yeah, I also wanted to mention that there is no way Ritola clears waivers. I have read so many people saying that since he has no NHL experience that he will clear waivers. I really can’t see it. There is a lot of potential there, why wouldn’t you pick him up for half price. There’s a GM in Florida that is pretty familiar with the guy.
Like Franzenstein said, he’s young and cheap. There are a lot of million dollar plus FA’s right now. But their all in the latter stages of their careers. I could be wrong. It has happened before… once. But if he hits the waiver wire, he’s gone.
Posted by ITDeuce from The Land of Ice and Snow on 08/24/10 at 10:43 AM ET
Is that Franzenstein? Thought that was Franzen and Datsyuks love child.
Posted by Ozzie30 on 08/24/10 at 10:52 AM ET
The Flying Circus (Zetterman—Dangle—Angry Chipmunk)
Todd-berculosis—Hairdresser—Mule
Happy—Chopper Willa—Charlie Buckets
The Red Corvettes (Home Keys—God—Eaves/Draper/??)
I love the fact that anyone reading this blog has little to know idea what our lines are.
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 08/24/10 at 11:44 AM ET
um, that would be “no idea.”
our typing is a mess today.
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 08/24/10 at 11:48 AM ET
Welcome to your nightmare, NHL, the Red Wings are rested and ready to bring Stanley home.
Fuch. Yes. Is it October yet?
Posted by D4LRob on 08/24/10 at 01:19 PM ET
I’m super happy about the excess forwards. Someone gets hurt - shuflle the lines a bit and carry on. Otherwise, Babs can play Baseball GM and rotate players in and out to keep them fresh.
Fuching right, doggy. I smell #12.
...is it October yet?
Posted by CaptNorris5 from The Winged Wheel, stuck in Chicago on 08/24/10 at 01:56 PM ET
You know you can’t possibly stop the onslaught that will come for 60 minutes. A full game. All lines rolling. Without mercy.
Zerg rush, non stop for 60 min. Oh shi-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCXyMtvNoqQ&feature=related
Posted by Behind_Enemy_Lines from the Big House,January1,2013. on 08/24/10 at 02:12 PM ET
I love the fact that anyone reading this blog has little to know idea what our lines are.
I’ve been here for years and still had no clue about “Hairdresser”. The funny thing is that when the realization hit me? I said out loud “Oh, he means Wally…”
It appears even our nicknames have nicknames.
Posted by Gabriel from San Diego, CA on 08/24/10 at 02:22 PM ET
Zerg rush, non stop for 60 min. Oh shi-
Posted by Behind_Enemy_Lines from the poopship. on 08/24/10 at 12:12 PM ET
That’s great so long as the other team’s carriers don’t arrive….
Posted by Primis on 08/24/10 at 02:47 PM ET
I love the fact that anyone reading this blog has little to know idea what our lines are.
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 08/24/10 at 09:44 AM ET
We are so meta, bitch.
Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 08/24/10 at 02:51 PM ET
It appears even our nicknames have nicknames.
It’s a troll abatement program. (TAP) Confuses their little brains.
Posted by Rumbear from Top O the Hasek, SCP Round #2....whore style on 08/24/10 at 03:25 PM ET
It appears even our nicknames have nicknames.
Like when Homer became the Angry Chipmunk. So simple, yet so perfect. Elegant really. I mean just look at that face.
Kronny already said his knees are not 100% and might need surgery.
Okay. I’m going to put my hands over my ears now, shut my eyes really tight, and start saying “nananananana” really loud until October.
Posted by WestWing from Portland, Oregon on 08/24/10 at 03:44 PM ET
jeepers(!)
I take a weekend off to get some R&R up north with my folks (my home town, Fairview, if anyone knows the lay of the land ... ) and next thing I know: 00) the emperor enlists The Ace for regular posts here (sorry Mlive, he’s ours now); a) plus he sends the barkeep to view & report on ‘the jig’ (good work, my man); 2) VooX pulls a DG satire that most swallow hook, line and sinker (me, too); III) the ‘lil weasel actually offers a few sound bites for us to giggle at ( ’ ... did you ever buy your own NHL tix prior to being commish?’ bwahahahaha ... arss); x^2) we get the skinny from the inside via Nill byway of our barkeep (awesome stuff); E) someone tried to divide by zero; and Nth) HomeKeys inks for 2 years at a ‘family’ cap hit.
phew(!)
I think I just wet myself a bit from all this excitement.
Bringing it home for the twelveth time—- this season is looking FANtastic, H2H2 and all.
Is it October yet?
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 08/24/10 at 04:02 PM ET
We are so meta, bitch.
Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 08/24/10 at 12:51 PM ET
Posilutely and absotively Zen, VooX.
Posted by SYF from the Flood on 08/24/10 at 04:21 PM ET
Kronwall on his knee issues:
I don’t know, the knee is not hundred percent well yet. I can skate and do such stuff then there are some things that are more problematic than others. My knee (singular) feels a lot better than it did this spring but it is not as good as I want it to be.
...
I don’t have the power/strength in it during certain moves (on the ice) where it just folds. (= not pain, he says he can’t use it as normal it just gives away). We’ll see how it it goes. There’s a risk that I could go over [to Detroit] a bit earlier than usual. It’s for the best to go through the situation with the doctors and the organization over there.
...
Who decides if there’s an operation?
It’s a joint decision.
LOL
I wonder if that was an intentional pun.
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 08/24/10 at 04:37 PM ET
It appears even our nicknames have nicknames.
Abdelkader? Home Keys, Abbadabadoo, Yabadabadoo, Yabadelvader, Yaba…
Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 08/24/10 at 07:39 PM ET
That’s great so long as the other team’s carriers don’t arrive….
Posted by Primis on 08/24/10 at 12:47 PM ET
We will harass to much for them to gather the resources for all that ;P
Posted by Behind_Enemy_Lines from the Big House,January1,2013. on 08/24/10 at 07:45 PM ET
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 08/24/10 at 02:37 PM ET
Another clip of the interview…
When Niklas Kronwall is asked to describe last season, he says without hesitation:
- A really shitty one.
Posted by mrfluffy from Long Beach on 08/24/10 at 09:58 PM ET
I chuckled and peed a little when I read our line combinations. Then I went to the bathroom and didn’t return for 5 whole minutes.
Posted by Sullyosis from A hateful lair in Post Apocalyptic US (or Arizona) on 08/24/10 at 10:50 PM ET
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About Abel to Yzerman
Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: wphoulihan@gmail.com
The fourth line is gonna be a whole lotta fun this year. TC in TC can’t get here fast enough.
Posted by SYF from the Flood on 08/23/10 at 08:17 PM ET