Abel to Yzerman
by IwoCPO on 01/19/13 at 11:51 AM ET
I've decided to refer to our new defenseman (Tick Tock's big offseason move) as Fredo. I haven't tried to spell his last name once and never will. You won't see a single attempt here. But I know that it harkens thoughts of The Godfather and when I think of the Godfather I think of Sonny beating the piss out of Carlo, Michael trying his best to stay pure like Pony Boy and sad sack Fredo just trying to stay one step ahead of the reaper. Consistently sickly, often a victim and the Corleone who just couldn't quite cut it.
According to every smart kid everwhere that describes our entire corps of defensemen, so Fredo shouldn't be isolated.
But he's new, so he is.
I don't have a nickname for Tootoo yet but I just have this itchy feeling that I'm going to dig him. We've always liked his kind around here and he'll be no different. Whatever moniker we come up with, it should probably be borderline racially insensitive. Something Native American, a testament to his roots and his culture. I'm Irish and I enjoy the "hooligan" references, always have. They don't offend me. I say that because I think, as a sign of respect for his heritage, we should refer to Tootoo as "Stirs Shit With Big Wooden Spoon". Something like that. We'll see.
Our backup goalie is new and he's a castoff. A big bastard, Swedish and verbose most likely. He allegedly knew Nick Lidstrom and likes him as a man, finds him attractive but not in the way you're thinking, just attractive because they're fellow Swedes and they understand one another. If he plays more than ten regular season games we are destined for horrible sadness. If he plays more than ten it's because James Tiberius Howard is either hurt or, worse, isn't playing well at all. I fear a goalie problem this "season" like a Sailor fears two years in the Philippines with a Penicillin allergy.
I believe this team is going to be prolific. They'll lead the league in scoring, both even strength...and on the power play. Oh my sweet baby Jesus. You drooling, babbling bundle of hope and leadership. You brought us one of your disciples and he, Tom Renney, will be our new god. We will love him and bathe him in oils and praise. Offensively, this team is going to be nearly unstoppable when Uncle Mike lets the kids play, when the health issues go away (that's stupid...they never have. Ever. We've been dealing with injuries for five years).
Brunner will score and score as long as he's paired with Z and Datsyuk. Watch this: Franzen will be on fire from the jump and won't slow down until July.
Nik Kronwall will flourish and Brendan Smith will...at times. Offensively.
But that defense is going to be the death of us and we all know it. We must all understand this now: goals will be scored. Ungodly numbers of them. They will be ugly and they will be untimely. We will suffer through them and the defense will improve, slowly. They're very young, you know. Big E...I can't even think about it. I've been avoiding the image of him on our top pairing. Seriously. That's disgusting. Fredo and White and E and Nik. Rookies and "offensive defensemen". We will suffer. But we will not suffer like our peers have before us.
We will not suffer like Blues fans who lived for decades in a urine-filled pool of uncertainty, not knowing from week to week whether their "team" had a playoff spot. That's horrific. And, you know what? They're still living it.
We never will. Ever. This team will force us to swallow bile, probably starting in about 11 hours or something. But heritage is heritage. Law is law. It's just science and it's the Red Wings. Tick Tock may not have done a damn thing to make the Wings "favorites" but he is who he is and that's good. The playoffs will come and the 6 day offseason that Gary guarantees will bring with it some necessary strengthening of our back end (shhhh...don't).
Oh, and Zach Parise will not see the playoffs this year. Ryan Suter won't either because Zach won't give him permission to watch.
The Wings won't win the Central but they'll be ready when the playoffs start next week.
And we'll be live blogging it every step of the way. Bullet Bob will kick things off at 1800 EST.
God help us all and all aboard. Bitches.
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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org